i have been learning more through reading about the dynamics involved in abusive relationships. this link will take you to a page that i have found helpful... it involves a brief and simple list of some characteristics of abusive relationships. i see many of these characteristics as present in my relationship with my former partner; the one thing that stood out to me today was sexual coercion. i think that stood out to me because i have not seen that previously listed in other places that describe characteristics of abuse, and because it resonates with me and my experiences of abuse.
i describe the relationship i had with my former partner as involving sexual abuse, and i greatly appreciate the addition of the phrase sexual coercion into my vocabulary, as it speaks to my experience. my former partner and i had quite differing sexual wants and needs at varying points in our relationship, and he became very coercive in attempting to engage in sexual behavior with me, most especially during the last year of our relationship. what made this more difficult was the fact that many times he was adamant in vocalizing to me that he did not pressure me to have sex with him and that he was fine if we were not to have sex. at the same time, his behavior told a different story: at different points, he would cry if i did not want to have sex with him, which often put me in a position of needing to comfort and reassure him; he would complain if we were engaged in sexual activity that did not lead to intercourse, and would often become either sad or angry if it did not lead to sex; he would withhold or deny intimacy if there was to be no sexuality involved in it; he would threaten not to sleep beside me if he was unable to share sexual 'energy' with me, and infer that i did not want to sleep beside him or cuddle with him (when in actuality i wanted these things - what i didn't want was sex); he would touch me sexually despite my boundaries; he would reference how many days it had been since we last had sex; he would talk to me about sex and his masturbation and the pornography he watched constantly, despite my requests that he not do so.
throughout our polyamorous relationship, he had sexual relationships with many other womon - which was part of our agreement and was fine with me, as i also had other sexual relationships. what was not fine with me was that he had sex with teenage girls multiple times. he is now 29 years old and still having sex with teenage girls. earlier in our relationship, he let me know that if it was a boundary of mine that he not have sex with teenage girls he was willing to stop for me - i made it clear that i did not want him to stop this behavior for me, that it was an issue of values that were clearly different for each of us.
during one of the stages in our relationship in which my former partner was attempting to be accountable, he sent a mass email out to many womon he had been involved with sexually, asking them for feedback as to his treatment of them and if they needed to be heard on anything. i commended this effort of his and was glad he had taken such a step to open dialogue with former lovers and sexual partners in his life. however, i now doubt his sincerity in doing this, as shortly after he sent this email he laughingly told me he wanted to share a 'hilarious' response he had gotten from one of the womon. she essentially wrote to him that she felt he had a problem with sex, that he was most likely a sex addict, and that he ought to cease having sex with womon until he had addressed and figured out this problem. he read this part to me laughing, poking fun at the ways in which she had phrased things and dismissing her primary point due to her vocabulary and sentence structure (she was not using i-statements and spoke in an accusatory tone - these were things that he pointed out). when i asked him if he thought she had a point, he did somber up and say she might. however i felt intensely uncomfortable witnessing his laughter - he had asked for honest responses from these womon, and he had gotten one, which he laughed off.
i also had to listen to my former partner make rude and insulting comments on his other lovers' bodies. an example of this: one day in the kitchen with one of our male roommates who was topless, my former partner made a joke that one of his current lovers was as flat-chested as our male roommate. the men both laughed at this. i said "i don't think she'd appreciate hearing that," to which my former partner replied "you're right, she wouldn't" while laughing. he often compared my breast size to the breast sizes of his other lovers, and made other comparisons on their bodies and the sex he had with them.
all of these behaviors are inappropriate and, in my opinion, unacceptable. my former partner never raped me or sexually assaulted me - however he was sexually abusive, and sexual abuse can exist outside of the forms of rape and assault. i cannot emphasis that enough. because my former partner never raped or assaulted me, i downplayed, denied, or dismissed the sexual abuse i experienced. when i heard from other womon that they felt uncomfortable around him, i told my self it was because they were uncomfortable with polyamory. when my former partner told me he had previously been accused of rape, i believed him when he said it was a 'misunderstanding'. when he ended our partnership because i was unable to meet his sexual needs, i convinced my self that someday we could be partners again and that things would work out. i ignored my gut instinct that things were not okay, that the behavior my partner was exhibiting was completely inappropriate and sexually abusive. i am not denying it anymore. i am also not keeping it to my self anymore, out of a sense of any sense of shame or guilt that i 'deserved' it, or any misplaced sense of wanting to protect my former partner from public opinion. i am speaking my truth, i am sharing my story. i have every right to. i also have every right to live a life free of sexual coercion, abuse, and harassment. so do you.
visit this link for more information on and definitions of sexual abuse and harassment.
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