Monday, January 31, 2011

sexual abuse and coercion

i have been learning more through reading about the dynamics involved in abusive relationships. this link will take you to a page that i have found helpful... it involves a brief and simple list of some characteristics of abusive relationships. i see many of these characteristics as present in my relationship with my former partner; the one thing that stood out to me today was sexual coercion. i think that stood out to me because i have not seen that previously listed in other places that describe characteristics of abuse, and because it resonates with me and my experiences of abuse.

i describe the relationship i had with my former partner as involving sexual abuse, and i greatly appreciate the addition of the phrase sexual coercion into my vocabulary, as it speaks to my experience. my former partner and i had quite differing sexual wants and needs at varying points in our relationship, and he became very coercive in attempting to engage in sexual behavior with me, most especially during the last year of our relationship. what made this more difficult was the fact that many times he was adamant in vocalizing to me that he did not pressure me to have sex with him and that he was fine if we were not to have sex. at the same time, his behavior told a different story: at different points, he would cry if i did not want to have sex with him, which often put me in a position of needing to comfort and reassure him; he would complain if we were engaged in sexual activity that did not lead to intercourse, and would often become either sad or angry if it did not lead to sex; he would withhold or deny intimacy if there was to be no sexuality involved in it; he would threaten not to sleep beside me if he was unable to share sexual 'energy' with me, and infer that i did not want to sleep beside him or cuddle with him (when in actuality i wanted these things - what i didn't want was sex); he would touch me sexually despite my boundaries; he would reference how many days it had been since we last had sex; he would talk to me about sex and his masturbation and the pornography he watched constantly, despite my requests that he not do so.

throughout our polyamorous relationship, he had sexual relationships with many other womon - which was part of our agreement and was fine with me, as i also had other sexual relationships. what was not fine with me was that he had sex with teenage girls multiple times. he is now 29 years old and still having sex with teenage girls. earlier in our relationship, he let me know that if it was a boundary of mine that he not have sex with teenage girls he was willing to stop for me - i made it clear that i did not want him to stop this behavior for me, that it was an issue of values that were clearly different for each of us.

during one of the stages in our relationship in which my former partner was attempting to be accountable, he sent a mass email out to many womon he had been involved with sexually, asking them for feedback as to his treatment of them and if they needed to be heard on anything. i commended this effort of his and was glad he had taken such a step to open dialogue with former lovers and sexual partners in his life. however, i now doubt his sincerity in doing this, as shortly after he sent this email he laughingly told me he wanted to share a 'hilarious' response he had gotten from one of the womon. she essentially wrote to him that she felt he had a problem with sex, that he was most likely a sex addict, and that he ought to cease having sex with womon until he had addressed and figured out this problem. he read this part to me laughing, poking fun at the ways in which she had phrased things and dismissing her primary point due to her vocabulary and sentence structure (she was not using i-statements and spoke in an accusatory tone - these were things that he pointed out). when i asked him if he thought she had a point, he did somber up and say she might. however i felt intensely uncomfortable witnessing his laughter - he had asked for honest responses from these womon, and he had gotten one, which he laughed off.

i also had to listen to my former partner make rude and insulting comments on his other lovers' bodies. an example of this: one day in the kitchen with one of our male roommates who was topless, my former partner made a joke that one of his current lovers was as flat-chested as our male roommate. the men both laughed at this. i said "i don't think she'd appreciate hearing that," to which my former partner replied "you're right, she wouldn't" while laughing. he often compared my breast size to the breast sizes of his other lovers, and made other comparisons on their bodies and the sex he had with them.

all of these behaviors are inappropriate and, in my opinion, unacceptable. my former partner never raped me or sexually assaulted me - however he was sexually abusive, and sexual abuse can exist outside of the forms of rape and assault. i cannot emphasis that enough. because my former partner never raped or assaulted me, i downplayed, denied, or dismissed the sexual abuse i experienced. when i heard from other womon that they felt uncomfortable around him, i told my self it was because they were uncomfortable with polyamory. when my former partner told me he had previously been accused of rape, i believed him when he said it was a 'misunderstanding'. when he ended our partnership because i was unable to meet his sexual needs, i convinced my self that someday we could be partners again and that things would work out. i ignored my gut instinct that things were not okay, that the behavior my partner was exhibiting was completely inappropriate and sexually abusive. i am not denying it anymore. i am also not keeping it to my self anymore, out of a sense of any sense of shame or guilt that i 'deserved' it, or any misplaced sense of wanting to protect my former partner from public opinion. i am speaking my truth, i am sharing my story. i have every right to. i also have every right to live a life free of sexual coercion, abuse, and harassment. so do you.

visit this link for more information on and definitions of sexual abuse and harassment.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

loving your abuser

i am feeling exhausted today, awash of too many conflicting emotions. i miss my former partner. i feel deeply betrayed, confused, hurt, disoriented. i feel sadness, grief, empathy, concern, discouragement, pity. i feel infuriated, disgusted, terrified. i feel incapable of untangling these emotions, one from the other. i feel heavy with the weight of realization. i feel intimidated by the long hard road of healing that is ahead of me.

instead of writing a long entry today, i'm just going to share a link to a great article about the psychology behind loving your abuser which i resonate with deeply, and recommend highly. i love my abuser deeply and currently feel lost for having loved him. i had hoped, daydreamed, prayed that he would be able to humble himself to a point of recognizing his behavior as abusive and getting help for himself. i do not see this happening. as i mentioned in my last entry, i feel incapable of having any contact with him as it simply hurts me too much. in our last dialogue his defensive behavior was a shield behind which he attempted to let me know i was claiming that he was abusive; that i was feeling abused; that since he never, for example, pulled my hair, he questioned that his behavior was in fact abusive. i was dumbfounded by this, as at other times he has said sorry and acknowledged being emotionally abusive towards me. he argued that he is attempting to be accountable, and i am baffled by what his definition of accountability is. once again, i am dealing with dr. jekyll and mr hyde - one day he is empathetic, apologetic, compassionate. the next he is aggressive, defensive, and dismissive. i cannot put myself through that anymore. i cannot listen to it anymore. i refuse to continue engaging in the cycle and allowing it to continue. yet here i am, loving him and missing him. the article i mentioned above has helped me recognize the psychology of this and offered me some peace.

i do not doubt that i am going to be loving my former partner and missing him for a long time. however, that does not mean i need to remain ensnared in the abuse. i am strong enough to walk away from that, and recognize that i (and womonfolk everywhere) deserve better treatment than that.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

breaking the silence

today i have made the difficult decision that i can no longer hold hope to be at all involved with my former partner's life. we have maintained simple and sporadic contact over the last two weeks. today i have decided this can no longer continue, after a painful and inappropriate exchange with him. i have been holding hope in my heart that he is genuine in his desire to change... and i now recognize it is simply another part of the cycle, and i don't want to fall for it again. i have been thinking of him too much - thinking of his well-being, safety, and mental health. i have been thinking too much of womonfolk who have let me know they have felt mistreated by him and the womonfolk that are still currently in his life and at risk of being hurt by him. i need to shift my focus inward and begin instead focusing on healing my self.

i do not know if he is making a conscious decision to not see his behavior and treatment of my self and others as abusive, or if it is subsconcious - a need to disbelieve such things about himself could be true. i am going to try my best to stop worrying about this, and instead to move on. it grieves me, but that is the best and most healthy thing i can do. i have to let him go.

i also have to let his secrets go. i am grateful that there have been witnesses to some of his acts of abuse - it helps me feel validated when people in my life come forward and let me know what abuse they witnessed, and how uncomfortable it made them feel. i am less alone in those moments. however, there are many more moments that no one human witnessed... moments between he and i that are within our respective memories alone. those are the more painful memories for me - that there was no one to bare witness, no one i can discuss incidents with who has any sort of knowing about what occurred, no one who can offer perspective. it was a sense of shame that kept me from discussing some of these memories... shame that perhaps i deserved the treatment, shame that someone i loved and trusted could treat me such a way, shame that i was in a relationship that involved such behavior that i actively defended. so much shame. i want to break the shame and the silence.

