every womon has the right to define and describe her own experiences of abuse. there are many ways in which experiences of abuse are similar across the board - so similar, in fact, that there are widely recognized classic signs of both an abuser and the abused, as well as countless publications on how abuse most often manifests. in coming to terms with the abuse i've experienced, talking with other survivors and reading the literature available on abuse has helped me immensely... being able to feel less isolated or alone in healing through the abuse and knowing that what i am feeling and going through is considered to be a normal response to surviving abuse helps steady me and gets me through each day.
last week i called the victoria women's transition house society to make an appointment to see a counselor. the womon who answered the phone listened patiently as i described to her my experiences of abuse within my relationship with my former partner, and how i was now feeling and responding. one thing that she said really stuck with me - as i told her that i was having trouble sleeping, that i still missed and loved my former partner but found my self devastated and disgusted by how he treated me, and that some days i felt like an absolute mess, she reassured me that i was a survivor of abuse. that i had made a positive step by getting out of the relationship. and that i was responding rationally to an irrational situation. she went on to explain to me that really, abuse is irrational. abusers treat their victims in ways that make absolutely no sense and behave in contradictory manners (an abuser saying he loves you while simultaneously mistreating you). she said that part of why abuse was hard to come to terms with experiencing was due to the irrational nature of it - abuse survivors are often left wondering, why? why would he do that? why would he say that? how can he treat me this way? searching for a rational reason to describe irrational behavior. she said that survivors, in responding with a mixture of hatred and love, anguish and sadness, compassion and sympathy, are responding rationally to the ways in which they were treated. it is a normal response to abuse to be left questioning ones own sanity, to be ricocheting back and forth between emotions of love and hatred, to have physical symptoms such as insomnia and an upset stomach. this means that we, as survivors, are still human. we have held on to our humanity, and are responding in a rational way - yes, even a healthy way. it is all a part of the healing journey.
in this way, counter-abuse can be described as a rational response to abuse. counter-abuse is the occurrence of a survivor or victim of abuse finally reaching a point at which they no longer submit to their abusers mistreatment, and begin to fight back - literally, if the abuse is physical. if it is verbal, the abused may begin to defend themselves verbally and engage in verbal abuse against their partner (this is what is meant by counter-abuse).
in examining why batterers do what they do (both physical and emotional battering), i have been doing a great deal of reading on how batterers tend to view themselves as victims. they rarely perceive their own behavior as abusive, and are more likely to label their victims and other people in their lives as abusers. i fear this is the case with my former partner. since the beginning of our relationship, i have been privy to hearing all about the people who have victimized him and mistreated him... including his tearful admission of being accused of rape, in which he proceeded to tell me how traumatizing the experience had been for him - he did not touch at all on what the experience was like for the womon or what he had done to be held accountable and address her accusation. he also lamented to me the ways in which he had been mistreated by all of his past lovers, rarely if ever addressing any ways in which he might have mistreated them.
i am beginning to come to terms with my mood swings, loss of appetite, insomnia, depression. i am beginning to recognize these things as rational responses to what i have been through. i am recognizing that instead of lamenting the physical and mental affects the abuse has had on me, i need to celebrate that i am now out of the relationship, and that honestly, from here on in things are only going to get better. i need to be gentle with my self and my body - it takes time to heal, and at least now i am actively on my way.
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