context is everything

i hit my breaking point on friday january 7th of this year. i started this blog three days later. with all of the reading i have been doing and discussions i have been having, i now recognize that it is very common for abused womonfolk to hit a breaking point - the point at which they refuse to accept the abuse any longer, the point at which they most likely see the relationship with a new level of clarity and are finally able to leave. sometimes the breaking point is extreme escalation on the part of the abuser: an act of violence or mistreatment that somehow seems worse or more severe than anything the abuser has done previously. other times the breaking point can be small or seemingly mundane; an act or behavior that is part of how your abuser regularly treats you. this can be viewed as 'the straw that broke the camel's back'. friday night was a little bit of both for me. i want to talk about that night as honestly and openly as i can. however, i recognize that will be hard for me emotionally, and i want to be honest about that too. i want to explain my experiences of friday night within the context of what i had been experiencing previously and the inappropriate behavior from my abuser that was escalating. i want to tell my story.

some context first. in all honesty there is so much i want to write about, to expel from my body and heart, and i suppose there will eventually be a time and space for me to do that for every single story i have bottled up within me. for now though i will stick to applying some background to what occurred friday night, and so will just be imparting short versions of the events previous to friday. i want to keep focused.

in october of 2010, my abuser (who was my partner at the time) informed me that he was not able to be in a partnership that did not involve sex and/or sexuality. this came after several months of my struggling with my sexuality, and my current decision to be celibate for a period of time to process through what i was feeling and experiencing. as a survivor of sexual abuse which occurred in my youth, i go through periods of time in which sex can be triggering for me. during these periods it is healthiest for me to abstain from sexual involvement until i begin to feel more safe and empowered with my sexuality and sexual choices once again. for several months prior to october, i had been having a great deal of trouble with my sexuality, and had been having sex very infrequently with my partner. during this period of time, he refused to respect my sexual boundaries in a variety of ways, from unwanted sexualized touching of me to continual reference to the fact that we were not having sex regularly - he brought this up daily, despite my request that he not do so. one day in october i presented to him what i thought was a compromise: i suggested we schedule a once-a-week council in which he and i would sit and specifically talk about our sex and sexuality. i felt this would meet my need to have space from this topic of discussion in my everyday life, and it would meet his need to be heard on the topic and to talk with me about it. he refused and said that this plan was not adequate for him and did not meet his needs. we had a conversation that escalated to crying and shouting on both of our parts. my abuser then said to me that he was unable to be my partner, or anyone's partner, if there was no sex or sexuality involved in the partnership. i was deeply stung by this, and attempted to explain that my need for celibacy and heightened sexual boundaries was temporary. my former partner did not offer compassion on these topics a the time, and it was in that conversation we decided to no longer refer to one another as 'partner' or 'lover'. since that conversation, my former partner has expressed that he 'did not mean' what he said and that he is sorry. i have not yet healed from this occurrence. however, my former partner and i did continue to live together as roommates and sustain a very close and very intimate relationship in a lot of ways. for a short period of time, i thought things were changing between us... however that illusion did not last long, and despite the major change in the label to our relationship, the relationship itself was still very much the same, and the abusive treatment i received eventually started up again, in earnest.

between october and december 2010, i was put through several rounds of the cycle of abuse. in the worst moments of these cycles, i would often sob to supportive friends and family about whatever the latest incident was, and would seriously consider and discuss taking more steps to have my former partner less involved in my life. i finally began sharing the full details of incidents or conversations that had occurred with my abuser, and sharing emails he sent me that i felt were inappropriate, in order to gain a sense of perspective. i began to receive serious acknowledgment and support from a few key people in my life who found my former partner's treatment of me abusive. in the best moments of these cycles, i would be singing my former partner's praises, sharing with pride the kind things he had said to me and apologies he had made, and expressing to him my excitement at the possibility of our becoming partners once again.