my former partner was accused of rape as a teenager. he told me this after we had been involved for some time, confessed it to me amidst tears, let me know that he had told very few people and that i was one of the only lovers he had ever had who now knew. i was silent and dumbfounded. i did not ask the questions i wish now i had asked. the information he gave me was minimal - he said he had been accused of rape by a womon he had been sexually involved with, and that later she had dropped it. i have no idea what happened beyond those pieces of information he told me. he asked me not to tell anyone, to keep it a secret. he said it was a misunderstanding.

i have carried this information as a weight. i have held it close to my heart, a piece of information i did not even my self want to examine or expose. i am tired of how heavy and exhausting a burden it has been to carry. it is not my place to carry it, it is not my responsibility, and i refuse to keep his secrets any longer. this is a piece of information that should not be a hidden secret. my former partner is an outspoken political activist and organizer, someone that identifies himself as an anarchist and feminist ally. i feel that if he wants to be these things he must be honest, most especially with the womonfolk in his life with whom he desires to have sexual or intimate relationships with. his being accused of rape happened while he was a young teenager and on the other side of the country, at a time when he was going by a different name. i feel and fear he has detached himself from the experience, and has not made an effort to be accountable for it. the fact that he has chosen to tell so few people (i was one of two people in his current life that he told) frightens me. in my mind, accountability is intrinsically linked with honesty.

i want all womonfolk to be safe, to be able to consent with full awareness of what they are consenting to. womon deserve to know if someone they are wanting to be involved with sexually or intimately has been accused of rape. i wish i had this piece of information at the beginning of my relationship with my former partner. i also wish i had known, as he later told me, of his history of unhealthy and unsuccessful partnerships and relationships. if he had desired to be held accountable for these things and had wanted to have an honest and consenting relationship with me, i feel these are pieces of information which should have been given to me forthright.

i am not maintaining silence anymore. i am going to break this cycle of shame. i am going to talk about my experiences as i need to - they are my experiences, after all, and i no longer feel any sense of obligation to protect my former partner from public opinion. i am breaking the silence and i am breaking free of the abuse.

Friday, January 21, 2011

the incident continued

i am continuing from my previous entry - please read this entry for the first part of the story i am sharing, and this entry to supply context to the entire tale.

after my melodramatic gesture, i spent time sitting on my bed and taking care of my cuts, floating between worlds, feeling simultaneously fucked-up and clearheaded. when my phone rang, i was expecting it to be my former partner - however, it was my mom. she had received a call from my former partner in which he told her that he was worried about me and asked her to call me. why he chose to do this and not to call me him self i can only speculate on. previously though he and i had discussed what to do if any situations were ever to arise in which my gifts were feeling dangerous and i was in need of more support than he could offer, and i had let him know that it was acceptable and most likely a good idea to call my mom at those times. my mom is one of my closest friends, and knows my dangerous gifts intimately. over the phone i cried and expressed to her that i was confused as to why my former partner had called her and not called me himself; i let her know about what had happened earlier in conversation between he and i over the chat; and i let her know i was feeling sincerely pissed-off at my former partner and that i was sick with a fever to boot. my mom expressed disappointment and irritation that my former partner had called her and failed to give any context or explanation as to why he wanted her to call me, and that he had not acknowledged that i had in fact been triggered by his behavior towards me. i let her know this was something that upset me too - that he did not supply any background information to my mom. my mom, being the wonderful support that she is and someone who knows me extremely well, picked up on two things immediately and pointed them out to me: firstly, it was not okay that my former partner had canceled our plans in the manner that he had; and secondly, that this scenario was obviously not the only thing distressing me so profoundly, and that is was no doubt merely the tip of a fucking iceberg. she asked if she could come over (she lives about a 15 minute drive away) and i wholeheartedly said yes.

i have mixed feelings on my former partner's decision to call my mom. on the one hand, i had previously given him permission to do so should a situation arise in which i needed immediate support. it was true i was having a challenging and dangerous night, and that it was really nice to hear from my mom and know that she was on her way over. in that regards, i felt okay with my former partner's decision to call her - it could have been coming from a place of genuine and immediate concern on his part. however, on the other hand, i did not know what his motivations were, and i was confused by the differing possibilities. the fact that he did not give my mom a disclaimer on what had transpired between he and i, the fact that he had not called me and asked if i needed or wanted him to call my mother, and the fact that he abruptly ended his dialogue with me muddied my ideas of his calling my mother from a place of concern. i felt that it was possible his choice to call my mother, as opposed to calling me, was a shifting of responsibility - as he did not inform my mom of why i was so upset or having such a hard time. my mother pointed out that his choice to call her could have been an effort on his part to control her perception of what i was going through - she said he had implied that my current situation of feeling dangerous was simply part of my 'dangerous gifts' and not connected to reality, or a rational response to mistreatment... he had made no mention of any disagreement or conflict between he and i as being the impetus.

my mom arrived shortly and we sat and talked for a while, her listening patiently and compassionately to where i was coming from. she asked if i wanted to come back over to her place and stay the night, and i readily agreed. i started hastily packing a bag, at which point i remember my former partner logging back on to chat. i told my mom i wanted to check in with him, and she didn't mind waiting a bit before heading back to her place, and was happy to support me through the conversation i had with him. honestly i don't remember what we chatted about. i remember telling him i was going to my mom's place. i do not remember what he said to me. i think it was a brief chat.

once i got to my mom's place, we chatted a bit more and then she went to bed and i curled up on the pull-out sofa bed. i did some writing at the computer and did some chatting with a lover. that's when the phone calls and messages started coming in.

i doubt i am going to be able to get the chronology right with the next part of this story; however, i'll do my best.

what felt like all at once i received a number of text messages, chat messages, and phone calls on my cell phone as well as a phone call on my mom's phone. (she had given me her phone before she went to bed, in case my former partner tried calling her again - she said she didn't want to wake up to him and asked if i felt comfortable either answering it or just ignoring the call, as i chose, if it should ring.) i'm going to try to explain what happened with the people who contacted me; please know that i was extremely flustered and i doubt i'm going to remember it all correctly.

i was completely overwhelmed and surprised by all of these messages coming in. the two times my cell phone rang i ignored it, as i was quite reasonably not feeling as though i was in a headspace to speak with whomever was calling. the text messages were from two different friends of mine - one asking if i was okay, the other asking if she could call me. the chat messages were from two other friends, both asking if i was okay... trying to navigate these multiple conversations at once, in a place of confused bewilderment, i eventually was able to put together this story from the folks who had contacted me - each told me some version of this: my former partner had contacted them and informed them that i had attacked him and was having a dangerous time, that i had cut my self and was in an emergency situation, and that he (my former partner) was deeply concerned about me. i found this absolutely infuriating as the same tale unfolded from a few different people. i could not fathom what good my former partner thought it would do to contact all of these people - as it was extremely flustering and unnerving to have them all contact me at once, voicing concern, each having been told a tale that was at worst untrue and at best very biased. several of the people he had chosen to contact were already not very fond of him or the relationship he and i held, so naturally these people took what he said with a grain of salt and patiently waited for me to inform them of what had occurred. every single person who contacted me expressed surprise when i explained that my former partner and i had not even been in the same house, and that his choice of the word attack was misconstrued - it could be said that i verbally attacked him, as this was true, in an online chat we had. however, and most naturally, through the vocabulary he had chosen to relay the scenario in, people were contacting me with the idea in their mind that i had without provocation physically assaulted my former partner. 'angry' does not even begin to describe how i was feeling at this point.

