Reclaiming My Life

It has been awhile since I have shared anything on this Blog. So here I am, wanting to share some personal updates as well as a link.

The first major update is that I have relocated and am now living alone, for the first time in my life. When I first moved out of my parents' home as a teenager, it was directly into a big shambling communal home with a large number of friends. My experiences since then have all been with communal living, except for one brief foray of living with an old partner in a one-bedroom suite together. I have never lived all by myself.

After leaving my abusive partner, I was in immediate need of asserting my space as my own. Putting up literal and figurative walls and fences to keep myself safe as I processed. This was a natural reaction to enduring several years of having all of my boundaries about space being intimately violated by my abusive partner. However, due to the trauma as well as financial limitations, moving wasn't an option. So I kept my bedroom in a lovely home I shared with a few roommates. When the landlord of this house decided he wanted to sell the home and decided to evict us, the opportunity to try a brand new lifestyle showed itself. I started looking into the financial feasibility of getting a bachelor suite. (Those of you who do not reside in the same city as me may not know that living expenses are absolutely ludicrous here!) Well, long story short, it turns out I'm able to financially make it work, and I am now typing this from my very own cozy little home. I am still adjusting to such a drastic change in lifestyles.

The major difference I have noticed, so far, is the feeling of safety I have here. The house I lived in before this was a space I had shared with my abusive partner at one time; I am now living in a location he doesn't even know. He's never been in this space, he's never seen it. There is something extremely refreshing and liberating about that. It is mine in a way nothing ever could be when I was with him. Yes, I kept a separate bedroom when we were partners, but that never seemed to stop him from violating my space. He did not respect my physical autonomy on any level, so my bedroom rarely felt safe except for times when he was out of town. In my new home, my guard is down. I'm able to process on a different level, as there is nothing of his in this space, as well as no intimate memories of him stored in this space. My old house, there were still many memories that I could not hide from. The couch, or the garden - flashbacks could come just from looking at these things. I am experiencing a level of autonomy I forgot I had access to while we were together.

My new home is a tangible and physical representation of an important personal boundary. No abuse has taken place within these walls, and I strive to keep it that way. I have become remarkably attached to my privacy and solitude in this space, and I recognize how these things are being reclaimed by me. Privacy and solitude are not things I had easy access to while living with an abuser.

My next update is that I'm back in school, and am planning on enrolling in a diploma program for the fall semester. This blog has been kept specifically about my experiences of abuse and healing from it, and I want to keep it that way. So what does my entering a diploma program have to do with healing from abuse, you ask? Well, it has a lot to do with it.

When I was with my former partner over the course of two and a half years, it seemed that every other month I was dropping out of something. I cut back my volunteer hours and stopped engaging in hobbies and activities I enjoyed. So much of my time was demanded by him, and even when I was not physically in the presence of my partner, I was so exhausted from the emotional gymnastics that his abuse caused, I had no energy for anyone or anything else.

This summer, I started going to college. Since then,  I've been taking classes and am learning a lot. As I said, I'm going to be entering a diploma program shortly! The truth is that this never could have happened while I was with my abusive partner. I simply didn't have the energy to do it, and I certainly did not have his support.

In an appointment with my naturopath today, she pointed out to me how much I have blossomed since leaving my abuser. It was great to have her mirror back to me the improvements that have occurred in my life, and the ways in which we can both see evidence of my healing. It is rewarding to look back and see how far I've come, especially on "bad" days - days when I am feeling triggered or experiencing flashbacks.

Lastly, I am soon to start attending a program offered at my local Women's Sexual Assault Centre. It is a group program based on healing from abuse, in which I and other womonfolk will be learning healing techniques to help aid us in our journey towards wellness. I've been on the waiting list for this group and I am muchly looking forward to it. I am hoping it will offer some core practices to help, especially on those bad days.

I'm glad to be writing this and reviewing the strength and growth I have experienced, as well as observing how far I have yet to go. Here's hoping you can also reflect on these things, and give yourself credit for how far you have come.

I'll leave you with three important links. First is to a page which outlines the basic facts surrounding emotional abuse as offered by HEAL (Healing Emotionally Abused Lives). I find it succinct and easy to read, with a lot of important descriptions and information of what emotional abuse is. Next is a link to a page about Building Healthy Boundaries, something I touched on earlier in this entry which I am trying to do for myself. Lastly is a page called The Survivor's Handbook offered by Women's Aid. This page has great sections on "Gaining Confidence" and "Moving On", as well as links to many other resources. They're out there, so use them! We're worth it.

Psychological Abuse

Today I wanted to share a link to a great article that discusses psychological abuse: Why Women and Society Miss the Cues of Psychological Abuse. I recommend taking the time to read the whole thing, but I'll add some excerpts of note here.

Instead of being able to name their partner’s behaviours as ‘power and control’ or ‘abuse’, lots of  women can only think of their partner’s actions as ‘puzzling’ in its early stages. Then ‘odd’, ‘weird’, and ‘bizarre’ as it escalates. As power and control is exerted, women become more and more confused, and self doubt causes women to blame themselves and desperately rummage through their own behaviours for clues how to please their partners and make the problem go away.

They may simply feel that what they are experiencing isn’t right, just or fair but will search for answers within themselves and their own psyches. What am I doing wrong that he is angry with me? What’s changed in our relationship that he belittles me? Why can’t I see my friends? Why can’t I use the car?

I still remember the lack of vocabulary I experienced when I needed to talk about what was happening with my abuser. When trying to open up and share with friends, all I could do was describe his behaviour as "weird" and explain how uncomfortable it made me feel, while floundering to find the right words. My previous experiences of abuse had led me to think of abuse as much more direct and physical. Many womonfolk in psychological, emotional, and/or verbally abusive situations experience this inability to clearly name the behaviour that is so damaging to them. This often leads us to question ourselves and our perceptions of our abuser, and assume that the problem is somehow our own.

Psychological abuse is either hidden or is considered less important than physical violence. This could be because of the imminent life-threatening nature of physical violence and the visible bruises and broken bones that some women experience. The media sensationalises physical violence and it’s extremely rare to read of a critical analysis of the perpetrator’s use of non-physical control tactics.

I think a lot of people unfortunately choose not to believe womonfolk who come forward and call out their abusers when their is no "evidence" - ie, bruises or broken bones. This further perpetuates the cycle, as a womon may choose not to call out her abuser out of a fear that she will not be believed, supported, or validated. I know this is part of why I stayed in my partnership for as long as I did... I was afraid that people would not believe me that he was abusive, and that being disbelieved would be more harmful to my psyche than the abuse I was sustaining.

The lack of awareness about psychological abuse causes women to assume they are experiencing “normal” relationship problems. This makes women extremely vulnerable to developing mental or physical illnesses and to experiencing more and more abuse. This is because women often have no knowledge of how the pattern of power and control forms over time.

I think one of the best and most important things we can do, all of us, is learn about these patterns of power and control,  and educate others about them. In this context, knowledge gives us strength, and the ability to name - to stand back and say "That is abusive behaviour, and I will not accept it." Isolation can occur within our own minds when we do not have the words needed to talk about what we are experiencing. Breaking the silence involves learning to name and call-out abuse. If we were all able to do this, think of the countless ways in which we would be able to combat and stop the further perpetuation of (physical and psychological) violence. It would be revolutionary.

Moving Through

I've been thinking lately about what survivors of abuse need in order to heal... Survivors in general, and me in particular. I think it's an important thing to figure out - what sort of support we need, from others as well as from ourselves.

