Psychological Abuse

Today I wanted to share a link to a great article that discusses psychological abuse: Why Women and Society Miss the Cues of Psychological Abuse. I recommend taking the time to read the whole thing, but I'll add some excerpts of note here.

Instead of being able to name their partner’s behaviours as ‘power and control’ or ‘abuse’, lots of  women can only think of their partner’s actions as ‘puzzling’ in its early stages. Then ‘odd’, ‘weird’, and ‘bizarre’ as it escalates. As power and control is exerted, women become more and more confused, and self doubt causes women to blame themselves and desperately rummage through their own behaviours for clues how to please their partners and make the problem go away.

They may simply feel that what they are experiencing isn’t right, just or fair but will search for answers within themselves and their own psyches. What am I doing wrong that he is angry with me? What’s changed in our relationship that he belittles me? Why can’t I see my friends? Why can’t I use the car?

I still remember the lack of vocabulary I experienced when I needed to talk about what was happening with my abuser. When trying to open up and share with friends, all I could do was describe his behaviour as "weird" and explain how uncomfortable it made me feel, while floundering to find the right words. My previous experiences of abuse had led me to think of abuse as much more direct and physical. Many womonfolk in psychological, emotional, and/or verbally abusive situations experience this inability to clearly name the behaviour that is so damaging to them. This often leads us to question ourselves and our perceptions of our abuser, and assume that the problem is somehow our own.

Psychological abuse is either hidden or is considered less important than physical violence. This could be because of the imminent life-threatening nature of physical violence and the visible bruises and broken bones that some women experience. The media sensationalises physical violence and it’s extremely rare to read of a critical analysis of the perpetrator’s use of non-physical control tactics.

I think a lot of people unfortunately choose not to believe womonfolk who come forward and call out their abusers when their is no "evidence" - ie, bruises or broken bones. This further perpetuates the cycle, as a womon may choose not to call out her abuser out of a fear that she will not be believed, supported, or validated. I know this is part of why I stayed in my partnership for as long as I did... I was afraid that people would not believe me that he was abusive, and that being disbelieved would be more harmful to my psyche than the abuse I was sustaining.

The lack of awareness about psychological abuse causes women to assume they are experiencing “normal” relationship problems. This makes women extremely vulnerable to developing mental or physical illnesses and to experiencing more and more abuse. This is because women often have no knowledge of how the pattern of power and control forms over time.

I think one of the best and most important things we can do, all of us, is learn about these patterns of power and control,  and educate others about them. In this context, knowledge gives us strength, and the ability to name - to stand back and say "That is abusive behaviour, and I will not accept it." Isolation can occur within our own minds when we do not have the words needed to talk about what we are experiencing. Breaking the silence involves learning to name and call-out abuse. If we were all able to do this, think of the countless ways in which we would be able to combat and stop the further perpetuation of (physical and psychological) violence. It would be revolutionary.