Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The importance of celebration!

I've been working on another entry which I still plan on posting. However, I realized that I needed to post something very important: On July 11th I was able to celebrate a full six months since officially leaving my abuser! I had not been deliberately keeping track of time passing, though something in me recognized the importance of July 11th. I had to take space for myself to smile, to glow, to feel strong and proud of myself for having made such a big decision... and most importantly, sticking to it.

The sad reality is that many womonfolk trapped in abusive relationships feel unable or incapable of leaving. If they do leave, they often return due to many differing factors, some of which are discussed in this article, Why Do Women Return to Abusive Relationships? Prior to officially leaving my abuser on the 11th of January by telling him I didn't want him in my life anymore, I'd tried multiple times to end our relationship. Every single time, I was persuaded by him out of making this decision. Some of the reasons I stayed are mentioned in the above article: my self-esteem was so damaged from the abuse, I was not confident I could maintain independence from my abuser; I was afraid that family and friends might take his side or disbelieve that he was abusive and therefore not offer me the support I most needed; I felt sorry for my abuser, as he often cried and lamented to me that I was his only real friend and source of support; my abuser would promise to change and work on his problems and treat me better in the future. The article also cites a statistic I have read in many other places, that it takes a womon on average leaving seven times before she is able to do so permanently.

This is why I celebrate. I did it, I finally left him and was able to break free. We need to celebrate these steps we take... Every step, small or large. If you are in an abusive relationship, be proud of yourself and celebrate the fact that you're reading literature about abuse online and beginning to address the problem within yourself. That is a huge first step. If you are out of an abusive relationship, applaud yourself everyday for having the strength and courage to leave. So much joy and celebration are sucked out of our lives due to abuse, and part of reclaiming our lives involves also reclaiming our joy and our right to celebration. I know that every time I felt joyful, excited, or celebratory about something, my abuser seemed to go out of his way to point out things that were wrong and why I ought not to feel as good as I did. It was so draining, and soon joy was muted in myself, knowing that celebrating it would simply lead my abuser to strike it down. I coped by simply not allowing myself to feel joy - that way, there was nothing he could take away from me... Which of course was not true.

I haven't found many, not nearly enough, articles online to help abused womon get back in touch and reclaim their joy. Celebrating each tiny victory is a way of doing this. If you know of any links, I'd love to see them. And I'll leave you with a question, to answer for yourself or to me if you'd like - How do you celebrate your successes? Do you take the time to be proud of yourself for the strong and courageous things you've done?