by mid-december, my former partner and i had agreed that it was best that we cease living together, and planned to stop doing so for january 1st. the cycle of abuse was escalating in rapidity, and my mental health was beginning to severely suffer. i began having a great deal of trouble sleeping, eating, and remembering to take my medications. i started losing weight, losing my hair, and becoming very physically ill. i began staying with my parents for days at a time, as it was a safe space for me in which i felt respected and taken care of. i told my abuser that i felt i needed to go to the hospital, the psychiatric ward, as i was feeling dangerous and unable to take care of my self. he insisted i did not need to do this, and that he would take care of me. he reminded me of the negative experiences i had with hospitalization in the past. he said that he would create a structure, or framework, in which he and others in our community would help make sure i was eating, taking my medications, and getting exercise. we had multiple conversations over the course of two weeks in which i kept telling him i felt the need to go to the hospital, and he kept telling me he would create a structure to take care of me so that i would not have to. this structure never materialized. i kept putting my trust in him however and believing that it would, and did not say anything to anyone else in my life about my desire to be admitted to the hospital. my former partner was adamant in his insistence that i did not need to go and that he would take care of me; he stated that this structure he was creating, a schedule to help me keep on the right track with my mental health, would be implemented by january 1st. i believed him. i continued struggling with forgetting to take my medications and not eating enough. while i was in this state, my former partner lamented that he was not able to find a home for january 1st and asked if he could stay with me and my roommate at the new house we planned to move into for january 1st. my roommate and i had not yet found a third roommate to live with us, and though i recognize we could have, i was feeling much too stressed out and ill to desire putting energy into finding a roommate... so despite our better judgment, my roommate and i told my former partner he could live with us for the month of january.

january 1st we all moved into the new house. during the first week i was still feeling quite sick, and spending time at my parents' place here and there. i kept anticipating some form of acknowledgment or dialogue with my former partner about the schedule and structure he said would be applied for january 1st, but nothing happened. in fact, during this first week of january, he began pushing the idea of staying for february, as he said he was having trouble finding anywhere to live for february 1st. he also began to complain to me that i was not giving him enough attention or spending enough time with him. nothing more was said about my mental health or the schedule he said he would create. i spent the majority of time in my bed or at my parents' place. i spent some time with supportive lovers that would visit me and try to help me with unpacking or encouraging me to eat and take my medications, and simply to keep me company.

on january 6th i had spent the day at home with a lover. my former partner was not at home and had earlier told me he planned to stay over at his lover's place for the night. my physical illness had been getting worse, and i became sick with a fever. my lover spent the night of the 6th and woke up with me on the 7th. i was a mess - having trouble with breathing and swallowing, experiencing cold chills, and sporting a fever. he hung out and was great support to me, saw to it that i got my self into a nice steamy shower, and then headed off for the rest of his day. after my shower, i checked my email where i found a relatively friendly note from my former partner requesting to spend some time with me that evening and asking to have a check-in. i had been planning on going to my parents' place to spend some time there, as i was feeling pretty miserable in every sense of the word and wanted company... however i was happy with the idea of spending time with my former partner and decided to rearrange my plans so that we could hang-out that night. i sent him an email letting him know i was available that evening and looking forward to seeing him, and that i was also not feeling well and was sick. after this i fell into a sleep and woke-up a few hours later, sweating with fever and feeling disoriented. i tried to eat, though i was still feeling really sick to my stomach. i checked my email again and saw an email from my former partner saying he'd be home at 10:30 to hang-out. i spent the next few hours laying in bed, melancholy and sick.

i want to acknowledge how long this blog entry has become. i also am recognizing, within my self, how so many factors can pile up inside, and what the weight of all of these things accumulating can do to a person. i feel like i've supplied enough background to go into the incident that occurred and triggered me hitting a breaking point in my relationship with my abuser. however i feel i've done enough writing for today and need to give my self a break to step out of this headspace. on that note, i'm going to finish this entry with a link on self-care for survivors. time for me to curl up and read a good book.