there are many reasons i am uncomfortable with my former partner's choice to contact so many of my friends that night. as i said earlier, i cannot fathom what good he thought would come of having all of these people contact me - it was a very triggering and overwhelming occurrence that left me feeling disoriented and frustrated. also, as i mentioned earlier, he and i had conversations about what to do in scenarios when i was feeling dangerous, and i had told him clearly who i was okay with him contacting. frustratingly enough, he contacted a number of people i had never given him permission to contact, while simultaneously neglecting to contact people whom i had given him permission to contact. he did contact a few people i had previously said it was okay for him to contact in emergency situations... however, for example, he did not contact my other long-term lover with whom i have a very healthy and supportive relationship; and he chose to contact instead a new lover in my life whom my former partner barely knows. luckily this new lover of mine is a very supportive individual, and was shocked and frustrated at my former partner's choice to contact him... as we both discussed, my former partner had no idea what sort of a relationship we were in and whether or not my new lover was even the sort of person i would want to be informed of my dangerous moments.

it was not until the next day while on the phone with a beloved friend (who had also been contacted by my former partner) that i was able to form a working interpretation of my former partner's motivation in making these phone calls. as i said, the people contacted were a few of my close friends, lovers, and old lovers. my former partner had not told any of them of the conversation that had occurred between he and i earlier that evening. he had not given any context, did not explain why i was triggered, and did not clarify that he and i were not in the same house and therefore that he had no actual idea as to what was going on for me - only an interpretation based on an online chat. his message had been, quite simply, she is in a dangerous headspace to all of these people he contacted. i believe his choice to simplify his message to this one singular point speaks volumes. as i stated in my previous entry, i had told him in no unclear terms that i was absolutely finished dealing with him and our relationship, and that i wanted nothing to do with him anymore. after discussion with other survivors of abuse and friends of mine who patiently pointed it out, his choice to make these phone calls could essentially be interpreted as an attempt to control the situation. i have no idea if this was a conscious or subconscious effort on his part. what i do know however is that he chose to contact a seemingly random selection of people that i had previously given him no permission to contact on my behalf; that he had not given any of them any information on what had actually transpired; and that he described the incident as though it were surprising and unprovoked, seemingly irrational or unexplainable.

it is possible that this was a final attempt at controlling me and the direction of our relationship. recognizing that i had hit my breaking point, reaching out and attempting to tell the community that i was acting irrationally - this could certainly have aided his need to not be held accountable or responsible for his abuse towards me. painting a picture of me as 'crazy' would make any accusations directed at him on my part seem less believable. his playing the role of a supportive, concerned individual simply looking out for me would also bolster doubt in others if i were to speak out against his abuse. as i said, i have no idea if this was a calculated effort on his part, or an act that he did not thoroughly think through. i just don't know, and i am not sure i will ever know. i cannot know his motivations. all i am left with are his actions, and my responses to them and the emotions i feel about them.

there is more about this night that i want to write about, more details to share. essentially though that is the story of my breaking point, and the response my former partner had to it.

the last email i received from him (which i chose not to respond to for a variety of reasons) came last week and included the statement "of course it is clear that i was not trying to hurt you".

"of course, it is clear that he was not trying to hurt me". this is supposed to be of some comfort. right?

the incident

i am just going to continue writing from where i left off in my last blog entry. for background and context for the story i am about to share, please see this entry.

at around 10:20pm, my former partner sent me an instant chat message saying he was going to be late. i asked him how much later, and let him know that i was feeling sleepy and sick. he did not answer my question, and asked if i was going to be feeling up to having a check-in - he clarified that he wanted to talk about our individual boundaries around us each having lovers at the house, since we were going to be roommates for january. i told him i thought that was a good and very reasonable topic for discussion, and that i would be willing to play a listening role that evening... but that i was feeling much too sick and fuzzy-headed to offer too much of my own input. i told him i was mostly looking forward to relaxing and cuddling together, and that since i was feeling so rough, i might still wind up going to my parents' place if i felt the need to after we hung-out. my former partner then abruptly told me he changed his mind, he was not going to come home and hang-out with me that night, and that instead he was going to stay over night where he was, at a lover's place.

first of all, i feel that his decision and his manner of telling me it were disrespectful regardless of the state of the relationship we were in. it is a definite polyamory no-no to cancel plans with one lover (or in this case, former lover and intimate friend) in order to spend time with another lover - not to mention at the last minute, and not to mention without checking-in and asking how the other person feels about it. secondly, this was two days after my former partner had been crying to me about how i did not prioritize spending time with him and did not make plans to spend time with him often enough, so the fact that i had rearranged my plans for the day and patiently waited for him to come home felt blatantly disrespected and dismissed by him. thirdly, he did not acknowledge the fact that i had told him multiple times in both the chat and emails we had exchanged that i was having a hard day and not feeling well - he did not ask how i was feeling or even include me in his decision to cancel our plans, or acknowledge my vulnerability. something in me crystallized in that moment. when i looked at the chat, i saw it: abuse. i saw a tactic being used. in those moments i felt acute awareness of manipulation (having been manipulated, two days previous, into sincerely believing i had not been spending enough time with my former partner and that he wanted to prioritize spending time together) and control (despite our making plans together, he controlled the scenario by canceling our plans without my input). perhaps if this had never happened before, or was an isolated incident, i could have let it go. however, it was absolutely not new or isolated - it had happened countless times in our relationship before, in a myriad of formats and ways, over and over again. something inside of me snapped.

i was able to reasonably express in the chat that i was feeling hurt, that i was sad i had not been included in his decision and that he had not asked me how i was feeling or if i was okay with our plans being canceled, and that i was feeling frustrated that i had rearranged my plans to accommodate having a hang-out time with him only to have it canceled at the last minute. he responded with reflective listening - "i hear you are feeling hurt." he did not apologize or accept responsibility for his actions, or offer me anything other than "i hear..." statements. i want to be clear that i think reflective listening is a very valuable tool, and that he and i had been working on using it more in our relationship. i also want to be clear that i believe there is a time and place for it, and that reflective listening can also go hand in hand with acknowledgment and/or apology. despite his use of "i hear..." statements, i did not feel heard by my former partner. i felt he was sticking to the reflective listening formula in order to bypass apologizing to me or attempting to address where my feelings were coming from and what to do about them. i felt dismissed.

in those moments the shifting began to occur in earnest. i felt my blood run cold and the breaking point hit me like a physical weight - i began trembling and crying uncontrollably. i felt like i was looking at the entire three years of our relationship through a microscope and seeing these same patterns, these cycles of abuse, occurring over and over again. my former partner's abrupt canceling of our plans was in absolutely no way the 'worst' of it - in fact, it was so mundane, so everyday. i recognized in my self the reality of this... that it was not excessive or surprising or out of character for him. that is part of what shook me up. that this wasn't odd or unfamiliar - that i could recognize it as a formula, something that kept happening. something that often times escalated beyond what anyone should reasonably have to deal with. his nonchalance in the chat only further highlighted this for me... this was not unusual for him. this was the way our relationship was.

i snapped. maybe because i am dangerously gifted, i am more familiar with the numinous realms of existence. i drifted someplace else because the rage coursing through my body could not be contained or understood by me - it was too big and it was too painful. i ceased caring about how i was communicating with my former abuser, and told him in fierce and unapologetic terms that i had enough. i told him i was feeling the edge of my dangerous gifts, that i was drifting into danger, that i did not want to deal with him any longer, that i had absolutely had it. i do not remember everything i typed to him - a lot of it was, i am quite sure, angry and abusive in and of itself. i stopped caring about maintaining positive and constructive communications with him. i broke wide open with my pain and let it flow out over me. i expressed it how i had to in those moments.

i want to acknowledge that because of the state i was in, i may not get the chronology of all that happened exactly right. i'll try to. at some point my former abuser abruptly logged off the chat. i drifted from my bedroom to the bathroom, and found my self remarkably clear despite the haze and the shaking.

