“Adult women who have been abused in a relationship in the past five years have rates of depression 2½ times greater than women who have never been abused, according to a different study of more than 3,000 women. They are also more likely to be socially isolated.” -Amy Bonomi
the last year of my life i have been struggling with depression. i was diagnosed with clinical depression over a decade ago, and experience bouts with it here and there. i do not believe depression to be a 'mental illness' - i think it can be a quite understandable response to an utterly insane civilization. likewise, i think becoming depressed is a reasonable response to abuse. for this past year i have been searching for reasoning behind my extreme feelings of depression... trying to rationalize it and explain it, looking everywhere for an answer - except for in my relationship with my former partner. after reading about the psychological stages of responses to abuse, i can understand this behavior of mine much more clearly.
i was deep in denial (the first of four stages in what is now called 'battered person's syndrome', which refers to emotional battering as well as physical). i was desperate to find a cause for my depression that would not force me to acknowledge and address the abuse. the second stage, guilt, followed on its heals, as i justified my mistreatment as acceptable since i was no doubt difficult to be around and be in a relationship with as a dangerously gifted person. (of course i refused to recognize the fact that, as a polyamorous person, i was in a number of other healthy and functioning relationships. acknowledging this would most likely have forced me to address my former partner's treatment of me, and i was not ready to do this.) next came enlightenment, which happened this summer... this consisted of recognizing a lot of the ways in which my former partner was treating me as inappropriate and, in certain instances, even being able to call it 'abusive'. i talked with him about this, and believed he was sincere in telling me his desires to change and to take responsibility for his actions. he persistently told me he was 'working on it', and i continued to believe him, despite further mistreatment. last is responsibility, which is the stage i have found my self thrust into this past month - recognizing the situation for what it is, and realizing that my former partner was not changing and that his abuse was continuing to hurt me. i had to take responsibility for this and make the choice to end the abuse by removing him from my life.
depression is, in my mind, a reasonable response to everything i have endured and everything i am currently processing. knowing this, however, doesn't seem to make it any easier for me. reading about and recognizing the reality of depression in womonfolk who are survivors of abuse has helped me be more at peace with the emotions i am currently experiencing. it helps to keep in mind that i did not in any way deserve the abuse i endured. my depression is something i need to process and heal through in my own way - it is not something that is going to disappear over night simply because my abuser is now out of my life. there is no doubt a great deal of healing on the path ahead of me. i try to embark on it as committed as i can to my own health and well-being, even if there are moments when i doubt i deserve such things.
If you are being abused, remember:
- You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
- You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
- You deserve to be treated with respect.
- You deserve a safe and happy life.
- You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.
keeping all of that in mind can offer me courage on even the hardest days.
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