I've experienced a lot of healing through counselling, being able to talk each week about my emotions and my process. A lot of people who have either not experienced abuse or who have not yet healed from abuse may think counselling is a form of "dwelling" on the issue... I was reflecting on this as last week I received an anonymous message encouraging me to "move on" and "stop writing about my abuser and the abuse". It was interesting to reflect on this message, because I am sure some people would see this as sage and reasonable advice... While most counsellors and womonfolk involved in helping heal survivors of abuse would be quick to discourage such mentality. Repression of our experiences, denial of their impact on ourselves and our lives, pushes them deeper down into our unconcious. It is not healing to run away and never think of or reflect upon the abusive experience ever again. It's healing to break the silence, to speak of what happened - to speak the words we have never before spoken, to explore the myriad ways the abuse has impacted our lives, to talk and write and scream it out of ourselves. I've likened it to expelling a demon. So much of what my abuser said and did to me was trapped in my body, festering. I've needed to release all of his actions and words to release myself from their negative impact.

Shortly after officially leaving my abuser, I went to see my naturopathic doctor. I was a mess - sobbing, unable to sleep at night, barely able to leave my house, terrified of both my abuser and the impact of emotionally confronting what he put me through... I sat in a lump of tears in her office and let her know how hard things were. She smiled faintly and said that, though I probably didn't want to hear it, she was really happy to see me in such a state... She said it meant I was processing, fully confronting what I had been through and the emotions it evoked in me, and that I needed to do this in order to heal. She said she would have been most worried about me if I had bounced into the office, all smiles, and brushed off the topic of leaving my abuser - which would have been an act of denial and repression. I've thought many times of that conversation, and it has helped me on days when I feel emotionally messy... I remind myself that the mess is part of the journey, and that I'm processing and healing the most in my messiest moments.

I think there is a big difference between "moving on" and "moving through". When I examine the phrase "move on", I see it as being dismissive and based in denial... When I think of "moving through" I see a dark tunnel with a light at the end... Knowing that I have to go through miles and miles of dark, gritty, possibly terrifying lengths of tunnel in order to get to that bright glowing light can be hard knowledge some days. Mostly though, it helps me recognize that the full exploration of how the abuse impacted me is how I am going to heal through it, move through it, and find peace and forgiveness inside of myself (as opposed to guilt or self-blame). When I look at where I am today, and see the ways I have grown and the positive ways my life has changed, I attribute that largely to my dedication to move through - to the countless hours of counselling, of talking, of reading, of writing... It has been a cathartic process. It is ongoing, and it is a journey I can say that I embark upon joyfully, knowing that I am worth it.

The importance of celebration!

I've been working on another entry which I still plan on posting. However, I realized that I needed to post something very important: On July 11th I was able to celebrate a full six months since officially leaving my abuser! I had not been deliberately keeping track of time passing, though something in me recognized the importance of July 11th. I had to take space for myself to smile, to glow, to feel strong and proud of myself for having made such a big decision... and most importantly, sticking to it.

The sad reality is that many womonfolk trapped in abusive relationships feel unable or incapable of leaving. If they do leave, they often return due to many differing factors, some of which are discussed in this article, Why Do Women Return to Abusive Relationships? Prior to officially leaving my abuser on the 11th of January by telling him I didn't want him in my life anymore, I'd tried multiple times to end our relationship. Every single time, I was persuaded by him out of making this decision. Some of the reasons I stayed are mentioned in the above article: my self-esteem was so damaged from the abuse, I was not confident I could maintain independence from my abuser; I was afraid that family and friends might take his side or disbelieve that he was abusive and therefore not offer me the support I most needed; I felt sorry for my abuser, as he often cried and lamented to me that I was his only real friend and source of support; my abuser would promise to change and work on his problems and treat me better in the future. The article also cites a statistic I have read in many other places, that it takes a womon on average leaving seven times before she is able to do so permanently.

This is why I celebrate. I did it, I finally left him and was able to break free. We need to celebrate these steps we take... Every step, small or large. If you are in an abusive relationship, be proud of yourself and celebrate the fact that you're reading literature about abuse online and beginning to address the problem within yourself. That is a huge first step. If you are out of an abusive relationship, applaud yourself everyday for having the strength and courage to leave. So much joy and celebration are sucked out of our lives due to abuse, and part of reclaiming our lives involves also reclaiming our joy and our right to celebration. I know that every time I felt joyful, excited, or celebratory about something, my abuser seemed to go out of his way to point out things that were wrong and why I ought not to feel as good as I did. It was so draining, and soon joy was muted in myself, knowing that celebrating it would simply lead my abuser to strike it down. I coped by simply not allowing myself to feel joy - that way, there was nothing he could take away from me... Which of course was not true.

I haven't found many, not nearly enough, articles online to help abused womon get back in touch and reclaim their joy. Celebrating each tiny victory is a way of doing this. If you know of any links, I'd love to see them. And I'll leave you with a question, to answer for yourself or to me if you'd like - How do you celebrate your successes? Do you take the time to be proud of yourself for the strong and courageous things you've done?

'Blame the victim' mentality

I have been thinking a great deal lately about the pervasive blame the victim mentality that exists within this culture (and many other cultures, too).  The above link describes this mentality:
                                                                                                                       Victim-blaming attitudes only work to marginalize the victim and make it harder for her to come forward and report the abuse. If she knows that you or society blames her for the abuse, she will not feel safe or comfortable coming forward and talking to you.

Victim-blaming attitudes also reinforce what her abuser has been saying all along; that it is her fault this is happening to her. It is NOT her fault or her responsibility to fix the situation; it is the abuser’s choice. By engaging in victim-blaming attitudes, society allows the abuser to perpetrate violence against his partner while avoiding accountability for his actions.

One of the reasons I have been thinking about this mentality lately is due to its pervasiveness even within so-called feminist or radical communities. This mentality can also be called the "it takes two to tango" mentality, since so many people see abuse as a relationship issue - something that requires full conscious participation and perpetuation by two parties. This mentality is extremely dangerous and further perpetuates the "she deserved it" or "she asked for it" mentality that is held by many when it comes to issues of sexual assault, coercion, or abuse. 

Within activist communities, exploitation and oppression are generally discussed as systemic issues within this civilization. I have heard many anarchists refer to the government and this civilization as abusive - both literally and metaphorically (and I agree with this analysis). In addressing issues of colonization, racism, and sexism as systemic to governmental structures, no anarchist or activist I know would dream of stating or insinuating that colonization, racism, or sexism were somehow caused by Indigenous peoples or people of colour or by womonfolk; no anarchist or activist I know would dream of implying "it takes two to tango" and that within the context of a relationship (as held by the people and the state), both parties were responsible for the abuse that was being perpetuated. It sounds absolutely ludicrous, doesn't it? One clearly has a dominant amount of power over the other. And yet these same activists do not seem to skip a beat in failing to apply this same analysis to interpersonal relationships in which abuse is being perpetuated - a situation in which the abuser has a dominant amount of power over the victim. Time and again, the survivor of the abuse is re-victimized by being told she was somehow a part of the cause of the abuse, and told that if only she had (pick one): behaved differently, acted differently, spoken differently, made different choices, had better boundaries, gotten help sooner, been more personable, been more transparent, stood her ground, been more flexible, been stronger, etc ad nauseum, the abuse would not have occurred. All of a sudden a behaviour that was perpetrated on her and against her without her permission is her fault.

Example of Victim-Blaming Attitude: “There are possibilities for a happy relationship if both parties are willing to change.”

Reality: This statement assumes that the victim is equally to blame for the abuse, when in reality, abuse is a conscious choice made by the abuser. Abusers have a choice in how they react to their partner’s actions. Options beside abuse include: walking away, talking in the moment, respectfully explaining why an action is frustrating, breaking up,  etc.