before i continue, i want to warn anyone who may be triggered or uncomfortable by it that i'm going to talk about self-injury in the next paragraph. i'm going to supply some background about my perspectives on self-injury and my history with self-injury to provide context - i feel like my perspectives are radically different than the mainstream or dominant cultural view of self-injury, and i feel it's important to share them in order to truly share what friday night was like for me.

i started engaging in self-injury when i was a young teenager. it was primarily an emotional outlet for me, and a way to create a physical  manifestation of the pain i was experiencing inside. i recognized the taboo surrounding it, and because of that told very few people in my life that i cut my self. i managed to hide my habit from my family as well as the majority of my friends. i went through periods of time in which self-injury was an impulsive and unhealthy experience for me; however, as i got older, my relationship with self-injury began to shift and grow. it gradually became a healthier and more empowering experience for me that i engaged in less and less frequently. i started to view it as a form of harm reduction - i became conscious of where i was cutting, making sure whatever implement i was using was clean, that i did not cut too deep, and that i cared for it during the healing period. it was, in all honesty, healthier for me than other behavior i had been engaging in as a teenager... including excessive drinking and substance abuse. self-injury became an almost meditative outlet for me, a ritualized experience that helped me fully be present with whatever pain i was coping with, and to feel a sense of release and relief from the mental distress i was under. eventually i went months without any acts of self-injury... and then later, years. the few times i did commit any acts of self-injury occurred at moments of extreme change. internally, my acts of self-injury had a significant purpose in my world - to physically mark a mental shift or pivotal emotional moment of my life. after reading about how other societies and cultures have experienced and participated in self-injury as a form of spiritual initiation, i recognized how much that concept had resonated with me on some level for my entire life.

prior to friday night, it had been at least four years, probably five, since i had committed any act of self-injury. i was not entirely lucid for all of friday evening after i hit my breaking point; however i do remember feeling moments of deep and penetrating clarity. cutting my self served several purposes for me... representation of my mental anguish in a physical and visible form; permanent acknowledgment on my body to signify the mental and emotional shift that was occurring within me; and a mode of releasing the tremendous anger that was coursing through my body. i cut my self carefully, three times, using a sterile razor, on my left fore arm far away from arteries and veins, and making sure not to cut too deeply. three cuts to symbolize the cycle of maiden, mother, and crone - the holy trinity. this was symbolic to me and was a form of recognizing the ending of an unhealthy cycle, and the opportunity for something new to be born from the ashes of the old.

as important and spiritual as the experience was for me, i don't want to gloss over or downplay the fact that i was in a very angry and fucked-up headspace. i spent the next few minutes letting my blood run freely while wanting to find some other way of expressing and expelling my anger. i settled on tearing up a photocopy of a book my former abuser had given me. i had a destructive urge and it felt like that was a good target - it was something my former partner had given to me that was a photocopy of a book that was important to him; it was not the book itself or any other sort of irreplaceable or cherished item. symbolically it was satisfying to tear it up, and i experienced a lot less guilt than had i ripped up or destroyed something more than a photocopy. my blood dripped down onto the pages as i tore them up, venting and releasing anger that had been steadily growing for months.

i admit that i eventually took these torn pages and tossed them onto my former abuser's bed in an act of impulsive deviance. was this melodramatic? extremely. inappropriate? definitely. embarrassing? yeah, i'd say so. if i could go back, would i stop my self from doing it? i believe i would. do i regret it? honestly, no. i want to own it and admit to it as a disrespectful and flagrantly dramatic gesture that was in no way okay or acceptable. i also want to own all of the many individual moments that lead me to behave in such a manner. i want to be simultaneously aware of and responsible for my actions; i also do not want to be too utterly hard on my self, given the context of what was going on for me. it's a difficult balance. i eventually want to apologize to my former partner for this behavior, and i am trusting that there will be the right time and place to do so. i want to hold my self accountable for my actions... much the way i wish that he would hold himself accountable for his.

there is much more to tell of friday night and the unfolding of my story... however this entry is long enough and has taken a lot out of me, as i have had to relive and reflect on much in order to share it all. i want to share it all, i want to be free of the burdens i have acquired. i also want to take my time and remember to take deep breaths. i am breathing right now, thanking my diaphragm for seeing me through so much. and thank you too for reading and baring witness to my vulnerability. this experience is needing to be shared with more than just my journal.

in my next entry, i'll continue from where i've left off here. i've been trying to write and post each day, though this is not always reasonable for me. i'll share when i can, and not a moment sooner.

Monday, January 17, 2011

context is everything

i hit my breaking point on friday january 7th of this year. i started this blog three days later. with all of the reading i have been doing and discussions i have been having, i now recognize that it is very common for abused womonfolk to hit a breaking point - the point at which they refuse to accept the abuse any longer, the point at which they most likely see the relationship with a new level of clarity and are finally able to leave. sometimes the breaking point is extreme escalation on the part of the abuser: an act of violence or mistreatment that somehow seems worse or more severe than anything the abuser has done previously. other times the breaking point can be small or seemingly mundane; an act or behavior that is part of how your abuser regularly treats you. this can be viewed as 'the straw that broke the camel's back'. friday night was a little bit of both for me. i want to talk about that night as honestly and openly as i can. however, i recognize that will be hard for me emotionally, and i want to be honest about that too. i want to explain my experiences of friday night within the context of what i had been experiencing previously and the inappropriate behavior from my abuser that was escalating. i want to tell my story.

some context first. in all honesty there is so much i want to write about, to expel from my body and heart, and i suppose there will eventually be a time and space for me to do that for every single story i have bottled up within me. for now though i will stick to applying some background to what occurred friday night, and so will just be imparting short versions of the events previous to friday. i want to keep focused.

in october of 2010, my abuser (who was my partner at the time) informed me that he was not able to be in a partnership that did not involve sex and/or sexuality. this came after several months of my struggling with my sexuality, and my current decision to be celibate for a period of time to process through what i was feeling and experiencing. as a survivor of sexual abuse which occurred in my youth, i go through periods of time in which sex can be triggering for me. during these periods it is healthiest for me to abstain from sexual involvement until i begin to feel more safe and empowered with my sexuality and sexual choices once again. for several months prior to october, i had been having a great deal of trouble with my sexuality, and had been having sex very infrequently with my partner. during this period of time, he refused to respect my sexual boundaries in a variety of ways, from unwanted sexualized touching of me to continual reference to the fact that we were not having sex regularly - he brought this up daily, despite my request that he not do so. one day in october i presented to him what i thought was a compromise: i suggested we schedule a once-a-week council in which he and i would sit and specifically talk about our sex and sexuality. i felt this would meet my need to have space from this topic of discussion in my everyday life, and it would meet his need to be heard on the topic and to talk with me about it. he refused and said that this plan was not adequate for him and did not meet his needs. we had a conversation that escalated to crying and shouting on both of our parts. my abuser then said to me that he was unable to be my partner, or anyone's partner, if there was no sex or sexuality involved in the partnership. i was deeply stung by this, and attempted to explain that my need for celibacy and heightened sexual boundaries was temporary. my former partner did not offer compassion on these topics a the time, and it was in that conversation we decided to no longer refer to one another as 'partner' or 'lover'. since that conversation, my former partner has expressed that he 'did not mean' what he said and that he is sorry. i have not yet healed from this occurrence. however, my former partner and i did continue to live together as roommates and sustain a very close and very intimate relationship in a lot of ways. for a short period of time, i thought things were changing between us... however that illusion did not last long, and despite the major change in the label to our relationship, the relationship itself was still very much the same, and the abusive treatment i received eventually started up again, in earnest.

