the incident

i am just going to continue writing from where i left off in my last blog entry. for background and context for the story i am about to share, please see this entry.

at around 10:20pm, my former partner sent me an instant chat message saying he was going to be late. i asked him how much later, and let him know that i was feeling sleepy and sick. he did not answer my question, and asked if i was going to be feeling up to having a check-in - he clarified that he wanted to talk about our individual boundaries around us each having lovers at the house, since we were going to be roommates for january. i told him i thought that was a good and very reasonable topic for discussion, and that i would be willing to play a listening role that evening... but that i was feeling much too sick and fuzzy-headed to offer too much of my own input. i told him i was mostly looking forward to relaxing and cuddling together, and that since i was feeling so rough, i might still wind up going to my parents' place if i felt the need to after we hung-out. my former partner then abruptly told me he changed his mind, he was not going to come home and hang-out with me that night, and that instead he was going to stay over night where he was, at a lover's place.

first of all, i feel that his decision and his manner of telling me it were disrespectful regardless of the state of the relationship we were in. it is a definite polyamory no-no to cancel plans with one lover (or in this case, former lover and intimate friend) in order to spend time with another lover - not to mention at the last minute, and not to mention without checking-in and asking how the other person feels about it. secondly, this was two days after my former partner had been crying to me about how i did not prioritize spending time with him and did not make plans to spend time with him often enough, so the fact that i had rearranged my plans for the day and patiently waited for him to come home felt blatantly disrespected and dismissed by him. thirdly, he did not acknowledge the fact that i had told him multiple times in both the chat and emails we had exchanged that i was having a hard day and not feeling well - he did not ask how i was feeling or even include me in his decision to cancel our plans, or acknowledge my vulnerability. something in me crystallized in that moment. when i looked at the chat, i saw it: abuse. i saw a tactic being used. in those moments i felt acute awareness of manipulation (having been manipulated, two days previous, into sincerely believing i had not been spending enough time with my former partner and that he wanted to prioritize spending time together) and control (despite our making plans together, he controlled the scenario by canceling our plans without my input). perhaps if this had never happened before, or was an isolated incident, i could have let it go. however, it was absolutely not new or isolated - it had happened countless times in our relationship before, in a myriad of formats and ways, over and over again. something inside of me snapped.

i was able to reasonably express in the chat that i was feeling hurt, that i was sad i had not been included in his decision and that he had not asked me how i was feeling or if i was okay with our plans being canceled, and that i was feeling frustrated that i had rearranged my plans to accommodate having a hang-out time with him only to have it canceled at the last minute. he responded with reflective listening - "i hear you are feeling hurt." he did not apologize or accept responsibility for his actions, or offer me anything other than "i hear..." statements. i want to be clear that i think reflective listening is a very valuable tool, and that he and i had been working on using it more in our relationship. i also want to be clear that i believe there is a time and place for it, and that reflective listening can also go hand in hand with acknowledgment and/or apology. despite his use of "i hear..." statements, i did not feel heard by my former partner. i felt he was sticking to the reflective listening formula in order to bypass apologizing to me or attempting to address where my feelings were coming from and what to do about them. i felt dismissed.

in those moments the shifting began to occur in earnest. i felt my blood run cold and the breaking point hit me like a physical weight - i began trembling and crying uncontrollably. i felt like i was looking at the entire three years of our relationship through a microscope and seeing these same patterns, these cycles of abuse, occurring over and over again. my former partner's abrupt canceling of our plans was in absolutely no way the 'worst' of it - in fact, it was so mundane, so everyday. i recognized in my self the reality of this... that it was not excessive or surprising or out of character for him. that is part of what shook me up. that this wasn't odd or unfamiliar - that i could recognize it as a formula, something that kept happening. something that often times escalated beyond what anyone should reasonably have to deal with. his nonchalance in the chat only further highlighted this for me... this was not unusual for him. this was the way our relationship was.

i snapped. maybe because i am dangerously gifted, i am more familiar with the numinous realms of existence. i drifted someplace else because the rage coursing through my body could not be contained or understood by me - it was too big and it was too painful. i ceased caring about how i was communicating with my former abuser, and told him in fierce and unapologetic terms that i had enough. i told him i was feeling the edge of my dangerous gifts, that i was drifting into danger, that i did not want to deal with him any longer, that i had absolutely had it. i do not remember everything i typed to him - a lot of it was, i am quite sure, angry and abusive in and of itself. i stopped caring about maintaining positive and constructive communications with him. i broke wide open with my pain and let it flow out over me. i expressed it how i had to in those moments.