Additionally, abuse is not about individual actions that incite the abuser to hurt his partner, but rather about the abuser’s feelings of entitlement and desire to control his partner.

When friends and family remain neutral about the abuse and say that both people need to change, they are colluding with and supporting the abusive partner and making it less likely that the survivor will seek support.

[Disclaimer: I feel wary to describe explicit details of the conversation I discuss below, out of a desire to keep from exposing this womon's story without her explicit permission to do so. It's tricky, because I feel the need to speak of my own reactions to the words she shared with me and the affect they've had on me, while I simultaneously recognize her every right to privacy. For that reason, I will be sharing certain specific statements she made, but will change details of a story she shared with me. I will certainly not be using or giving out her name.]

Not long ago I had a conversation with a member of the community that I found distressing. I confronted her after recognizing that she had been ignoring me, as she had gone so far as to turn and walk away when I waved and said hello. In this conversation, she very kindly let me know that, since I had a mental illness, it might alter my perceptions of what I thought was abuse. She defended the behaviour of the man who abused me. Since she had spoken with him and believed what he had shared with her, she felt she had an understanding of what had gone on within the relationship. She told me I had not been transparent enough. I still am unclear as to what that statement means or implies. She shared a personal story with me about her experiences of both receiving and witnessing abuse. My blood ran cold when she described her belief that a womon she had known was using her bruises to gain sympathy. She described the womon as being equally as abusive as the man in the situation, and that when he beat her she would use her bruises to garner sympathy. The phrase "used her bruises" has been ringing in my head ever since.

After this conversation, I discussed what was said with a few close friends and expressed my distress over her perception of abuse. I felt totally bewildered and unable to understand why she believed that a womon brave enough to expose the bruises of her beatings, and to seek out help through this exposure, would be thought to be using the very real physical evidence of abuse. This conversation really brought home to me the fact that there is no 'right' way for an abused womon to behave. Whatever her response to the abuse is, it will be criticized. For example, if she speaks up and out about the abuse, she will be accused of gossiping or making "too big of a deal" out of a situation, or "trying to get sympathy". If she does not speak out at all, she will be accused of not actually having been abused, or told that "it couldn't have been that bad", or accused of being too weak or too passive. If she attempts to hold her abuser accountable, she will be called aggressive or angry or a man-hater. If she accepts her abusers treatment and defers to him publicly despite the abuse, she will be accused of encouraging it or not being assertive enough. On and on and on. The survivor is condemned simply for being abused, regardless of her chosen path of coping.

So why do people blame the victim of abuse? One reason I find compelling and believable is described at the above-mentioned link:

One reason people blame a victim is to distance themselves from an unpleasant occurrence and thereby confirm their own invulnerability to the risk. By labeling or accusing the victim, others can see her as different from themselves.  People reassure themselves by thinking, "Because I am not like her, because I do not do that, this would never happen to me."

I believe this is an issue that I have seen played out amidst womonfolk in particular. I have been a believer of it at one point too, though I am ashamed to admit it. All too often, if  a womon comes forward about a man that has abused her, many times I think as womonfolk in a patriarchal culture, we attempt to feel less vulnerable by entertaining beliefs such as: believing that we would never let that happen to us; believing that even if it is the same man that was abusive, it was to other womon, and he could never possibly do that to me; believing that since he is so nice and sensitive and kind, she must have been truly horrendous to him in order to cause him to treat her that way. In a sense, these beliefs can keep us feeling safe or insulated, and we can continue to believe that bad things only happen to bad people, and if we are good people bad things will not happen to us. I'm not trying to say we all consciously think this - I believe it is an extremely automatic and unconscious belief system that we would be hard-pressed to admit even to believing in.

Another good link, though brief, on this topic can be found on the Sanctuary for the Abused website. I'm going to finish this entry with a quote from the link:

WOMEN ARE NOT GUILTY FOR VIOLENCE & ABUSE COMMITTED BY MEN ON OUR BODY, IN OUR MIND, AND SPIRIT. THIS VIOLENCE HAPPENS BECAUSE OF MEN'S GREATER POWER AND THEIR MISUSE OF THAT POWER.

Co-Creating Community

This weekend my Mom and I took a mini-vacation and went to a small neighbouring island, where we mostly ate and walked and read and drank tea. It was a break we both needed. Over supper one night, my Mom and I got onto the topic of anarchist activism in Greece, and she brought up her poor opinion of anarchism. She admitted that this opinion was based on behaviour of my former partner, who was an outspoken self-identified anarchist. She said she associated anarchism with my former partner's behaviour, which she described as aggressive, self-serving, self-centered, and assumptive. This was something she feared all anarchists were, and that this behaviour was somehow wrapped up in the politics. I explained to her how I felt my former partner's behaviour could in no way be described as "anarchist" - how the behaviour itself was the antithesis to what anarchism purports to be struggling for (inclusion, freedom, cooperation, patience, solidarity, etc). I introduced the term manarchist to her and explained that many womonfolk in the community used that term to describe my former partner and men like him - men that refer to themselves as anarchist, though seem to have missed the point of anarchism entirely as these men further perpetuate hetero-patriarchal norms and continuously take advantage of womonfolk.

The conversation got me to thinking about my own reasons for identifying as an anarchist. My thoughts and emotions on anarchism and the anarchist community as a whole have shifted since coming out as a survivor of abuse and since calling out my former partner on being an abuser. The truth is that the sharp inadequacies of the community in dealing with issues of sexual predation, abuse, and assault have always been obvious to me - however, personally experiencing it has brought the issue into a sharper focus. In talking about my experiences with friends and acquaintances, an absolutely alarming number of womonfolk I've spoken with admit they do not go to many anarchist events or meetings because a man that abused/assaulted/harassed them goes, or that they do not feel safe due to the amount of space the men take at such events/meetings. I've spoken with womonfolk who have dropped out of the larger anarchist community entirely after leaving abusers who are in the community. I have spoken with womonfolk who have been raped, abused, assaulted, harassed, and/or threatened by men who are still active participants (and in some cases organizers) within the anarchist community. I spoke with a friend who used to table at the local anarchist book fair who said she was not going to anymore, as she did not consider it a "safe space for wimmin of colour." I know a number of people who are boycotting this years local anarchist book fair (myself included) as two of the event's organizers are noted sexual predators that multiple womonfolk have spoken out against. These men continue to participate and dominate the anarchist community because no one is stopping them or addressing their inappropriate behaviour. Time and time again, it is the victim of the violence that has to change her life - who has to separate herself from a community that has all of a sudden become less safe and less supportive. Time and time again, it is the victim of the violence who is forced to be the one to take a stand, to make herself even more vulnerable, if she wants to attempt to address or change the behaviour of these men.

I realize that what I am experiencing is not a lessening of faith in anarchism, but in anarchists. What I see happening in my community (and hear about happening in other communities) is the continual punishment of the victim by inferring she is making too big of a deal of the situation; she is dividing the community; she is drawing focus away from broader anarchist goals; she is (and even though it shouldn't surprise me, I'm shocked every time I hear a variation on this theme) "crazy". This is, of course, absolute bullshit. Though my believing - my knowing - that this is bullshit does not make the community any safer for any other womonfolk if I do not speak up.

I have been speaking, scheming, and fantasizing at length with womon friends about what a truly anarchafeminist community would look like. It seems we have reached a point where we are no longer interested in trying to educate and reform the current anarchist community, and are instead interested in creating our own community - co-creating it from the roots on up. This inspires and strengthens me.

So I pose these questions to you, either to answer for your own self or to share the answers with me or others: What would an anarchafeminist community look like to you? How would it differ from what we see in anarchist communities?