between october and december 2010, i was put through several rounds of the cycle of abuse. in the worst moments of these cycles, i would often sob to supportive friends and family about whatever the latest incident was, and would seriously consider and discuss taking more steps to have my former partner less involved in my life. i finally began sharing the full details of incidents or conversations that had occurred with my abuser, and sharing emails he sent me that i felt were inappropriate, in order to gain a sense of perspective. i began to receive serious acknowledgment and support from a few key people in my life who found my former partner's treatment of me abusive. in the best moments of these cycles, i would be singing my former partner's praises, sharing with pride the kind things he had said to me and apologies he had made, and expressing to him my excitement at the possibility of our becoming partners once again.

by mid-december, my former partner and i had agreed that it was best that we cease living together, and planned to stop doing so for january 1st. the cycle of abuse was escalating in rapidity, and my mental health was beginning to severely suffer. i began having a great deal of trouble sleeping, eating, and remembering to take my medications. i started losing weight, losing my hair, and becoming very physically ill. i began staying with my parents for days at a time, as it was a safe space for me in which i felt respected and taken care of. i told my abuser that i felt i needed to go to the hospital, the psychiatric ward, as i was feeling dangerous and unable to take care of my self. he insisted i did not need to do this, and that he would take care of me. he reminded me of the negative experiences i had with hospitalization in the past. he said that he would create a structure, or framework, in which he and others in our community would help make sure i was eating, taking my medications, and getting exercise. we had multiple conversations over the course of two weeks in which i kept telling him i felt the need to go to the hospital, and he kept telling me he would create a structure to take care of me so that i would not have to. this structure never materialized. i kept putting my trust in him however and believing that it would, and did not say anything to anyone else in my life about my desire to be admitted to the hospital. my former partner was adamant in his insistence that i did not need to go and that he would take care of me; he stated that this structure he was creating, a schedule to help me keep on the right track with my mental health, would be implemented by january 1st. i believed him. i continued struggling with forgetting to take my medications and not eating enough. while i was in this state, my former partner lamented that he was not able to find a home for january 1st and asked if he could stay with me and my roommate at the new house we planned to move into for january 1st. my roommate and i had not yet found a third roommate to live with us, and though i recognize we could have, i was feeling much too stressed out and ill to desire putting energy into finding a roommate... so despite our better judgment, my roommate and i told my former partner he could live with us for the month of january.

january 1st we all moved into the new house. during the first week i was still feeling quite sick, and spending time at my parents' place here and there. i kept anticipating some form of acknowledgment or dialogue with my former partner about the schedule and structure he said would be applied for january 1st, but nothing happened. in fact, during this first week of january, he began pushing the idea of staying for february, as he said he was having trouble finding anywhere to live for february 1st. he also began to complain to me that i was not giving him enough attention or spending enough time with him. nothing more was said about my mental health or the schedule he said he would create. i spent the majority of time in my bed or at my parents' place. i spent some time with supportive lovers that would visit me and try to help me with unpacking or encouraging me to eat and take my medications, and simply to keep me company.

on january 6th i had spent the day at home with a lover. my former partner was not at home and had earlier told me he planned to stay over at his lover's place for the night. my physical illness had been getting worse, and i became sick with a fever. my lover spent the night of the 6th and woke up with me on the 7th. i was a mess - having trouble with breathing and swallowing, experiencing cold chills, and sporting a fever. he hung out and was great support to me, saw to it that i got my self into a nice steamy shower, and then headed off for the rest of his day. after my shower, i checked my email where i found a relatively friendly note from my former partner requesting to spend some time with me that evening and asking to have a check-in. i had been planning on going to my parents' place to spend some time there, as i was feeling pretty miserable in every sense of the word and wanted company... however i was happy with the idea of spending time with my former partner and decided to rearrange my plans so that we could hang-out that night. i sent him an email letting him know i was available that evening and looking forward to seeing him, and that i was also not feeling well and was sick. after this i fell into a sleep and woke-up a few hours later, sweating with fever and feeling disoriented. i tried to eat, though i was still feeling really sick to my stomach. i checked my email again and saw an email from my former partner saying he'd be home at 10:30 to hang-out. i spent the next few hours laying in bed, melancholy and sick.

i want to acknowledge how long this blog entry has become. i also am recognizing, within my self, how so many factors can pile up inside, and what the weight of all of these things accumulating can do to a person. i feel like i've supplied enough background to go into the incident that occurred and triggered me hitting a breaking point in my relationship with my abuser. however i feel i've done enough writing for today and need to give my self a break to step out of this headspace. on that note, i'm going to finish this entry with a link on self-care for survivors. time for me to curl up and read a good book.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

depression

today i am stuck in sadness, frustration, pain, and loss. today i don't know what to write about. usually i have something in mind that has been pressing at me, something i need to share or express or be heard on. i have those things churning away inside of me still; it's just that today none of them feel like the right topic. the thing is, today i am not feeling strong, and the idea of writing about a topic and attempting to do so from a place of strength would feel inauthentic. today i am vulnerable and i want to respond accordingly, authentically. i want to honor my vulnerability and not try to hide it or downplay it in order to feel safe.

“Adult women who have been abused in a relationship in the past five years have rates of depression 2½ times greater than women who have never been abused, according to a different study of more than 3,000 women. They are also more likely to be socially isolated.” -Amy Bonomi

the last year of my life i have been struggling with depression. i was diagnosed with clinical depression over a decade ago, and experience bouts with it here and there. i do not believe depression to be a 'mental illness' - i think it can be a quite understandable response to an utterly insane civilization. likewise, i think becoming depressed is a reasonable response to abuse. for this past year i have been searching for reasoning behind my extreme feelings of depression... trying to rationalize it and explain it, looking everywhere for an answer - except for in my relationship with my former partner. after reading about the psychological stages of responses to abuse, i can understand this behavior of mine much more clearly.

i was deep in denial (the first of four stages in what is now called 'battered person's syndrome', which refers to emotional battering as well as physical). i was desperate to find a cause for my depression that would not force me to acknowledge and address the abuse. the second stage, guilt, followed on its heals, as i justified my mistreatment as acceptable since i was no doubt difficult to be around and be in a relationship with as a dangerously gifted person. (of course i refused to recognize the fact that, as a polyamorous person, i was in a number of other healthy and functioning relationships. acknowledging this would most likely have forced me to address my former partner's treatment of me, and i was not ready to do this.) next came enlightenment, which happened this summer... this consisted of recognizing a lot of the ways in which my former partner was treating me as inappropriate and, in certain instances, even being able to call it 'abusive'. i talked with him about this, and believed he was sincere in telling me his desires to change and to take responsibility for his actions. he persistently told me he was 'working on it', and i continued to believe him, despite further mistreatment. last is responsibility, which is the stage i have found my self thrust into this past month - recognizing the situation for what it is, and realizing that my former partner was not changing and that his abuse was continuing to hurt me. i had to take responsibility for this and make the choice to end the abuse by removing him from my life.

depression is, in my mind, a reasonable response to everything i have endured and everything i am currently processing. knowing this, however, doesn't seem to make it any easier for me. reading about and recognizing the reality of depression in womonfolk who are survivors of abuse has helped me be more at peace with the emotions i am currently experiencing. it helps to keep in mind that i did not in any way deserve the abuse i endured. my depression is something i need to process and heal through in my own way - it is not something that is going to disappear over night simply because my abuser is now out of my life. there is no doubt a great deal of healing on the path ahead of me. i try to embark on it as committed as i can to my own health and well-being, even if there are moments when i doubt i deserve such things.

If you are being abused, remember:

  • You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
  • You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
  • You deserve to be treated with respect.
  • You deserve a safe and happy life.
  • You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.

keeping all of that in mind can offer me courage on even the hardest days. 

