emergence

this is meant to be a practice of the personal being political. this is meant to be a public healing space. this is a recognition that womonfolk everywhere are processing similar experiences under the confines of patriarchy, and it is of the utmost importance that we have some way to process our experiences. it is of the utmost importance that i process my experiences. i am a survivor of patriarchy and its insidious components: rape, assault, abuse. it is difficult to process and heal through one trauma when more keep happening, keep occurring. this is the plight of living as womonfolk in a patriarchal civilization. as we heal, we are still being harmed. i refuse to let this reality break me any more than it already has. i refuse to continue to question my own experiences and my own responses and my own sanity within a civilization that is itself, according to all given definitions, technically insane. i am moving into my own existence on my own terms and yes, there are going to be some changes around here. it has to start somewhere.

tracing trauma back to its roots is nearly impossible for me. i argue being born into this civilization is in itself a traumatic event. i can't seem to separate one trauma from another, despite gentle insistence from well-meaning healers that it is important i do so, in order to heal through each on my own terms. they compound one another, represent one another, are all symptoms of the same problem: patriarchy. my experiences as a survivor of abuse and of assault are in no way unrelated to my experiences as a survivor of institutionalization. i do not exist inside a vacuum.

my latest experience with abuse is intrinsically linked with my first experience of abuse and every subsequent experience and future experience. incidents are not isolated but systemic. when i was younger i hoped that by somehow recognizing this i would be free of any further participation or perpetuation of the cycle - looking back i realize i was at the time naively hopeful, believing that somehow knowledge of the nature and cause of abuse would make me immune to it.

i am still baffled by my own vulnerabilities. i am a long time anarchafeminist and have a scathing analysis of the condition of womonfolks under patriarchy. i am queer identified and discard any notions of heteronormative behavior being in any way ideal. i can spy patriarchal influence in the words i speak, the thoughts i think, the relationships i form. i wrap my self in analysis believing i can catch any abuse before it can catch me. i am not immune, and no womonfolk are... despite pervasive beliefs in radical communities that, as anarchafeminist womonfolk, we must somehow have the depth of perception to never become ensnared in any sort of vicious abusive cycle. naturally the men we involve our selves with have so thoroughly deconstructed the patriarchal influence over their psyches and actions that we have virtually no risk of mistreatment from them. this is the mindset of too many people in radical communities. there is this ludicrous belief that, simply because we have a stern critique of this patriarchal civilization and find ourselves able to call it what it is and recognize what's what, we're supposed to be impervious to any and all of its teachings and trappings. i should have known better, we lament. as feminists with a criticism of this rape culture and a firm idea of what it is and how it is perpetuated, we blame ourselves for somehow not being alert enough, not being aware enough to spot and address abuse when it happens in our own lives. we believe we can protect ourselves. we blame ourselves when we cannot.

i need to unravel my thoughts and feelings around my last relationship, the abuse i experienced in it, and how long it took me to recognize and label such an experience as "abuse". i need to release stories and emotions that exist in my self around my past experiences of victimization at the hands of patriarchy - my experiences of being incarcerated multiple times in a mental institution, surviving abusive relationships, and surviving a violent assault. i witness the womonfolk in my life process childhood abuse, rape, relationship abuse, incest, assaults, incarcerations, batterings, assaults, suicide, murder, and other horrific mistreatment at the hands of patriarchy. i want to make my healing process available to them and all other womonfolk so that we may learn and heal together. i want to make clear that the personal is political, that the political is personal, and that we are intricate creatures worthy of health and well-being.