compounding matters

yesterday and today i have been shuttling my self back and forth between multiple appointments with different doctors, getting a chest x-ray (due to coughing and blood in my phlegm), and trying to address both my physical and mental responses to the current level of stress in my life, and the impacts of abuse on my self - as well as the impacts of leaving an abusive situation. the two doctors i have seen have offered me a great deal of reassurance that any kind of abuse, whether physical or not, would absolutely create a physical response in my body. as of late this has manifested itself as insomnia and stomach-upset for me, as well as ongoing issues with my throat. i can see the insomnia and digestive upsets as having a lot to do directly with grief, anger, and sadness... the anxiety of recognizing abuse, leaving abuse, and trying to rebuild my life. to the sore throat, coughing, and phlegm i have attributed a more metaphysical cause...

the throat chakra is all about being heard and speaking ones truth. i feel that my former partner rarely heard what i was saying, though he often listened. towards the last few months of our relationship i was feeling extremely unheard by him on many topics, and i witnessed an itchy rash spread out all over my neck and that is when the coughing and sore throat started. for three years i stayed silent on many of the ways my former partner treated me and the secrets he requested i keep... that cannot have been good for my throat chakra. now i feel i am finally releasing his secrets, speaking of my experiences, and no longer engaging in unfruitful dialogues with him at all. i am speaking honestly and openly and no longer hiding problems or holding things back. i am reclaiming my throat chakra and it is going through a lot. this is one way i'm looking at this physical problem... a physical expression of my need to be heard and speak my truths.

the fact that i am already coping with physical and mental health issues that have nothing to do with the abuse only compound matters. i am legally recognized as a 'person with a disability' (or pwd) and receive financial assistance for this reason. i am on a number of pharmacological and natural medications and vitamins, and see both a naturopathic and allopathic doctor regularly. my health ebbs and flows and is dramatically impacted by stress.

to help me gain perspective on my situation of being a disabled person coping with abuse, i found this article on emotional abuse of women with disabilities extremely helpful, especially since it spoke to some of my specific experiences. this article lists seven myths that impact women with disabilities, and can further contribute and compound our experiences of emotional abuse. i want to mention and explore a few of the myths that i feel have impacted my relationship with my former partner.

A woman with a disability is not able to give or participate equally in an intimate relationship.  Often the disability gets used as the basis for the inequity in the relationship.

this myth permeated the entirety of my relationship with my former partner. though i am sure he would be loathe to make a statement like the one above, his behavior and treatment of me spoke much louder than any of his words could. every single time i expressed anger or sadness or rage or sorrow at something my partner said or did, he would bring up the fact that i was dangerously gifted, that i was possibly responding the way i was because of anxiety, that i might not have eaten properly that day, that i might have forgotten to take my medication. almost every single time he did this, i would believe him - i would question my response and call it an 'anxiety attack', question what or when i had eaten, question whether or not i had taken my medication. most of these engages ended with me apologizing to him for my response, and thanking him for being willing to be in a relationship with me despite my disabilities.

A woman with a disability is child-like and dependent.  The abusive partner perpetuates this by encouraging others to speak to him rather than her.  He may also never allow her personal time with anyone, including professionals such as physicians. His control tactics may be disguised as caring support.

my former partner was constantly pressuring me to talk to one or both of my parents. he wanted to be able to call them or have tea with them and discuss the issue of my health. as mentioned in earlier posts, multiple times i expressed to him wanting to go to the psychiatric ward - each time he adamantly insisted i did not need to do this and that he would take care of me himself. i have since heard from roommates and friends that he would discourage them from talking to me when i was alone in my room or having a difficult time. i have also heard that he has consulted and conferred with roommates and friends about my health without my knowing, sharing intimate details i did not give him permission to share. this was always done under the auspice of wanting to support me.

Society sees the partner as a martyr or hero for being in a relationship with a woman who has a disability.   "People wonder why I married you".

my former partner often lamented to me the ways in which being in a relationship with me was difficult, confusing, or challenging due to my disability. i fed into this and perpetuated it by telling people in my life how lucky i was that my former partner was so understanding and compassionate about my disabilities. as i have written about in previous entries, the incident that lead to my ending the relationship involved this element. he contacted many others to describe my response to his abuse as a 'psychotic episode' and to better paint a picture of him as a concerned and caring partner, as opposed to being honest about what had caused my response and being accountable for his mistreatment of me. 

part of why it took me so long to recognize his behavior as inappropriate is because of the times which he was caring, compassionate, and loving to me. there were times when he held me through anxiety attacks, made me meals on days i felt unable to cook for my self, and provided me with empowering literature on living with dangerous gifts and disabilities. it can be so hard to reconcile in my mind this sensitive and caring treatment of me with all of the incidents of mistreatment. it baffles me and seems utterly irrational - and though i know and accept it as irrational, i am afraid that a part of me is always going to be searching for that reason, for that explanation that could offer me some sort of understanding of his behavior. i have to learn to let go of any hope that i will receive a reasonable explanation for it; it's just not going to happen. sometimes i think letting go is one of the hardest parts of this journey... letting go of it all, the good and the bad, letting go of the hope that kept me trapped in the relationship. it's time to just let it all go...