Saturday, January 15, 2011

sharing vulnerability

i am feeling vulnerable. i have been for a long time - the sense of it is just more acute these last few weeks. i have not always felt comfortable sharing or exposing this vulnerability. i have felt the need to build up a suit of armor from the inside on out in order to feel even remotely safe. letting this armor down is scary to me... i have been wanting, needing, to be strong for my self through this last month and the various occurrences and interactions and revelations that have been a part of it. i want to be strong enough to know when it is safe and healthy for me to be vulnerable, to cry and mourn and feel my pain without risk of becoming wrapped up in it to a point where i am becoming submissive again. this is my fear. i recognize that in the past my sharing of vulnerability has been taken advantage of. the times when i am vulnerable are the times when i can best be used as a doormat. i am less likely to resist or protest mistreatment, and less likely to defend or stand up for my self. for this reason i have been wearing my armor in any and all interactions with my former partner, be it through email or seeing him in the hallway as he packs and moves his belongings. i have to wear this armor to remind my self that i am strong and not deserving of abuse. i have to wear this armor to remind my abuser, also, that i will not tolerate any further mistreatment from him. i am afraid that if i let my guard down for a moment, just one, he will get the upper hand once again. he will see my vulnerability and take advantage of it, as has happened in the past.

i don't want to live in this armor. i want to feel safe enough, to know that i am safe enough, to delve into my deeper emotions of sadness, loss, and grief. i want to honor my fury, my anger and indignation as a healthy and intrinsic part of my healing. it is not the only part though. it is the safest part for me, because when i am in tune with that sense of injustice welling up inside, i feel my strength, i feel my power in saying no more. it is when i am soft and sad, lamenting the loss of a partner, that i feel fear in my heart that somehow this tenderness of mine will be taken advantage of... even in the moments when i am alone, in my bed, crying. i want to stop because i am afraid that if i follow the sadness to a place of submission i will begin the cycle of abuse all over again, justifying his behavior and believing that it will change. i am afraid of sharing how much i miss my former partner because i do not want my statement of 'i miss him' to be interpreted as 'i forgive him and want him back in my life'. i do not. i want to miss him sincerely, profoundly, the way i have been - i want to mourn and feel the loss of our good times. i want to reminisce and grieve. i want to do all of these things while simultaneously honoring that doing this, mourning and lamenting and missing him, does not in any way signify that i accept his treatment of me.

learning about the cycle of abuse has helped me put into perspective all of the times my partner was wonderful to me, almost too good to be true. this is what abuse is - the good times hook a person, keep her ensnared and believing that the ways in which she is being mistreated are somehow balanced out by the times in which she is treated wonderfully. this was the situation with my former partner. when he was angry, dismissive, or downright cruel towards me, i would justify this behavior within my self. i would think of the times in which he was tender, generous, and kind to me, and stay focused on these times to the detriment of my own health. when people in my life commented on disliking some of his behavior and how he treated me, i would counter with stories of times in which he took care of me and offered me support and love. i would find ways to justify his abuse.

there are beautiful times we had together that i am mourning. my days are full of moments that involve remembering these times and missing him profoundly. my days are also full of moments when i remember and relive experiences of abuse and i become angry at him, grateful he is exiting my life. other moments i want to reach out, tell him i miss him. this is a feeling i have that i will not act on because in the past, when i have reached out to him in times of such vulnerability and shared this, i have felt attacked, belittled, and taken advantage of for sharing vulnerability with him. still, i miss him. there were good times as well as abuse. it is profoundly confusing to go throughout my day, feeling these extremes... moments where all i want to do is connect with him and make sure that he is okay; and moments where i literally never want to see him again, ever. it is exhausting and confusing. what helps me now is knowing i am not alone in this process - this is what so very many abused womonfolk go through, and why so many wind up going back to their abusers. it is so hard to break free of the cycle.

getting past justifying abuse has been a helpful resource for me. i am learning that i can honor everything that is going on inside of my self right now - that i can say no to abuse and mistreatment and also love my former partner, from a distance as is needed. i am deeply hurt and enraged by the abuse and mistreatment that occurred. i also miss my former partner deeply. missing him does not make me weak, stupid, or naive. it makes me a complex being, a survivor, a womon in the process of healing. i am strong and part of my strength involves acknowledging all of my emotions, no matter how complicated or scary they may seem or feel to my self or others.

Friday, January 14, 2011

warning signs

today the wind is raging outside and i am unsure of what to write, what to work on within my self, what to process through. i am feeling exhausted from the whirlwind of change that has swept through my life the last few weeks; however, i'm also feeling invigorated and rejuvenated by it. i was beginning to feel my self slip away, and beginning to witness this very thing as the months wore on... i am recuperating now. i refuse to fall any farther, so at the very least my journey is a continuing climb upwards from now on.

today i have been reading about warning signs to look for when attempting to deduce if one is in an abusive relationship... i've done a great deal of reading on this topic prior to identifying and labeling my treatment as abusive; however, in the aftermath of ending a relationship that lasted nearly three years and involved a great deal of emotional upheaval and unchecked abuse, it feels so reassuring to read through these lists. to be able to know that the treatment i endured was not okay or appropriate, and that it has been well documented and recognized as being abusive. it's complicated because naturally reading these lists and searching within my self and sharing with others my experiences has been extremely painful - i don't want and never wanted this sort of treatment, and i don't want to recognize someone i put a great deal of trust, love, and energy into as fitting these descriptions of an abuser. i don't like reading these lists and seeing him in every statement. however, i do like no longer feeling as though i was utterly alone in my experiences... as i said, complicated. i don't want any other womonfolk ever to have to endure any sort of mistreatment; the reality is, so many womon endure so many different forms of mistreatment that these treatments have been well documented, labeled, and analyzed. fuck. so here i am, recognizing my self and my former partner in lists, articles, books, and information on abuse and abusers.

Does he do any of these things?

  • ignore your feelings?
  • disrespect you?
  • ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
  • withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
  • give you the silent treatment?
  • walk away without answering you?
  • criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
  • humiliate you privately or in public?
  • roll his eyes when you talk?
  • give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
  • make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?
  • seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?
  • tell you that you are too sensitive?
  • hurt you especially when you are down?
  • seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
  • have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?
  • present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
  • "twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?

  • say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
  • ever left you stranded?
  • seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
  • compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
  • promise to never do something hurtful again?
  • manipulate you with lies and contradictions?
  • act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?
  • question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
  • interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
  • make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?
  • use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then?
  • incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?
  • try to convince you he is "right," while you are "wrong?"
  • frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
  • treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?
  • complain about how badly you treat him?
  • threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?
  • try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
i am exhausted and saddened moving through this list and sharing here each point that is relevant to my relationship with my former partner. it's disheartening to review this list and feel the reality of every statement sting me. this is all i have for today.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

don't doubt your sanity

"One of the best ways to tell if you are being abused is to trust your gut feeling. This is a difficult task, if your abuser has managed to make you doubt your own sanity, but it is vital to your survival and healing."

the above quote is from this page which offers signs of an abused woman. i found the information offered very valuable, especially the section on 'psychological and emotional battering through verbal abuse'.

i want to share that i am a dangerously gifted person. i have been diagnosed with mental illness. i move between the worlds and am, the majority of the time, what our society deems "high functioning". i also have moments of breakdown/breakthrough, which i try to honor and manage in the healthiest ways that i can. i am beginning to realize that the reason i took so long to clearly and definitively recognize the abuse i have been experiencing was based on mistrusting my self and my perceptions. the social stigma surrounding dangerous gifts, and the overwhelmingly sexist and patriarchal thoughts and theories of psychiatry, have kept me doubting and second guessing my abuse and my own abilities to clearly perceive reality.

to compound matters, this is an opinion my former partner actively encouraged me to hold. there were many times that i felt within my self that something he did or said was thoroughly inappropriate or abusive, and i would spend days turning it over in my mind, trying to figure out whether my perception was correct or not. i would go to him with this situation, and express my feelings of being mistreated and attempt to explain to him that i felt his treatment of me or words were not appropriate... he would consistently remind me that i was a dangerously gifted person and infer that my perception was, because of this, flawed. if i responded in justified anger or sadness to his abusive behavior, he would label this behavior as an 'episode' or 'anxiety attack' and immediately discount my response as unreasonable or irrational. most often these conversations would end with me apologizing and saying sorry. i now recognize that what he was doing is called discounting.