Emotional vulnerability

When I first started this blog, I remember talking to supportive folks in my life about how desperately I was yearning to be heard. I had spent so much time remaining silent on the topic of my abuse, and denying it as a reality, that the only times I did begin to explore my emotions around it was in the safe and contained space of my journal. Writing in my journal was a way of exploring some of the realities I found too painful to speak of out loud or share with others. Eventually, writing in my journal became a mandatory practice for me as it was a place in which I was safe, a space in which my abuser could not get to me. After some time of writing about my experiences with him, and in turn reading through months of writing about the abuse, I was able to move out of my journal and start having conversations with people in my life about it. My journal started to feel confining and frustrating to write in - there all of the abuse was, and my emotions and responses to it, laid out on a page which was tucked neatly into a book with a cover that closed. Tucked neatly into my bedside table, where no one could read it or see my pain. Writing in my journal started to feel like it was an act of hiding - no one could hear or see my pain because I chose to close the page on it, put it away, and keep it inaccessible to others. Starting a blog was my antidote to that sensation. I had desire to begin screaming my experiences as loud as I possibly could, because while being so neatly contained they were not being adequately worked out of my system. They seemed to simply build up and spill over the pages and simmer in myself, with no place to go.

This blog has been a safe space for me to feel heard, and to feel that I am doing something towards changing my life and progressing down my path of healing. Not long ago it started to feel less safe for me. The act of blogging about my experiences online went from feeling like an act of empowerment to feeling like too risky or vulnerable an act. I now see it as both - an empowering act that still holds risks and an element of vulnerability to it. Vulnerability is something I have been struggling with a great deal as of late. Sharing vulnerability, or feeling vulnerable in any context, is a triggering experience and I respond with profound fear of being taken advantage of. Even feeling vulnerable when I am alone is scary for me. As I explore this, I realize my body does not yet know that it is safe to feel vulnerable again. Vulnerability with my abuser was a dangerous and painful act that often resulted in negative consequences for me.

I want to work on experiencing healthy doses of vulnerability - experiencing it as just another emotion in the vast repertoire of emotions available to me, and not as an inherently negative or dangerous thing. I had to take a break from blogging to revisit what it was to feel safe and contained in my journal writing; I'm returning to my blog to revisit what it is to take risks and share vulnerability as an act of empowerment. I'm wanting to work on balancing these things, and appreciating them for what they are.

I'm going to end this entry with a quote from an author that I loved as a child:

"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable." -Madeleine L'Engle

behind closed doors

i am still finding comfort in reading all that i can on the topic of abuse. i see myself and my experiences as a survivor reflected in the stories i read and it can bring me comfort and clarity. i read and re-read, letting the information sink in and ground me, offer me reassurance and validation.

in the introduction to the book the verbally abusive relationship, three significant facts are shared right from the beginning:

1. generally, in a verbally abusive relationship the abuser denies the abuse.


2. verbal abuse most often takes place behind closed doors.


3. physical abuse is always preceded by verbal abuse.


today i want to address these facts and my experiences of them.

1. one of the things i am beginning to gain an understanding of that initially i found most devastating was the fact that my former partner denied being abusive. there were moments in which he would acknowledge or admit that he may have behaved in an abusive way, and even moments when he would state adamantly that he was 'working on it'. however, he primarily hid behind the idea that he was not abusive, and accused me of being abusive to him or causing him to treat me the way he did. this was painful for me to hear and, sadly enough, something i believed… i believed over and over again that he was being honest when he told me he was 'working on it' (whatever that meant). i believed that maybe i was treating him in such a way that made him abuse me, and that i was somehow the cause of his behaviour - that if i only treated him better, he would stop being abusive. because of this, i tried so hard to better myself, to make him stop abusing me. i figured i could change his behaviour by changing my own. i started looking into non-violent communication and, as i am in the field of communications at school, started pouring over my notes and material to see if there were ways it could help inform my relationship. i tried everything that i could - listening, being empathetic, attempting not to "over-react" or take things "the wrong way" as he said i did. as i was trying, i was working under the assumption that he was trying too - that we were both working towards the same goal: a healthy and mutually harmonious relationship. the more i tried, the more i searched for new things to try, because nothing was working… i was not being treated any better by my partner and i was wearing my self thin believing that i could make him treat me better. i was literally making my self sick.

through my reading, i have been recognizing the fact that there was absolutely nothing i could do to make my partner stop abusing me. it does not matter if i was the best and most compassionate and attentive partner in the world; it does not matter if i was overbearing or difficult or immature; it does not matter because an abuser is not motivated by rationality. the abuse was irrational. i was operating on the assumption that it was rational - that he was mistreating me because i had done something wrong, had upset him, or otherwise deserved to be mistreated as a rational response to something i had said or done. i believed that if i could only change my behaviour, my former partner would accordingly change his. i have to accept the fact that this was absolutely impossible. it is hard to let go of this.

in my former partner's reality, he was not being abusive. he was simply acting out the way he has been trained to treat womonfolk. when he and i first began our relationship, he was in the process of ending a relationship with his former partner. he seemed genuinely remorseful of the loss of their relationship, and spent many hours crying and lamenting to me about how hard and sad it was to let go of her, and telling me stories about the various ways in which she had mistreated him, and how hard he tried to support her and be a good partner. i fell for it completely, believing and encouraging his belief that he had been the victim of abuse in his relationship with her. she was moving through a lot of hurt and pain herself, and had expressed that she felt she had been abused by him. i am deeply ashamed to say that i did not pay attention to this statement on her part, and instead let my former partner, who was at this time simply my charismatic new lover with a sob story, dictate my opinions of her and of the relationship he held with her. i developed a strong disliking for her and encouraged my former partner to break free of the abuse. i am now quite sure that any "abuse" he may have experienced from her was most likely counter-abuse - her need to act out and defend herself from her abuser by adapting some of his own abusive tricks to use against him. in my former partner's reality, he was the victim - he was not the abuser.

2. the majority of the abuse i sustained from my former partner happened when absolutely no one else was around. this made it extremely difficult for me to label what had happened as abuse - i had no perspective but my own, which i had learned to doubt and second-guess through my former partner's own disregard for my perspectives. towards the end of our relationship, i began to recognize how disorienting and triggering it was for me to be alone with him, and began suggesting having discussions with a third party present to witness. it does not surprise me that he did not like this idea, did not understand why i found it desirable, and did not agree to it but once (in my recollection). i began to avoid being alone with him for two reasons - firstly, he treated me better when we were around others; and secondly, i was able to gauge my responses to him based on how others were responding to him. i still remember the first time an old roommate witnessed an act of verbal abuse as it was occurring, and attempted to address my former partner and tried to get him to use more appropriate language… i was so relieved i started crying. i needed someone to see it and address it, so that i was not alone in my own perceptions that it was abuse.

i am extremely grateful that my former partner and i always lived with others in communal settings, because most of our roommates did witness the abuse from time to time and did attempt to address it, primarily by bringing it up with me. sadly i often excused my former partner's behaviour, or admitted that it was inappropriate but that i did not know what to do about it, as i felt ending the relationship or leaving him were out of the question at that point. i was not yet ready.

