i am continuing from my previous entry - please read this entry for the first part of the story i am sharing, and this entry to supply context to the entire tale.
after my melodramatic gesture, i spent time sitting on my bed and taking care of my cuts, floating between worlds, feeling simultaneously fucked-up and clearheaded. when my phone rang, i was expecting it to be my former partner - however, it was my mom. she had received a call from my former partner in which he told her that he was worried about me and asked her to call me. why he chose to do this and not to call me him self i can only speculate on. previously though he and i had discussed what to do if any situations were ever to arise in which my gifts were feeling dangerous and i was in need of more support than he could offer, and i had let him know that it was acceptable and most likely a good idea to call my mom at those times. my mom is one of my closest friends, and knows my dangerous gifts intimately. over the phone i cried and expressed to her that i was confused as to why my former partner had called her and not called me himself; i let her know about what had happened earlier in conversation between he and i over the chat; and i let her know i was feeling sincerely pissed-off at my former partner and that i was sick with a fever to boot. my mom expressed disappointment and irritation that my former partner had called her and failed to give any context or explanation as to why he wanted her to call me, and that he had not acknowledged that i had in fact been triggered by his behavior towards me. i let her know this was something that upset me too - that he did not supply any background information to my mom. my mom, being the wonderful support that she is and someone who knows me extremely well, picked up on two things immediately and pointed them out to me: firstly, it was not okay that my former partner had canceled our plans in the manner that he had; and secondly, that this scenario was obviously not the only thing distressing me so profoundly, and that is was no doubt merely the tip of a fucking iceberg. she asked if she could come over (she lives about a 15 minute drive away) and i wholeheartedly said yes.
i have mixed feelings on my former partner's decision to call my mom. on the one hand, i had previously given him permission to do so should a situation arise in which i needed immediate support. it was true i was having a challenging and dangerous night, and that it was really nice to hear from my mom and know that she was on her way over. in that regards, i felt okay with my former partner's decision to call her - it could have been coming from a place of genuine and immediate concern on his part. however, on the other hand, i did not know what his motivations were, and i was confused by the differing possibilities. the fact that he did not give my mom a disclaimer on what had transpired between he and i, the fact that he had not called me and asked if i needed or wanted him to call my mother, and the fact that he abruptly ended his dialogue with me muddied my ideas of his calling my mother from a place of concern. i felt that it was possible his choice to call my mother, as opposed to calling me, was a shifting of responsibility - as he did not inform my mom of why i was so upset or having such a hard time. my mother pointed out that his choice to call her could have been an effort on his part to control her perception of what i was going through - she said he had implied that my current situation of feeling dangerous was simply part of my 'dangerous gifts' and not connected to reality, or a rational response to mistreatment... he had made no mention of any disagreement or conflict between he and i as being the impetus.
my mom arrived shortly and we sat and talked for a while, her listening patiently and compassionately to where i was coming from. she asked if i wanted to come back over to her place and stay the night, and i readily agreed. i started hastily packing a bag, at which point i remember my former partner logging back on to chat. i told my mom i wanted to check in with him, and she didn't mind waiting a bit before heading back to her place, and was happy to support me through the conversation i had with him. honestly i don't remember what we chatted about. i remember telling him i was going to my mom's place. i do not remember what he said to me. i think it was a brief chat.
once i got to my mom's place, we chatted a bit more and then she went to bed and i curled up on the pull-out sofa bed. i did some writing at the computer and did some chatting with a lover. that's when the phone calls and messages started coming in.
i doubt i am going to be able to get the chronology right with the next part of this story; however, i'll do my best.
what felt like all at once i received a number of text messages, chat messages, and phone calls on my cell phone as well as a phone call on my mom's phone. (she had given me her phone before she went to bed, in case my former partner tried calling her again - she said she didn't want to wake up to him and asked if i felt comfortable either answering it or just ignoring the call, as i chose, if it should ring.) i'm going to try to explain what happened with the people who contacted me; please know that i was extremely flustered and i doubt i'm going to remember it all correctly.