Discounting:  Does the abuser ignore or disparage your feelings?  Do they put down your feelings?  Do they dismiss you with statements such as, "you're too sensitive" or "you don't have a sense of humour" or "you're just taking it wrong"?

discounting was (and still is) an extreme problem in my relationship with my former partner. often my feelings were discounted as being caused by my dangerous gifts, as opposed to being direct and reasonable responses to his treatment of me. he actively encouraged me to believe that i was being 'too sensitive', was taking his actions or words the 'wrong way', and that this was due to my being both dangerously gifted and a survivor (of previous abuse and assault).


Countering:  Does the abuser tell you you're wrong if you don't agree with them?  Do they argue against your every thought?  Do they tell you your feelings are wrong?  Do they tell you that you don't know what you're talking about?  Do they forbid you from having your own opinions?

countering is another serious issue that has been present in our relationship, even in the early 'honeymoon' stage. within the first few months of our involvement, i noticed a great deal of arguments and disagreements were occurring, more than i felt were healthy or natural in a relationship. these would often begin with my sharing an opinion or feeling i had to which my former partner would respond aggressively to. he would disagree or argue against my statement, often interrupting me and accompanying that with macho posturing and aggressive tone and gestures. if i attempted to defend my position or stand up for my self, the situation would usually escalate to a point where we were both quite angry, and the conversation would be ended only when one of us left the room. eventually i became exhausted with this routine and just started remaining silent. the several times i attempted to dialogue with my former partner about the arguing, and tried to share that i felt it was excessive and unhealthy, he would behave in such a manner that inferred he had no idea what i was talking about. he told me he didn't think we argued excessively or that it was unhealthy, and that i had unreasonable standards for a healthy relationship. i recall telling him that arguing several times a week was not something i was comfortable with; he responded by claiming we did not argue this often at all and that i was exaggerating or overreacting. my roommates witnessed this behavior many times over and expressed concern to me on numerous occasions, and were often subject to my sobbing after an argument or disagreement had occurred. i'm recognizing that these conversations were never in fact 'arguments' or 'disagreements': they were incidents of me attempting to share my opinions, feelings, or experiences with my former partner, and his responding by aggressively countering my statements. if i fought against his countering, it escalated to an argument. if i did not, i simply listened and accepted his countering and kept my mouth shut. one of the things i find most disturbing is the fact that, at one point, i asked my former partner if it was normal in his relationships to argue as frequently as we were... he expressed that yes it was and that in his previous relationships arguing had happened just as frequently, if not more often.

the more i read and write, the more i feel my blood run hot and my heart race with the sensations of injustice. i desperately want to keep writing and writing, to get all of this out of me, to have it physically represented on a page, to cleanse me of the poison it has become... these feelings and experiences sitting stagnant in my body, rotting. it feels so good to release them and give them air. however, i want to be careful of my motivations and of my focus. i do not want to feel the need to 'prove' to my self or others that i have been abused; i do not want my motivation for writing in this blog to be the offering of evidence. i also want to focus on my goal, which is to heal... i do not want to become consumed with writing to the point that i am neglecting my self-care. for that reason, i'm moderating my daily writing. i have limited my self to one blog entry a day, the length of which i try to be conscious of. i do not want to overwhelm my self. this journey is about balance and renewal. it is about finding my inner strength and helping it flourish.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

the cycle of abuse

i have been having trouble sleeping lately. my sleep is plagued with bad dreams, and i often wake-up in the middle of the night soaking wet from cold sweats, my heart gripped with fear. i am having trouble eating, my stomach sick with indigestion. i am experiencing the gravity of loss, betrayal, and sadness that is recognizing my former partner as an abuser. i feel i am waking up from a deep and disturbed sleep. i am heartbroken as i process through writing, speaking, and sharing the things that have happened between us, as more and more i see the unhealthy patterns and ways in which i was utterly entrapped. i do not want to feel this way about someone i have loved so deeply for so long. i do not want someone who loves me and has been such a big part of my life for so long to treat me like this. i don't want to admit to my self how long it has been going on and how many times i refused to listen to my own heart, my own intuition, and to the chorus of concerned voices in my life - amazing friends and family who tentatively tried to bring to my attention the inappropriateness of his behavior, the unhealthiness of the relationship.

it is harder to doubt my self now that i am opening up and sharing more. i recognize that one of the scariest acts an abuser can perform is creating self-doubt within the person he is abusing. i did not trust my self or my interpretations of his behavior. in the many dialogues we had in person, on the phone, or via email, i would feel this vague sense of uneasiness, this intuitive belief that something in the way he was talking to me was not right. i often assumed i was being too analytical, too sensitive, or seeing things that were not there... he encouraged me to believe these things about my self, unsurprisingly. it is only now that i am sharing emails with others, discussing openly words he has used with me, and hearing back from people who have witnessed our conversations and interactions, that i am finally beginning to feel the cobwebs of doubt brushed out of my mind and heart... i am getting wholehearted and unanimous support from the people in my life that his behavior is abusive. they are taking me through it, step by step, explaining. and every time a lover or friend or family member says "i am bothered by this..." or "i feel uncomfortable about that..." in reference to something my abuser has said or written to me, my entire body swells with validation and gratitude and a desire to scream out, "YES! me too! for so long! and i have simply felt alone or incorrect or anomalous for feeling what i have felt, and i have remained mostly silent." i cry and cry over how good it is to no longer feel that i am making things up in my mind, or misinterpreting actions. abuse often consists of inflating and breeding self-doubt and lack of self-trust in the abused. i see this clearly now. i have not trusted my self or my experiences. i am so grateful to be able to be moving into a space in which i can feel and do these things... and i am so grateful to the many people in my life who are helping me get there.

one of the original reasons i was first weary to label my former partner's abuse as abuse had to do with the fact that he was often so very nice. he offered me a great deal of positive support at different times, and was a compassionate person to cry to when i needed to vent. in the moments where i was feeling most acutely mistreated, and verging on the ability to label him as abusive, i would think to these times - the tenderness and love he had displayed for me. thinking of these times often held me back from making any decisive changes in our relationship, or even voicing to anyone else in my life that i felt his behavior was abusive. i felt i was daily encountering dr. jekyll and mr. hyde, unsure of how to respond or react to his treatment. i have a much deeper understanding of this phenomenon after doing much reading and research about the cycle of abuse. i found that link offers the best and most moving account of what the cycle of abuse is, and what it does to the abused. i saw my self reflected in it, over and over again.

my abuser is not out of my life. in fact, he is still in my home. we are still in the stages of negotiating the end of our relationship and his leaving. i am trying to be strong and clear on my need for him to leave. it can be hard to be strong and clear when i feel i have been so thoroughly broken by this man, and yet i still have a great deal of love and concern for him. in order to help me be able to clearly express my self and to help me stay focused on what my message is when i do need to dialogue with him, i've created a most helpful and (so far) successful boundary: i will not dialogue with him in person, and i will not dialogue with him while i am alone. if i need to dialogue with him, it is done through the internet. regardless of whether it is instant messaging or email, i have a witness with me - someone to read my words and offer help with my phrasing and self-expression when and if i need it, and also to help alert me to any moments when i am becoming once again too submissive or forgiving. essentially, in this situation the witness acts as my cheerleader, supporting and encouraging me to speak what is in my heart openly. i also have a witness present reading my abusers words with me, offering me their interpretation and feedback as to how it makes them feel and (most often) agreeing with me when i point out a phrase or vocabulary he is using that i feel is abusive. this service has been invaluably healing for me. i no longer feel alone and lost in my own mind, trying to navigate how to interpret his words and doubting my self when i feel hurt and abused by them. unanimously people have been shocked by his treatment of me and have offered support in a way that is so deeply appreciated by me... i am being offered validation and recognition for what i have been dealing with and processing. i am not crazy or overreacting. i am not too critical or judgmental. i am an abused person responding to abuse. i am growing slowly, i am tasting freedom. i am no longer alone and silent.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

what is abuse?