3. i never had fear of physical violence from my partner in the form of hitting, beating, or other assaults. my fears were of the sexual harassment and disrespect of my physical boundaries - touching me at inappropriate times and in inappropriate places and trying to make it a joke if i responded with discomfort or displeasure. the sexual abuse primarily happened behind a closed door, and was not witnessed by others, which is why i think it took me so long to realize that what was happening was sexual abuse. now, with perspective and space enough to talk about and honour my experiences, i have no doubt that the sexual abuse was absolutely inappropriate and that i did not deserve it. i was not obligated to have sex with my former partner in order to keep him from crying or being angry with me - which is behaviour i learned. sometimes during our sex i would leave my body completely in order to keep myself safe, and would time to time even cry. i don't know if my former partner didn't notice or didn't care.

i don't know if i was ever at risk of being hit by my former partner. i don't think i was. however, i can never be sure. i feel blessed that i did not have to endure any physical abuse of this sort, and blessed that i was able to recognize the abuse for what it was when i did - i know that many womonfolk can be stuck in abusive relationships for years, even decades, before they are able to finally escape.

what it comes down to though is that no abuse is appropriate - whether emotional, verbal, sexual, physical, financial, psychological, etc… and no one deserves to be abused. this can be hard to let sink in, as often there is a small voice inside of myself that whispers "maybe it was your fault. maybe you did deserve it," and it is a matter of learning to reassure that voice that no, it was not my fault. and no, i did not deserve it.

being a survivor

first and foremost, i am a survivor. being a survivor has become my life, as not too long ago being a victim had been my life - consumed it entirely. pieces are beginning to come back, slow and stilted. my life is recovery now. every waking moment i struggle with this recovery, with regaining my health and well-being, with banishing self-doubt. i am reading, listening, talking, stretching and growing. i am coming to new realizations about the nature of the abuse i endured almost daily - remembering small pieces, feeling the rage, feeling the sadness. separating my identity from the identity of my abuser. i am separate. i am learning more about my own process as it relates to the process of all womonfolk everywhere who have suffered abuse and have put the necessary energy and time into recovery. i am learning about what goes on in the hearts and minds of abusers. this information comforts me, offers validation and support. everyday i wake up and do deep breathing exercises to remind my self that my body is my own, that my abuser is gone, that i can reclaim my life and my space. i take deep breaths to remove myself from the panic mode i had been living in for so long - afraid of my former partner's anger, irrationality, judgment, mood swings, abuse. i am trying to reprogram my body into understanding that i am now safe. i am not currently at risk of daily verbal and sexual abuse. i can breathe deeper now, i can sleep deeper. this is what i am trying to tell my body as it rages against the change. i am still struggling with being able to relax, to sleep, to let my guard down and feel safe. my days are full of ups and downs, appointments with counsellors, reading, trying to engage in deep self-care. trying to make sense of this situation. helping me make sense of it is the reality that abuse is irrational - no sense can be made of it. i have been reading about the different realities that abusers live in… within their realities, they are not abusers, they are victims of abuse. they do not see their own actions as abuse and instead blame those they abuse as being the perpetrators. abusers commit acts of abuse in the process of denying that they are abusive. it is all absurd and surreal to me. this is a reality that makes no sense, based on self-deception and the shirking of accountability. i don't understand. i do understand. i think of how well i had managed to deceive my own self and the people in my life into believing i had a regular functioning relationship. i had to deceive my self and others in my life to preserve my own sanity… or so it felt at the time. i suppose we all have to face the truth sooner or later.

i have been absent from this blog lately because my healing journey turned into a deep and intensely personal process for a little while. i have a feeling i will be moving between that need to have my self to my self, and the need to share and be heard. everyday is different than the day before. i feel i have experienced every emotion imaginable to every degree imaginable. i am filled with profound respect for all of the womonfolk who have walked this path of recovery - it is not easy and it is not fun. it is, however, necessary. and it is a gift to my self, because i deserve wellness and freedom from abuse.

i don't know what else to share in this moment. thank you so much to all those of you who read this blog and offer me support and compassion - it truly means the world to me.

haikus

I.

my self
in pieces

he
picks through
the shards,
searching -

still dissatisfied.

II.

subtle violence

is compiled
over
time.

i am
licking
wounds.

III.

my voice
is stifled.

i want to scream
but only

a gasp
can suffice.

verbal abuse

a friend recommended a book to me that i got out of the library yesterday and started reading last night. it's called the verbally abusive relationship: how to recognize it and how to respond and is by patricia evans. i have only read the first four chapters; however, i've already found it to be an invaluable resource for my self. the sense of validation i feel as i read through it, the waves of emotions i ride as i see my relationship so accurately described, is most certainly positively impacting my healing. 

one thing i appreciate about this book is that it immediately clarifies what is meant by verbal abuse and defines some of the vocabulary used in describing abuse. as i discussed in my last blog post, this is an issue of great importance to me. my concept of verbal abuse has always been that the abuser yells, shouts, or uses name calling to intimidate the victim. this is, most certainly, a form of verbal abuse - it is absolutely not the only form though. the book details how difficult it can be to recognize verbal abuse because of its many insidious forms. it gives these four primary reasons as to why verbal abuse can be so very difficult to recognize: 

1. Mostly, verbal abuse is secretive. Usually only the partner of the abuser hears it.

2. Verbal abuse becomes more intense over time. The partner becomes used to and adapted to it.

3. Verbal abuse takes many forms and disguises.

4. Verbal abuse consistently discounts the partner's perception of the abuse.

all of these things ring very true for me and my experiences of abuse. a lot of what i have read so far deals with explaining how often times, the abuser and the partner of the abuser are living in different realities. this is often why the abuser does not perceive himself as abusive - in his reality, his behaviour is appropriate and reasonable. meanwhile, in reality, his treatment is abusive. his reality prevents him from being able to accept, admit, or acknowledge this, and to then subsequently seek help. this is the reason given for why so few men readily admit to being verbally abusive and why so few independently seek treatment or help for it.

one of the most useful phrases i have found in the book so far is the term called "crazymaking", which is a word first used in another book by other authors about abuse. here is what is said about this word and this phenomena in the book:

Covert verbal abuse is subversive because of its indirect quality. It is a covert attack or coercion. This kind of abuse has been described as "crazymaking". It is "a form of interpersonal interaction that results from the repression of intense aggression and which seriously impairs its victim's capacity to recognize and deal with the interpersonal reality."

and:

All verbal abuse is dominating and controlling. Verbal abuse used to control the partner without the partner's knowledge is called "crazymaking". 

Crazymaking is described as a large reason why so many womonfolk have such great difficulty in being able to recognize abuse, and why it is so hard for womonfolk to leave abusive relationships. The book goes on to list 17 symptoms of crazymaking as experienced by the victim of the abuse. a few of them are:

Feeling temporarily thrown off balance and momentarily unable to right oneself.

Feeling lost, not knowing where to turn, searching aimlessly.

Receiving double messages but somehow unable or fearful to ask for clarification, or asking for clarification but not getting it.

Feeling totally unprepared for a broken promise or unfulfilled expectation.

A strong wish to get away, yet feeling unable to move, as if frozen.