i was completely overwhelmed and surprised by all of these messages coming in. the two times my cell phone rang i ignored it, as i was quite reasonably not feeling as though i was in a headspace to speak with whomever was calling. the text messages were from two different friends of mine - one asking if i was okay, the other asking if she could call me. the chat messages were from two other friends, both asking if i was okay... trying to navigate these multiple conversations at once, in a place of confused bewilderment, i eventually was able to put together this story from the folks who had contacted me - each told me some version of this: my former partner had contacted them and informed them that i had attacked him and was having a dangerous time, that i had cut my self and was in an emergency situation, and that he (my former partner) was deeply concerned about me. i found this absolutely infuriating as the same tale unfolded from a few different people. i could not fathom what good my former partner thought it would do to contact all of these people - as it was extremely flustering and unnerving to have them all contact me at once, voicing concern, each having been told a tale that was at worst untrue and at best very biased. several of the people he had chosen to contact were already not very fond of him or the relationship he and i held, so naturally these people took what he said with a grain of salt and patiently waited for me to inform them of what had occurred. every single person who contacted me expressed surprise when i explained that my former partner and i had not even been in the same house, and that his choice of the word attack was misconstrued - it could be said that i verbally attacked him, as this was true, in an online chat we had. however, and most naturally, through the vocabulary he had chosen to relay the scenario in, people were contacting me with the idea in their mind that i had without provocation physically assaulted my former partner. 'angry' does not even begin to describe how i was feeling at this point.
there are many reasons i am uncomfortable with my former partner's choice to contact so many of my friends that night. as i said earlier, i cannot fathom what good he thought would come of having all of these people contact me - it was a very triggering and overwhelming occurrence that left me feeling disoriented and frustrated. also, as i mentioned earlier, he and i had conversations about what to do in scenarios when i was feeling dangerous, and i had told him clearly who i was okay with him contacting. frustratingly enough, he contacted a number of people i had never given him permission to contact, while simultaneously neglecting to contact people whom i had given him permission to contact. he did contact a few people i had previously said it was okay for him to contact in emergency situations... however, for example, he did not contact my other long-term lover with whom i have a very healthy and supportive relationship; and he chose to contact instead a new lover in my life whom my former partner barely knows. luckily this new lover of mine is a very supportive individual, and was shocked and frustrated at my former partner's choice to contact him... as we both discussed, my former partner had no idea what sort of a relationship we were in and whether or not my new lover was even the sort of person i would want to be informed of my dangerous moments.
it was not until the next day while on the phone with a beloved friend (who had also been contacted by my former partner) that i was able to form a working interpretation of my former partner's motivation in making these phone calls. as i said, the people contacted were a few of my close friends, lovers, and old lovers. my former partner had not told any of them of the conversation that had occurred between he and i earlier that evening. he had not given any context, did not explain why i was triggered, and did not clarify that he and i were not in the same house and therefore that he had no actual idea as to what was going on for me - only an interpretation based on an online chat. his message had been, quite simply, she is in a dangerous headspace to all of these people he contacted. i believe his choice to simplify his message to this one singular point speaks volumes. as i stated in my previous entry, i had told him in no unclear terms that i was absolutely finished dealing with him and our relationship, and that i wanted nothing to do with him anymore. after discussion with other survivors of abuse and friends of mine who patiently pointed it out, his choice to make these phone calls could essentially be interpreted as an attempt to control the situation. i have no idea if this was a conscious or subconscious effort on his part. what i do know however is that he chose to contact a seemingly random selection of people that i had previously given him no permission to contact on my behalf; that he had not given any of them any information on what had actually transpired; and that he described the incident as though it were surprising and unprovoked, seemingly irrational or unexplainable.
it is possible that this was a final attempt at controlling me and the direction of our relationship. recognizing that i had hit my breaking point, reaching out and attempting to tell the community that i was acting irrationally - this could certainly have aided his need to not be held accountable or responsible for his abuse towards me. painting a picture of me as 'crazy' would make any accusations directed at him on my part seem less believable. his playing the role of a supportive, concerned individual simply looking out for me would also bolster doubt in others if i were to speak out against his abuse. as i said, i have no idea if this was a calculated effort on his part, or an act that he did not thoroughly think through. i just don't know, and i am not sure i will ever know. i cannot know his motivations. all i am left with are his actions, and my responses to them and the emotions i feel about them.
there is more about this night that i want to write about, more details to share. essentially though that is the story of my breaking point, and the response my former partner had to it.
the last email i received from him (which i chose not to respond to for a variety of reasons) came last week and included the statement "of course it is clear that i was not trying to hurt you".
"of course, it is clear that he was not trying to hurt me". this is supposed to be of some comfort. right?
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