"One of the best ways to tell if you are being abused is to trust your gut feeling. This is a difficult task, if your abuser has managed to make you doubt your own sanity, but it is vital to your survival and healing."
the above quote is from this page which offers signs of an abused woman. i found the information offered very valuable, especially the section on 'psychological and emotional battering through verbal abuse'.
i want to share that i am a dangerously gifted person. i have been diagnosed with mental illness. i move between the worlds and am, the majority of the time, what our society deems "high functioning". i also have moments of breakdown/breakthrough, which i try to honor and manage in the healthiest ways that i can. i am beginning to realize that the reason i took so long to clearly and definitively recognize the abuse i have been experiencing was based on mistrusting my self and my perceptions. the social stigma surrounding dangerous gifts, and the overwhelmingly sexist and patriarchal thoughts and theories of psychiatry, have kept me doubting and second guessing my abuse and my own abilities to clearly perceive reality.
to compound matters, this is an opinion my former partner actively encouraged me to hold. there were many times that i felt within my self that something he did or said was thoroughly inappropriate or abusive, and i would spend days turning it over in my mind, trying to figure out whether my perception was correct or not. i would go to him with this situation, and express my feelings of being mistreated and attempt to explain to him that i felt his treatment of me or words were not appropriate... he would consistently remind me that i was a dangerously gifted person and infer that my perception was, because of this, flawed. if i responded in justified anger or sadness to his abusive behavior, he would label this behavior as an 'episode' or 'anxiety attack' and immediately discount my response as unreasonable or irrational. most often these conversations would end with me apologizing and saying sorry. i now recognize that what he was doing is called discounting.
Discounting: Does the abuser ignore or disparage your feelings? Do they put down your feelings? Do they dismiss you with statements such as, "you're too sensitive" or "you don't have a sense of humour" or "you're just taking it wrong"?
discounting was (and still is) an extreme problem in my relationship with my former partner. often my feelings were discounted as being caused by my dangerous gifts, as opposed to being direct and reasonable responses to his treatment of me. he actively encouraged me to believe that i was being 'too sensitive', was taking his actions or words the 'wrong way', and that this was due to my being both dangerously gifted and a survivor (of previous abuse and assault).
Countering: Does the abuser tell you you're wrong if you don't agree with them? Do they argue against your every thought? Do they tell you your feelings are wrong? Do they tell you that you don't know what you're talking about? Do they forbid you from having your own opinions?
countering is another serious issue that has been present in our relationship, even in the early 'honeymoon' stage. within the first few months of our involvement, i noticed a great deal of arguments and disagreements were occurring, more than i felt were healthy or natural in a relationship. these would often begin with my sharing an opinion or feeling i had to which my former partner would respond aggressively to. he would disagree or argue against my statement, often interrupting me and accompanying that with macho posturing and aggressive tone and gestures. if i attempted to defend my position or stand up for my self, the situation would usually escalate to a point where we were both quite angry, and the conversation would be ended only when one of us left the room. eventually i became exhausted with this routine and just started remaining silent. the several times i attempted to dialogue with my former partner about the arguing, and tried to share that i felt it was excessive and unhealthy, he would behave in such a manner that inferred he had no idea what i was talking about. he told me he didn't think we argued excessively or that it was unhealthy, and that i had unreasonable standards for a healthy relationship. i recall telling him that arguing several times a week was not something i was comfortable with; he responded by claiming we did not argue this often at all and that i was exaggerating or overreacting. my roommates witnessed this behavior many times over and expressed concern to me on numerous occasions, and were often subject to my sobbing after an argument or disagreement had occurred. i'm recognizing that these conversations were never in fact 'arguments' or 'disagreements': they were incidents of me attempting to share my opinions, feelings, or experiences with my former partner, and his responding by aggressively countering my statements. if i fought against his countering, it escalated to an argument. if i did not, i simply listened and accepted his countering and kept my mouth shut. one of the things i find most disturbing is the fact that, at one point, i asked my former partner if it was normal in his relationships to argue as frequently as we were... he expressed that yes it was and that in his previous relationships arguing had happened just as frequently, if not more often.
the more i read and write, the more i feel my blood run hot and my heart race with the sensations of injustice. i desperately want to keep writing and writing, to get all of this out of me, to have it physically represented on a page, to cleanse me of the poison it has become... these feelings and experiences sitting stagnant in my body, rotting. it feels so good to release them and give them air. however, i want to be careful of my motivations and of my focus. i do not want to feel the need to 'prove' to my self or others that i have been abused; i do not want my motivation for writing in this blog to be the offering of evidence. i also want to focus on my goal, which is to heal... i do not want to become consumed with writing to the point that i am neglecting my self-care. for that reason, i'm moderating my daily writing. i have limited my self to one blog entry a day, the length of which i try to be conscious of. i do not want to overwhelm my self. this journey is about balance and renewal. it is about finding my inner strength and helping it flourish.
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