Feeling that one's subjective world has become chaotic.

these are all things i resonate with in my own crazymaking experience. what has been most notable to me is how all of these experiences have drastically decreased if not entirely evaporated now that my former partner is no longer in my life. the sensation of being off balance, of feeling lost, of perceiving my world as chaotic - these sensations have been gradually melting every day that passes. the longer i am away from the abuse, the more clear my mind becomes. it is truly astonishing in some ways... especially since, initially, i experienced such levels of self-doubt when it came to my own perceptions of the abuse. now i feel the space and time away has helped me quite literally detoxify from the toxic environment i was in. i am seeing everything more clearly and feeling more fully my self.

for so long i had been searching for the source of my instability. the last year of my life has been full of emotional turmoil, depression, and anxiety. i was desperately searching for the cause of this while conveniently avoiding looking at my partnership as a potential issue... i was not ready or willing to admit to the abuse. i was so deep in denial that i needed to find some other reason for my emotional state; any other reason. i explored the idea that i was still entrenched in deep grief, as a beloved friend had been murdered in 2009, and i subsequently started grief counselling; i explored the idea that i had been triggered into recalling my experiences of assault and rape and had not sufficiently healed from those experiences; i explored the idea that my medication dosages were too low or incorrect; i explored the idea that i was not getting enough counselling or mental health support; i explored the idea that i was not eating well or exercising enough... i exhausted my self searching for a reason, any reason, for why i was feeling so sincerely fucked-up. nothing i looked into offered up any clues or help. it was only when i finally hit that point where i simply broke - where a deep part of me so long ignored and buried and hidden came roaring to my surface - it was only then that everything began to shift. i demanded my abuser leave my house. i informed him that i would not have any form of communication with him for a minimum of six months. it is true that every day is full of emotional ups and downs, and that i have a great deal of healing yet to do - however the change in my own mental health and sense of self is immediate and startling. i am already watching my self transform into a happier and healthier person. freedom from abuse has caused me to experience my body differently, the way i breathe and move around my home. it is these improvements i focus on in the hard moments: these concrete physical improvements help me move through and process the emotional and mental trauma. slowly, i am becoming my whole self once again. slowly i am breaking free.

defining the vocabulary of abuse

i have been thinking a lot lately about the vocabulary used to describe abuse. in reading up on emotional and psychological abuse, there were many questionnaires i came across that were created to better help womonfolk be able to identify an abusive relationship or situation. first of all, if a womon has found herself even asking or pondering the question, am i abused? something is clearly wrong. second of all, though most of these questionnaires are invaluably helpful (they have certainly helped me), they tend to stick to broad generalizations and the usage of terms that have not clearly been defined. for example, asking the question does he threaten you? was a question i found problematic, because i got hung up on the term "threatened". my former partner never said do ___ or else i'll _____. because of this, it took me some time and reflection to recognize that my partner did indeed threaten me, and regularly - it was just that his choice of vocabulary to make threats was not as direct. i recall having one conversation with him in which he said that, if our relationship were to ever end, he would move back out east and quite likely never see me again. this was during an emotional conversation in which we were discussing changes to our relationship. he told me that the only reason he lived in this city was because of our relationship, and that if the relationship ended he would leave. saying it the way he did, with the emotional charge and aggression behind it, this was absolutely a threat. because he did not say it in explicit and obviously threatening words, i did not recognize it as a threat until i had sat with his words, uncomfortable and turning them over in my mind, for days. i finally recognized that i was feeling the force of his threat - that if we ended our relationship, which i had been considering doing, i would never see him again. i desperately did not want that, so naturally i did not end our relationship at that time. this kind of a threat - subtle, emotional, aggressive - happened all throughout our relationship.

this is just one example of vocabulary affecting my ability to recognize abuse. other words or phrases such as name-calling, manipulation, control, demands, forced sexual contact, verbal abuse, guilt trips, etc have been difficult for me as i put a great deal of weight into the definition of the word and what is meant by it. for example, i did not recognize the relationship i had with my former partner was sexually abusive until i began to read more about the many different forms and kinds of sexual abuse. i perceived the phrase forced sexual contact as his pinning me down or physically using force to keep me from moving; that was just my interpretation of the phrase at the time. in reality, forced sexual contact can be any kind of touching or groping of a person in which they are not consenting and are unable to remove themselves from the situation (which absolutely happened multiple times with my former partner). there are many words or phrases that, early on in my journey to explore the possibility that i was in an abusive relationship, i would dismiss - no, he never called me a bitch; no, he never told me i wasn't allowed to leave the house. however, simply because he never called me a bitch did not mean that there was not verbal abuse - his constant suggestions that i was having a psychotic episode or an anxiety attack, as said to me and to others, constitutes a form of verbal abuse. simply because he never told me i was not allowed to leave the house does not mean he was not attempting to control my behaviour - as i have said in previous entries, he pushed and demanded a great deal of my time to be spent with him and around him, making it difficult for me to do things independently. he used crying, shouting, threats, withholding intimacy, and manipulation to enact these forms of control.

another reason that the vocabulary used when describing abuse is problematic has to do with the perception of abusers. there are abusers who try to be accountable for their actions, either voluntarily or due to pushing from others or a court order. when looking at resources for abusers online, a lot of the similar questions are asked, such as do you ever threaten her? again it depends on how one interprets the term "threaten" - the abuser reading may say to himself that no, of course he does not make threats, because he never says things like do _____ or else i'll _____. that direct vocabulary is the only thing he is able to perceive as a threat; and since that is not the kind of threat he makes (as is very common in the situations of emotional abuse - emotional abusers are often very charismatic individuals) the abuser is able to dismiss the issue and ameliorate himself. i'm not abusive because i do not make threats. meanwhile the threats he has made go entirely unidentified and unaddressed, he is further able to remain in denial about being abusive, and the victim continues to doubt herself and her perceptions of the abuse.

i fear this is the case with my former partner. at a time when i felt he was more receptive, he spent time reading through links i had sent him for abusers... these once again involved lists of questions or descriptions of personality characteristics of abusers, and asked the person reading them to honestly reflect upon what was written. when later chatting with him about this, my former partner chose to latch onto the things on these lists he did not do, as opposed to being able to recognize and be accountable for the things he did do. for example, he informed me that he did not pull my hair, as pulling hair was listed as an abusive behaviour. he never pulled my hair, no. that, however, was not the point - the point was all of the other many things on the list that he did do, none of which did he mention or address. i also fear he is choosing not to recognize his abusive behaviour because of the vocabulary used around the issue and his own personal definitions of the words used to describe abuse and abusers. i fear this is the case for the majority of abusers out there.

i don't have any suggestions or solutions on how to address these issues. a lot of the information out there is helpful specifically because it is broad and general, and many womonfolk are able to see themselves and their abusive relationships clearly described and are able to then seek help. generalities exist because of how common the experiences of abuse are, and how systematic and predictable the cycle of abuse is.

what helped me was isolating each word in the questionnaires and trying to define it for my self. actually looking up words in the dictionary can be helpful in getting a literal point at which to leap from in exploring how one defines a word for themselves. sitting and reflecting on interactions that i had with my former partner which left me feeling mistreated, and then trying to label and recognize specifically what made me think and feel i was being mistreated, helped me target the kinds of abuse i was experiencing. once i started doing this and discussing the treatment i received with others to get help with defining and describing the abuse, everything began to stand out more clearly and be less subtle to me - it was like unravelling a ball of yarn. it helped immensely to just tell a friend the story of an incident or conversation with my former partner (in some cases getting them to read emails) without my adding any qualifiers and judgments, and then getting their feedback... not to mention hearing my self speak the experience aloud; hearing in my own words the description of the experience, i have had so many ah-ha! moments where the abuse suddenly becomes undeniably obvious to my self and to whomever i'm speaking with. just saying it all aloud is immensely liberating and therapeutic in and of itself.

i want to share an absolutely excellent link that describes types of emotional abuse in a more thorough and definitive manner. it is not perfect, but i do think it offers a lot of clarity on what is meant by emotional abuse and further explains emotionally abusive behaviours. reviewing this list, i feel a sense of strength and empowerment flow through me, as i recognize my former partner in the words. i am able to take a moment and be proud of my self for finally recognizing it and leaving and not having to put up with the abuse any longer. it is never easy, but it is always worth it. i am worth it. you are worth it. we all are.