i want to acknowledge that because of the state i was in, i may not get the chronology of all that happened exactly right. i'll try to. at some point my former abuser abruptly logged off the chat. i drifted from my bedroom to the bathroom, and found my self remarkably clear despite the haze and the shaking.

before i continue, i want to warn anyone who may be triggered or uncomfortable by it that i'm going to talk about self-injury in the next paragraph. i'm going to supply some background about my perspectives on self-injury and my history with self-injury to provide context - i feel like my perspectives are radically different than the mainstream or dominant cultural view of self-injury, and i feel it's important to share them in order to truly share what friday night was like for me.

i started engaging in self-injury when i was a young teenager. it was primarily an emotional outlet for me, and a way to create a physical  manifestation of the pain i was experiencing inside. i recognized the taboo surrounding it, and because of that told very few people in my life that i cut my self. i managed to hide my habit from my family as well as the majority of my friends. i went through periods of time in which self-injury was an impulsive and unhealthy experience for me; however, as i got older, my relationship with self-injury began to shift and grow. it gradually became a healthier and more empowering experience for me that i engaged in less and less frequently. i started to view it as a form of harm reduction - i became conscious of where i was cutting, making sure whatever implement i was using was clean, that i did not cut too deep, and that i cared for it during the healing period. it was, in all honesty, healthier for me than other behavior i had been engaging in as a teenager... including excessive drinking and substance abuse. self-injury became an almost meditative outlet for me, a ritualized experience that helped me fully be present with whatever pain i was coping with, and to feel a sense of release and relief from the mental distress i was under. eventually i went months without any acts of self-injury... and then later, years. the few times i did commit any acts of self-injury occurred at moments of extreme change. internally, my acts of self-injury had a significant purpose in my world - to physically mark a mental shift or pivotal emotional moment of my life. after reading about how other societies and cultures have experienced and participated in self-injury as a form of spiritual initiation, i recognized how much that concept had resonated with me on some level for my entire life.

prior to friday night, it had been at least four years, probably five, since i had committed any act of self-injury. i was not entirely lucid for all of friday evening after i hit my breaking point; however i do remember feeling moments of deep and penetrating clarity. cutting my self served several purposes for me... representation of my mental anguish in a physical and visible form; permanent acknowledgment on my body to signify the mental and emotional shift that was occurring within me; and a mode of releasing the tremendous anger that was coursing through my body. i cut my self carefully, three times, using a sterile razor, on my left fore arm far away from arteries and veins, and making sure not to cut too deeply. three cuts to symbolize the cycle of maiden, mother, and crone - the holy trinity. this was symbolic to me and was a form of recognizing the ending of an unhealthy cycle, and the opportunity for something new to be born from the ashes of the old.

as important and spiritual as the experience was for me, i don't want to gloss over or downplay the fact that i was in a very angry and fucked-up headspace. i spent the next few minutes letting my blood run freely while wanting to find some other way of expressing and expelling my anger. i settled on tearing up a photocopy of a book my former abuser had given me. i had a destructive urge and it felt like that was a good target - it was something my former partner had given to me that was a photocopy of a book that was important to him; it was not the book itself or any other sort of irreplaceable or cherished item. symbolically it was satisfying to tear it up, and i experienced a lot less guilt than had i ripped up or destroyed something more than a photocopy. my blood dripped down onto the pages as i tore them up, venting and releasing anger that had been steadily growing for months.

i admit that i eventually took these torn pages and tossed them onto my former abuser's bed in an act of impulsive deviance. was this melodramatic? extremely. inappropriate? definitely. embarrassing? yeah, i'd say so. if i could go back, would i stop my self from doing it? i believe i would. do i regret it? honestly, no. i want to own it and admit to it as a disrespectful and flagrantly dramatic gesture that was in no way okay or acceptable. i also want to own all of the many individual moments that lead me to behave in such a manner. i want to be simultaneously aware of and responsible for my actions; i also do not want to be too utterly hard on my self, given the context of what was going on for me. it's a difficult balance. i eventually want to apologize to my former partner for this behavior, and i am trusting that there will be the right time and place to do so. i want to hold my self accountable for my actions... much the way i wish that he would hold himself accountable for his.

there is much more to tell of friday night and the unfolding of my story... however this entry is long enough and has taken a lot out of me, as i have had to relive and reflect on much in order to share it all. i want to share it all, i want to be free of the burdens i have acquired. i also want to take my time and remember to take deep breaths. i am breathing right now, thanking my diaphragm for seeing me through so much. and thank you too for reading and baring witness to my vulnerability. this experience is needing to be shared with more than just my journal.

in my next entry, i'll continue from where i've left off here. i've been trying to write and post each day, though this is not always reasonable for me. i'll share when i can, and not a moment sooner.