the cycle of abuse

i have been having trouble sleeping lately. my sleep is plagued with bad dreams, and i often wake-up in the middle of the night soaking wet from cold sweats, my heart gripped with fear. i am having trouble eating, my stomach sick with indigestion. i am experiencing the gravity of loss, betrayal, and sadness that is recognizing my former partner as an abuser. i feel i am waking up from a deep and disturbed sleep. i am heartbroken as i process through writing, speaking, and sharing the things that have happened between us, as more and more i see the unhealthy patterns and ways in which i was utterly entrapped. i do not want to feel this way about someone i have loved so deeply for so long. i do not want someone who loves me and has been such a big part of my life for so long to treat me like this. i don't want to admit to my self how long it has been going on and how many times i refused to listen to my own heart, my own intuition, and to the chorus of concerned voices in my life - amazing friends and family who tentatively tried to bring to my attention the inappropriateness of his behavior, the unhealthiness of the relationship.

it is harder to doubt my self now that i am opening up and sharing more. i recognize that one of the scariest acts an abuser can perform is creating self-doubt within the person he is abusing. i did not trust my self or my interpretations of his behavior. in the many dialogues we had in person, on the phone, or via email, i would feel this vague sense of uneasiness, this intuitive belief that something in the way he was talking to me was not right. i often assumed i was being too analytical, too sensitive, or seeing things that were not there... he encouraged me to believe these things about my self, unsurprisingly. it is only now that i am sharing emails with others, discussing openly words he has used with me, and hearing back from people who have witnessed our conversations and interactions, that i am finally beginning to feel the cobwebs of doubt brushed out of my mind and heart... i am getting wholehearted and unanimous support from the people in my life that his behavior is abusive. they are taking me through it, step by step, explaining. and every time a lover or friend or family member says "i am bothered by this..." or "i feel uncomfortable about that..." in reference to something my abuser has said or written to me, my entire body swells with validation and gratitude and a desire to scream out, "YES! me too! for so long! and i have simply felt alone or incorrect or anomalous for feeling what i have felt, and i have remained mostly silent." i cry and cry over how good it is to no longer feel that i am making things up in my mind, or misinterpreting actions. abuse often consists of inflating and breeding self-doubt and lack of self-trust in the abused. i see this clearly now. i have not trusted my self or my experiences. i am so grateful to be able to be moving into a space in which i can feel and do these things... and i am so grateful to the many people in my life who are helping me get there.

one of the original reasons i was first weary to label my former partner's abuse as abuse had to do with the fact that he was often so very nice. he offered me a great deal of positive support at different times, and was a compassionate person to cry to when i needed to vent. in the moments where i was feeling most acutely mistreated, and verging on the ability to label him as abusive, i would think to these times - the tenderness and love he had displayed for me. thinking of these times often held me back from making any decisive changes in our relationship, or even voicing to anyone else in my life that i felt his behavior was abusive. i felt i was daily encountering dr. jekyll and mr. hyde, unsure of how to respond or react to his treatment. i have a much deeper understanding of this phenomenon after doing much reading and research about the cycle of abuse. i found that link offers the best and most moving account of what the cycle of abuse is, and what it does to the abused. i saw my self reflected in it, over and over again.

my abuser is not out of my life. in fact, he is still in my home. we are still in the stages of negotiating the end of our relationship and his leaving. i am trying to be strong and clear on my need for him to leave. it can be hard to be strong and clear when i feel i have been so thoroughly broken by this man, and yet i still have a great deal of love and concern for him. in order to help me be able to clearly express my self and to help me stay focused on what my message is when i do need to dialogue with him, i've created a most helpful and (so far) successful boundary: i will not dialogue with him in person, and i will not dialogue with him while i am alone. if i need to dialogue with him, it is done through the internet. regardless of whether it is instant messaging or email, i have a witness with me - someone to read my words and offer help with my phrasing and self-expression when and if i need it, and also to help alert me to any moments when i am becoming once again too submissive or forgiving. essentially, in this situation the witness acts as my cheerleader, supporting and encouraging me to speak what is in my heart openly. i also have a witness present reading my abusers words with me, offering me their interpretation and feedback as to how it makes them feel and (most often) agreeing with me when i point out a phrase or vocabulary he is using that i feel is abusive. this service has been invaluably healing for me. i no longer feel alone and lost in my own mind, trying to navigate how to interpret his words and doubting my self when i feel hurt and abused by them. unanimously people have been shocked by his treatment of me and have offered support in a way that is so deeply appreciated by me... i am being offered validation and recognition for what i have been dealing with and processing. i am not crazy or overreacting. i am not too critical or judgmental. i am an abused person responding to abuse. i am growing slowly, i am tasting freedom. i am no longer alone and silent.