the healing journey

some nights i do not want to sleep because i do not want to have nightmares. some nights i stretch and move and find it glorious to have my entire bed to my self - something that did not happen often when i was with my former partner. some nights i keep my self awake to keep from the memories, thoughts, and emotions that invariably creep into my consciousness as i lay in bed waiting for sleep.

lately it has been hard for me to settle on a topic for a blog entry, hard to share the emotions that i am processing and coping with. i have decided to create a gentle goal for my self, inspired partially by my roommate... i want to update this blog everyday, even if it is just a sentence. my motivation in creating this blog was twofold: i wanted and needed a space that was public to share my pain and my experiences, i needed to be heard and listened to and respected and supported, i needed a space specifically created to explore what i am currently going through and healing from, i wanted to be able to write my way through this journey. the second part is the desire to inform other womonfolk of what resources are out there - to offer links, ideas, feedback, suggestions, support, to create community to hold one another up through the onslaught of patriarchal conditioning, to be witnessed and bare witness, to refuse to be silent and encourage other womonfolk to speak up as well. i want to always keep in mind my purposes and motivations for creating this blog and continuing to write in it.

my intention is to heal. my motivation is to inform. i want to keep sharing my story to help my own self first and foremost, and to help the womonfolk in my community and all womonfolk everywhere. we need to talk about these issues, we need to talk about them more actively and openly and honestly. i am still reeling with the recognitions and realizations that have come most especially since i have begun really opening up and sharing stories of what i have experienced. in order to recognize that i was indeed being abused, i needed to be honest about what was going on with my former partner and how it was making me feel. for a long time i kept so much pain to my self and made so many excuses as to why i did not reach out and tell others about the abuse. i am done with excuses, i am done with any desire to protect my former partner from public opinion. i am devastated that i kept my self silent for so long.

everyday i learn to speak up, to share more, to reach out, to be honest in my process, my emotions, my experiences, the things that happened between my former partner and my self. this process is not always easy or pretty or fun. often it is painful and frightening, and i am still struggling with what my own boundaries are with others as i recover from abuse. it is not an easy time. however, and this is the most important thing: this is my healing journey and things are only going to get better from here on in. my former partner is out of my life and therefore so is the abuse. i can now focus on my healing and joyfully watch my progress as the days pass. as scary and overwhelming and painful as the journey is, it can never be said that it isn't at least exciting, too.

compounding matters

yesterday and today i have been shuttling my self back and forth between multiple appointments with different doctors, getting a chest x-ray (due to coughing and blood in my phlegm), and trying to address both my physical and mental responses to the current level of stress in my life, and the impacts of abuse on my self - as well as the impacts of leaving an abusive situation. the two doctors i have seen have offered me a great deal of reassurance that any kind of abuse, whether physical or not, would absolutely create a physical response in my body. as of late this has manifested itself as insomnia and stomach-upset for me, as well as ongoing issues with my throat. i can see the insomnia and digestive upsets as having a lot to do directly with grief, anger, and sadness... the anxiety of recognizing abuse, leaving abuse, and trying to rebuild my life. to the sore throat, coughing, and phlegm i have attributed a more metaphysical cause...

the throat chakra is all about being heard and speaking ones truth. i feel that my former partner rarely heard what i was saying, though he often listened. towards the last few months of our relationship i was feeling extremely unheard by him on many topics, and i witnessed an itchy rash spread out all over my neck and that is when the coughing and sore throat started. for three years i stayed silent on many of the ways my former partner treated me and the secrets he requested i keep... that cannot have been good for my throat chakra. now i feel i am finally releasing his secrets, speaking of my experiences, and no longer engaging in unfruitful dialogues with him at all. i am speaking honestly and openly and no longer hiding problems or holding things back. i am reclaiming my throat chakra and it is going through a lot. this is one way i'm looking at this physical problem... a physical expression of my need to be heard and speak my truths.

the fact that i am already coping with physical and mental health issues that have nothing to do with the abuse only compound matters. i am legally recognized as a 'person with a disability' (or pwd) and receive financial assistance for this reason. i am on a number of pharmacological and natural medications and vitamins, and see both a naturopathic and allopathic doctor regularly. my health ebbs and flows and is dramatically impacted by stress.

to help me gain perspective on my situation of being a disabled person coping with abuse, i found this article on emotional abuse of women with disabilities extremely helpful, especially since it spoke to some of my specific experiences. this article lists seven myths that impact women with disabilities, and can further contribute and compound our experiences of emotional abuse. i want to mention and explore a few of the myths that i feel have impacted my relationship with my former partner.

A woman with a disability is not able to give or participate equally in an intimate relationship.  Often the disability gets used as the basis for the inequity in the relationship.

this myth permeated the entirety of my relationship with my former partner. though i am sure he would be loathe to make a statement like the one above, his behavior and treatment of me spoke much louder than any of his words could. every single time i expressed anger or sadness or rage or sorrow at something my partner said or did, he would bring up the fact that i was dangerously gifted, that i was possibly responding the way i was because of anxiety, that i might not have eaten properly that day, that i might have forgotten to take my medication. almost every single time he did this, i would believe him - i would question my response and call it an 'anxiety attack', question what or when i had eaten, question whether or not i had taken my medication. most of these engages ended with me apologizing to him for my response, and thanking him for being willing to be in a relationship with me despite my disabilities.

A woman with a disability is child-like and dependent.  The abusive partner perpetuates this by encouraging others to speak to him rather than her.  He may also never allow her personal time with anyone, including professionals such as physicians. His control tactics may be disguised as caring support.

my former partner was constantly pressuring me to talk to one or both of my parents. he wanted to be able to call them or have tea with them and discuss the issue of my health. as mentioned in earlier posts, multiple times i expressed to him wanting to go to the psychiatric ward - each time he adamantly insisted i did not need to do this and that he would take care of me himself. i have since heard from roommates and friends that he would discourage them from talking to me when i was alone in my room or having a difficult time. i have also heard that he has consulted and conferred with roommates and friends about my health without my knowing, sharing intimate details i did not give him permission to share. this was always done under the auspice of wanting to support me.

Society sees the partner as a martyr or hero for being in a relationship with a woman who has a disability.   "People wonder why I married you".

my former partner often lamented to me the ways in which being in a relationship with me was difficult, confusing, or challenging due to my disability. i fed into this and perpetuated it by telling people in my life how lucky i was that my former partner was so understanding and compassionate about my disabilities. as i have written about in previous entries, the incident that lead to my ending the relationship involved this element. he contacted many others to describe my response to his abuse as a 'psychotic episode' and to better paint a picture of him as a concerned and caring partner, as opposed to being honest about what had caused my response and being accountable for his mistreatment of me. 

part of why it took me so long to recognize his behavior as inappropriate is because of the times which he was caring, compassionate, and loving to me. there were times when he held me through anxiety attacks, made me meals on days i felt unable to cook for my self, and provided me with empowering literature on living with dangerous gifts and disabilities. it can be so hard to reconcile in my mind this sensitive and caring treatment of me with all of the incidents of mistreatment. it baffles me and seems utterly irrational - and though i know and accept it as irrational, i am afraid that a part of me is always going to be searching for that reason, for that explanation that could offer me some sort of understanding of his behavior. i have to learn to let go of any hope that i will receive a reasonable explanation for it; it's just not going to happen. sometimes i think letting go is one of the hardest parts of this journey... letting go of it all, the good and the bad, letting go of the hope that kept me trapped in the relationship. it's time to just let it all go...

rational responses to irrational treatment

every womon has the right to define and describe her own experiences of abuse. there are many ways in which experiences of abuse are similar across the board - so similar, in fact, that there are widely recognized classic signs of both an abuser and the abused, as well as countless publications on how abuse most often manifests. in coming to terms with the abuse i've experienced, talking with other survivors and reading the literature available on abuse has helped me immensely... being able to feel less isolated or alone in healing through the abuse and knowing that what i am feeling and going through is considered to be a normal response to surviving abuse helps steady me and gets me through each day.