what is abuse? this is a difficult question to ask, let alone answer, within the confines of a patriarchal civilization in which the culture has totally normalized abuse. i am absolutely staggered by the magnitude of abuses which occur within our civilization, not to mention those inflicted by our civilization on other nations and peoples. as i begin to try to recognize the abuse occurring within my own life, i find it nearly impossible to separate said abuse from the systemic abuses that are perpetuated against land, indigenous peoples, animals, and any and all others, human or nonhuman, that are viewed merely as "resources". abuse occurs on both a microcosmic and macro-cosmic level.

the breadth and width of the topic is beyond me. i've been sitting here trying to figure out how to neatly and succinctly write through my experiences while also analyzing the experiences of womonfolk within this culture as a whole... and the weight of it is just exhausting and feels impossible. today is not the day for it. i am supposed to remember to start small.

i started asking my self what abuse was after i informed my former partner that i felt some of his behavior could be labeled or described as abusive. he was defensive and also naturally curious to know specifically what i meant by this, and what gave me the right to call it "abusive". i didn't necessarily know how to respond to that. i remember eventually having long conversations with him in which i tried my best to make clear what i found inappropriate about his behavior, except it was hard - naturally i was frightened of what his response would be, and he was angry and upset at the notion that he (an anarchist and self-identified feminist ally) could be behaving in such a way. i also found my vocabulary totally inadequate... i was struggling to find the right words to frame his behavior and treatment of me in, and why exactly it constituted abuse. not to mention the ludicrous notion that i, in a state of fear and while experiencing abuse, was in any way able to clearly and confidently articulate to the man i felt was abusing me what specifically was inappropriate about his behavior. the conversation was doomed from the start, especially since i was able to consciously observe his attempts to turn my words around or use them against me, as he continued to use an aggressive tone and body language to defend him self, often times interrupting me to make his points. within my self i could bare witness to the dialogue and see his behavior as abusive, even in those moments. he eventually began questioning me on why it was i felt he was abusive, and inferring that my thinking this was largely caused by the input of a female friend of mine who did not like him. essentially he informed me that i was under her influence and her interpretations of his behavior (she lived with us for several months of our relationship), and that i was most likely under the influence of the multiple other womonfolk in my life who also did not like him. typing this i am baffled by the fact that, temporarily, i believed him and bought this manipulative load of bullshit. clearly he was attempting to isolate me and my experience of his abuse from the perception and witnessing of abuse by other womonfolk in our lives. for days i thought about this and wondered if i was too hard on him, too critical, and too easily influenced by womonfolk in my life who pointed out ways in which they did not like how he treated them or my self. i am saddened to say that i doubted my own perceptions, and doubted the input of womonfolk in my life whom i love dearly. i am still in and out of a place of extreme self-doubt - however i am fully recovered from any notion that the womonfolk in my life are negatively influencing me or my opinions, and that it is simply outrageous for me to have even entertained that idea.

i want to be clear that i truly do feel and believe this man loves me a great deal. i do not believe that, within his own mind, he ever thought things along the lines of "how can i manipulate/control her?" however, his intentions do not absolve him of his behavior and the ramifications of his actions are much the same regardless of whether or not he "meant" to hurt me or say or do what he did. his motivations do not make my pain or his mistreatment of me any less real. 

to help combat my self-doubt and confusion over whether or not i was in fact experiencing abuse, i did and am still doing a lot of research online. i found these questions extremely helpful to ask my self, and would recommend them to anyone pondering the same question of whether or not they are in an abusive situation. of the many different questionnaires i looked at, i found this one most simple and to the point, as well as reasonable in its definitions and descriptions. in future posts, i hope to explore my own responses to the questions in an effort to figure things out inside my self, and better define what i feel is abuse and what isn't.

Monday, January 10, 2011

emergence

this is meant to be a practice of the personal being political. this is meant to be a public healing space. this is a recognition that womonfolk everywhere are processing similar experiences under the confines of patriarchy, and it is of the utmost importance that we have some way to process our experiences. it is of the utmost importance that i process my experiences. i am a survivor of patriarchy and its insidious components: rape, assault, abuse. it is difficult to process and heal through one trauma when more keep happening, keep occurring. this is the plight of living as womonfolk in a patriarchal civilization. as we heal, we are still being harmed. i refuse to let this reality break me any more than it already has. i refuse to continue to question my own experiences and my own responses and my own sanity within a civilization that is itself, according to all given definitions, technically insane. i am moving into my own existence on my own terms and yes, there are going to be some changes around here. it has to start somewhere.

tracing trauma back to its roots is nearly impossible for me. i argue being born into this civilization is in itself a traumatic event. i can't seem to separate one trauma from another, despite gentle insistence from well-meaning healers that it is important i do so, in order to heal through each on my own terms. they compound one another, represent one another, are all symptoms of the same problem: patriarchy. my experiences as a survivor of abuse and of assault are in no way unrelated to my experiences as a survivor of institutionalization. i do not exist inside a vacuum.

my latest experience with abuse is intrinsically linked with my first experience of abuse and every subsequent experience and future experience. incidents are not isolated but systemic. when i was younger i hoped that by somehow recognizing this i would be free of any further participation or perpetuation of the cycle - looking back i realize i was at the time naively hopeful, believing that somehow knowledge of the nature and cause of abuse would make me immune to it.

i am still baffled by my own vulnerabilities. i am a long time anarchafeminist and have a scathing analysis of the condition of womonfolks under patriarchy. i am queer identified and discard any notions of heteronormative behavior being in any way ideal. i can spy patriarchal influence in the words i speak, the thoughts i think, the relationships i form. i wrap my self in analysis believing i can catch any abuse before it can catch me. i am not immune, and no womonfolk are... despite pervasive beliefs in radical communities that, as anarchafeminist womonfolk, we must somehow have the depth of perception to never become ensnared in any sort of vicious abusive cycle. naturally the men we involve our selves with have so thoroughly deconstructed the patriarchal influence over their psyches and actions that we have virtually no risk of mistreatment from them. this is the mindset of too many people in radical communities. there is this ludicrous belief that, simply because we have a stern critique of this patriarchal civilization and find ourselves able to call it what it is and recognize what's what, we're supposed to be impervious to any and all of its teachings and trappings. i should have known better, we lament. as feminists with a criticism of this rape culture and a firm idea of what it is and how it is perpetuated, we blame ourselves for somehow not being alert enough, not being aware enough to spot and address abuse when it happens in our own lives. we believe we can protect ourselves. we blame ourselves when we cannot.

i need to unravel my thoughts and feelings around my last relationship, the abuse i experienced in it, and how long it took me to recognize and label such an experience as "abuse". i need to release stories and emotions that exist in my self around my past experiences of victimization at the hands of patriarchy - my experiences of being incarcerated multiple times in a mental institution, surviving abusive relationships, and surviving a violent assault. i witness the womonfolk in my life process childhood abuse, rape, relationship abuse, incest, assaults, incarcerations, batterings, assaults, suicide, murder, and other horrific mistreatment at the hands of patriarchy. i want to make my healing process available to them and all other womonfolk so that we may learn and heal together. i want to make clear that the personal is political, that the political is personal, and that we are intricate creatures worthy of health and well-being.