loving your abuser

i am feeling exhausted today, awash of too many conflicting emotions. i miss my former partner. i feel deeply betrayed, confused, hurt, disoriented. i feel sadness, grief, empathy, concern, discouragement, pity. i feel infuriated, disgusted, terrified. i feel incapable of untangling these emotions, one from the other. i feel heavy with the weight of realization. i feel intimidated by the long hard road of healing that is ahead of me.

instead of writing a long entry today, i'm just going to share a link to a great article about the psychology behind loving your abuser which i resonate with deeply, and recommend highly. i love my abuser deeply and currently feel lost for having loved him. i had hoped, daydreamed, prayed that he would be able to humble himself to a point of recognizing his behavior as abusive and getting help for himself. i do not see this happening. as i mentioned in my last entry, i feel incapable of having any contact with him as it simply hurts me too much. in our last dialogue his defensive behavior was a shield behind which he attempted to let me know i was claiming that he was abusive; that i was feeling abused; that since he never, for example, pulled my hair, he questioned that his behavior was in fact abusive. i was dumbfounded by this, as at other times he has said sorry and acknowledged being emotionally abusive towards me. he argued that he is attempting to be accountable, and i am baffled by what his definition of accountability is. once again, i am dealing with dr. jekyll and mr hyde - one day he is empathetic, apologetic, compassionate. the next he is aggressive, defensive, and dismissive. i cannot put myself through that anymore. i cannot listen to it anymore. i refuse to continue engaging in the cycle and allowing it to continue. yet here i am, loving him and missing him. the article i mentioned above has helped me recognize the psychology of this and offered me some peace.

i do not doubt that i am going to be loving my former partner and missing him for a long time. however, that does not mean i need to remain ensnared in the abuse. i am strong enough to walk away from that, and recognize that i (and womonfolk everywhere) deserve better treatment than that.