sharing vulnerability

i am feeling vulnerable. i have been for a long time - the sense of it is just more acute these last few weeks. i have not always felt comfortable sharing or exposing this vulnerability. i have felt the need to build up a suit of armor from the inside on out in order to feel even remotely safe. letting this armor down is scary to me... i have been wanting, needing, to be strong for my self through this last month and the various occurrences and interactions and revelations that have been a part of it. i want to be strong enough to know when it is safe and healthy for me to be vulnerable, to cry and mourn and feel my pain without risk of becoming wrapped up in it to a point where i am becoming submissive again. this is my fear. i recognize that in the past my sharing of vulnerability has been taken advantage of. the times when i am vulnerable are the times when i can best be used as a doormat. i am less likely to resist or protest mistreatment, and less likely to defend or stand up for my self. for this reason i have been wearing my armor in any and all interactions with my former partner, be it through email or seeing him in the hallway as he packs and moves his belongings. i have to wear this armor to remind my self that i am strong and not deserving of abuse. i have to wear this armor to remind my abuser, also, that i will not tolerate any further mistreatment from him. i am afraid that if i let my guard down for a moment, just one, he will get the upper hand once again. he will see my vulnerability and take advantage of it, as has happened in the past.

i don't want to live in this armor. i want to feel safe enough, to know that i am safe enough, to delve into my deeper emotions of sadness, loss, and grief. i want to honor my fury, my anger and indignation as a healthy and intrinsic part of my healing. it is not the only part though. it is the safest part for me, because when i am in tune with that sense of injustice welling up inside, i feel my strength, i feel my power in saying no more. it is when i am soft and sad, lamenting the loss of a partner, that i feel fear in my heart that somehow this tenderness of mine will be taken advantage of... even in the moments when i am alone, in my bed, crying. i want to stop because i am afraid that if i follow the sadness to a place of submission i will begin the cycle of abuse all over again, justifying his behavior and believing that it will change. i am afraid of sharing how much i miss my former partner because i do not want my statement of 'i miss him' to be interpreted as 'i forgive him and want him back in my life'. i do not. i want to miss him sincerely, profoundly, the way i have been - i want to mourn and feel the loss of our good times. i want to reminisce and grieve. i want to do all of these things while simultaneously honoring that doing this, mourning and lamenting and missing him, does not in any way signify that i accept his treatment of me.

learning about the cycle of abuse has helped me put into perspective all of the times my partner was wonderful to me, almost too good to be true. this is what abuse is - the good times hook a person, keep her ensnared and believing that the ways in which she is being mistreated are somehow balanced out by the times in which she is treated wonderfully. this was the situation with my former partner. when he was angry, dismissive, or downright cruel towards me, i would justify this behavior within my self. i would think of the times in which he was tender, generous, and kind to me, and stay focused on these times to the detriment of my own health. when people in my life commented on disliking some of his behavior and how he treated me, i would counter with stories of times in which he took care of me and offered me support and love. i would find ways to justify his abuse.

there are beautiful times we had together that i am mourning. my days are full of moments that involve remembering these times and missing him profoundly. my days are also full of moments when i remember and relive experiences of abuse and i become angry at him, grateful he is exiting my life. other moments i want to reach out, tell him i miss him. this is a feeling i have that i will not act on because in the past, when i have reached out to him in times of such vulnerability and shared this, i have felt attacked, belittled, and taken advantage of for sharing vulnerability with him. still, i miss him. there were good times as well as abuse. it is profoundly confusing to go throughout my day, feeling these extremes... moments where all i want to do is connect with him and make sure that he is okay; and moments where i literally never want to see him again, ever. it is exhausting and confusing. what helps me now is knowing i am not alone in this process - this is what so very many abused womonfolk go through, and why so many wind up going back to their abusers. it is so hard to break free of the cycle.

getting past justifying abuse has been a helpful resource for me. i am learning that i can honor everything that is going on inside of my self right now - that i can say no to abuse and mistreatment and also love my former partner, from a distance as is needed. i am deeply hurt and enraged by the abuse and mistreatment that occurred. i also miss my former partner deeply. missing him does not make me weak, stupid, or naive. it makes me a complex being, a survivor, a womon in the process of healing. i am strong and part of my strength involves acknowledging all of my emotions, no matter how complicated or scary they may seem or feel to my self or others.