warning signs

today the wind is raging outside and i am unsure of what to write, what to work on within my self, what to process through. i am feeling exhausted from the whirlwind of change that has swept through my life the last few weeks; however, i'm also feeling invigorated and rejuvenated by it. i was beginning to feel my self slip away, and beginning to witness this very thing as the months wore on... i am recuperating now. i refuse to fall any farther, so at the very least my journey is a continuing climb upwards from now on.

today i have been reading about warning signs to look for when attempting to deduce if one is in an abusive relationship... i've done a great deal of reading on this topic prior to identifying and labeling my treatment as abusive; however, in the aftermath of ending a relationship that lasted nearly three years and involved a great deal of emotional upheaval and unchecked abuse, it feels so reassuring to read through these lists. to be able to know that the treatment i endured was not okay or appropriate, and that it has been well documented and recognized as being abusive. it's complicated because naturally reading these lists and searching within my self and sharing with others my experiences has been extremely painful - i don't want and never wanted this sort of treatment, and i don't want to recognize someone i put a great deal of trust, love, and energy into as fitting these descriptions of an abuser. i don't like reading these lists and seeing him in every statement. however, i do like no longer feeling as though i was utterly alone in my experiences... as i said, complicated. i don't want any other womonfolk ever to have to endure any sort of mistreatment; the reality is, so many womon endure so many different forms of mistreatment that these treatments have been well documented, labeled, and analyzed. fuck. so here i am, recognizing my self and my former partner in lists, articles, books, and information on abuse and abusers.

Does he do any of these things?

ignore your feelings? disrespect you? ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor? withhold approval, appreciation or affection? give you the silent treatment? walk away without answering you? criticize you, call you names, yell at you? humiliate you privately or in public? roll his eyes when you talk? give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family? make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well? seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get? tell you that you are too sensitive? hurt you especially when you are down? seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you? have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason? present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders? "twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?

say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad? ever left you stranded? seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other? compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure? promise to never do something hurtful again? manipulate you with lies and contradictions? act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors? question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence? interrupt you; hear but not really listen? make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't? use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then? incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame? try to convince you he is "right," while you are "wrong?" frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding? treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel? complain about how badly you treat him? threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out? try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?

i am exhausted and saddened moving through this list and sharing here each point that is relevant to my relationship with my former partner. it's disheartening to review this list and feel the reality of every statement sting me. this is all i have for today.