last week i called the victoria women's transition house society to make an appointment to see a counselor. the womon who answered the phone listened patiently as i described to her my experiences of abuse within my relationship with my former partner, and how i was now feeling and responding. one thing that she said really stuck with me - as i told her that i was having trouble sleeping, that i still missed and loved my former partner but found my self devastated and disgusted by how he treated me, and that some days i felt like an absolute mess, she reassured me that i was a survivor of abuse. that i had made a positive step by getting out of the relationship. and that i was responding rationally to an irrational situation. she went on to explain to me that really, abuse is irrational. abusers treat their victims in ways that make absolutely no sense and behave in contradictory manners (an abuser saying he loves you while simultaneously mistreating you). she said that part of why abuse was hard to come to terms with experiencing was due to the irrational nature of it - abuse survivors are often left wondering, why? why would he do that? why would he say that? how can he treat me this way? searching for a rational reason to describe irrational behavior. she said that survivors, in responding with a mixture of hatred and love, anguish and sadness, compassion and sympathy, are responding rationally to the ways in which they were treated. it is a normal response to abuse to be left questioning ones own sanity, to be ricocheting back and forth between emotions of love and hatred, to have physical symptoms such as insomnia and an upset stomach. this means that we, as survivors, are still human. we have held on to our humanity, and are responding in a rational way - yes, even a healthy way. it is all a part of the healing journey.

in this way, counter-abuse can be described as a rational response to abuse. counter-abuse is the occurrence of a survivor or victim of abuse finally reaching a point at which they no longer submit to their abusers mistreatment, and begin to fight back - literally, if the abuse is physical. if it is verbal, the abused may begin to defend themselves verbally and engage in verbal abuse against their partner (this is what is meant by counter-abuse).

in examining why batterers do what they do (both physical and emotional battering), i have been doing a great deal of reading on how batterers tend to view themselves as victims. they rarely perceive their own behavior as abusive, and are more likely to label their victims and other people in their lives as abusers. i fear this is the case with my former partner. since the beginning of our relationship, i have been privy to hearing all about the people who have victimized him and mistreated him... including his tearful admission of being accused of rape, in which he proceeded to tell me how traumatizing the experience had been for him - he did not touch at all on what the experience was like for the womon or what he had done to be held accountable and address her accusation. he also lamented to me the ways in which he had been mistreated by all of his past lovers, rarely if ever addressing any ways in which he might have mistreated them.

i am beginning to come to terms with my mood swings, loss of appetite, insomnia, depression. i am beginning to recognize these things as rational responses to what i have been through. i am recognizing that instead of lamenting the physical and mental affects the abuse has had on me, i need to celebrate that i am now out of the relationship, and that honestly, from here on in things are only going to get better. i need to be gentle with my self and my body - it takes time to heal, and at least now i am actively on my way.

sexual abuse and coercion

i have been learning more through reading about the dynamics involved in abusive relationships. this link will take you to a page that i have found helpful... it involves a brief and simple list of some characteristics of abusive relationships. i see many of these characteristics as present in my relationship with my former partner; the one thing that stood out to me today was sexual coercion. i think that stood out to me because i have not seen that previously listed in other places that describe characteristics of abuse, and because it resonates with me and my experiences of abuse.

i describe the relationship i had with my former partner as involving sexual abuse, and i greatly appreciate the addition of the phrase sexual coercion into my vocabulary, as it speaks to my experience. my former partner and i had quite differing sexual wants and needs at varying points in our relationship, and he became very coercive in attempting to engage in sexual behavior with me, most especially during the last year of our relationship. what made this more difficult was the fact that many times he was adamant in vocalizing to me that he did not pressure me to have sex with him and that he was fine if we were not to have sex. at the same time, his behavior told a different story: at different points, he would cry if i did not want to have sex with him, which often put me in a position of needing to comfort and reassure him; he would complain if we were engaged in sexual activity that did not lead to intercourse, and would often become either sad or angry if it did not lead to sex; he would withhold or deny intimacy if there was to be no sexuality involved in it; he would threaten not to sleep beside me if he was unable to share sexual 'energy' with me, and infer that i did not want to sleep beside him or cuddle with him (when in actuality i wanted these things - what i didn't want was sex); he would touch me sexually despite my boundaries; he would reference how many days it had been since we last had sex; he would talk to me about sex and his masturbation and the pornography he watched constantly, despite my requests that he not do so.

throughout our polyamorous relationship, he had sexual relationships with many other womon - which was part of our agreement and was fine with me, as i also had other sexual relationships. what was not fine with me was that he had sex with teenage girls multiple times. he is now 29 years old and still having sex with teenage girls. earlier in our relationship, he let me know that if it was a boundary of mine that he not have sex with teenage girls he was willing to stop for me - i made it clear that i did not want him to stop this behavior for me, that it was an issue of values that were clearly different for each of us.

during one of the stages in our relationship in which my former partner was attempting to be accountable, he sent a mass email out to many womon he had been involved with sexually, asking them for feedback as to his treatment of them and if they needed to be heard on anything. i commended this effort of his and was glad he had taken such a step to open dialogue with former lovers and sexual partners in his life. however, i now doubt his sincerity in doing this, as shortly after he sent this email he laughingly told me he wanted to share a 'hilarious' response he had gotten from one of the womon. she essentially wrote to him that she felt he had a problem with sex, that he was most likely a sex addict, and that he ought to cease having sex with womon until he had addressed and figured out this problem. he read this part to me laughing, poking fun at the ways in which she had phrased things and dismissing her primary point due to her vocabulary and sentence structure (she was not using i-statements and spoke in an accusatory tone - these were things that he pointed out). when i asked him if he thought she had a point, he did somber up and say she might. however i felt intensely uncomfortable witnessing his laughter - he had asked for honest responses from these womon, and he had gotten one, which he laughed off.

i also had to listen to my former partner make rude and insulting comments on his other lovers' bodies. an example of this: one day in the kitchen with one of our male roommates who was topless, my former partner made a joke that one of his current lovers was as flat-chested as our male roommate. the men both laughed at this. i said "i don't think she'd appreciate hearing that," to which my former partner replied "you're right, she wouldn't" while laughing. he often compared my breast size to the breast sizes of his other lovers, and made other comparisons on their bodies and the sex he had with them.

all of these behaviors are inappropriate and, in my opinion, unacceptable. my former partner never raped me or sexually assaulted me - however he was sexually abusive, and sexual abuse can exist outside of the forms of rape and assault. i cannot emphasis that enough. because my former partner never raped or assaulted me, i downplayed, denied, or dismissed the sexual abuse i experienced. when i heard from other womon that they felt uncomfortable around him, i told my self it was because they were uncomfortable with polyamory. when my former partner told me he had previously been accused of rape, i believed him when he said it was a 'misunderstanding'. when he ended our partnership because i was unable to meet his sexual needs, i convinced my self that someday we could be partners again and that things would work out. i ignored my gut instinct that things were not okay, that the behavior my partner was exhibiting was completely inappropriate and sexually abusive. i am not denying it anymore. i am also not keeping it to my self anymore, out of a sense of any sense of shame or guilt that i 'deserved' it, or any misplaced sense of wanting to protect my former partner from public opinion. i am speaking my truth, i am sharing my story. i have every right to. i also have every right to live a life free of sexual coercion, abuse, and harassment. so do you.

visit this link for more information on and definitions of sexual abuse and harassment.