what is abuse?

what is abuse? this is a difficult question to ask, let alone answer, within the confines of a patriarchal civilization in which the culture has totally normalized abuse. i am absolutely staggered by the magnitude of abuses which occur within our civilization, not to mention those inflicted by our civilization on other nations and peoples. as i begin to try to recognize the abuse occurring within my own life, i find it nearly impossible to separate said abuse from the systemic abuses that are perpetuated against land, indigenous peoples, animals, and any and all others, human or nonhuman, that are viewed merely as "resources". abuse occurs on both a microcosmic and macro-cosmic level.

the breadth and width of the topic is beyond me. i've been sitting here trying to figure out how to neatly and succinctly write through my experiences while also analyzing the experiences of womonfolk within this culture as a whole... and the weight of it is just exhausting and feels impossible. today is not the day for it. i am supposed to remember to start small.

i started asking my self what abuse was after i informed my former partner that i felt some of his behavior could be labeled or described as abusive. he was defensive and also naturally curious to know specifically what i meant by this, and what gave me the right to call it "abusive". i didn't necessarily know how to respond to that. i remember eventually having long conversations with him in which i tried my best to make clear what i found inappropriate about his behavior, except it was hard - naturally i was frightened of what his response would be, and he was angry and upset at the notion that he (an anarchist and self-identified feminist ally) could be behaving in such a way. i also found my vocabulary totally inadequate... i was struggling to find the right words to frame his behavior and treatment of me in, and why exactly it constituted abuse. not to mention the ludicrous notion that i, in a state of fear and while experiencing abuse, was in any way able to clearly and confidently articulate to the man i felt was abusing me what specifically was inappropriate about his behavior. the conversation was doomed from the start, especially since i was able to consciously observe his attempts to turn my words around or use them against me, as he continued to use an aggressive tone and body language to defend him self, often times interrupting me to make his points. within my self i could bare witness to the dialogue and see his behavior as abusive, even in those moments. he eventually began questioning me on why it was i felt he was abusive, and inferring that my thinking this was largely caused by the input of a female friend of mine who did not like him. essentially he informed me that i was under her influence and her interpretations of his behavior (she lived with us for several months of our relationship), and that i was most likely under the influence of the multiple other womonfolk in my life who also did not like him. typing this i am baffled by the fact that, temporarily, i believed him and bought this manipulative load of bullshit. clearly he was attempting to isolate me and my experience of his abuse from the perception and witnessing of abuse by other womonfolk in our lives. for days i thought about this and wondered if i was too hard on him, too critical, and too easily influenced by womonfolk in my life who pointed out ways in which they did not like how he treated them or my self. i am saddened to say that i doubted my own perceptions, and doubted the input of womonfolk in my life whom i love dearly. i am still in and out of a place of extreme self-doubt - however i am fully recovered from any notion that the womonfolk in my life are negatively influencing me or my opinions, and that it is simply outrageous for me to have even entertained that idea.

i want to be clear that i truly do feel and believe this man loves me a great deal. i do not believe that, within his own mind, he ever thought things along the lines of "how can i manipulate/control her?" however, his intentions do not absolve him of his behavior and the ramifications of his actions are much the same regardless of whether or not he "meant" to hurt me or say or do what he did. his motivations do not make my pain or his mistreatment of me any less real. 

to help combat my self-doubt and confusion over whether or not i was in fact experiencing abuse, i did and am still doing a lot of research online. i found these questions extremely helpful to ask my self, and would recommend them to anyone pondering the same question of whether or not they are in an abusive situation. of the many different questionnaires i looked at, i found this one most simple and to the point, as well as reasonable in its definitions and descriptions. in future posts, i hope to explore my own responses to the questions in an effort to figure things out inside my self, and better define what i feel is abuse and what isn't.