the healing journey

some nights i do not want to sleep because i do not want to have nightmares. some nights i stretch and move and find it glorious to have my entire bed to my self - something that did not happen often when i was with my former partner. some nights i keep my self awake to keep from the memories, thoughts, and emotions that invariably creep into my consciousness as i lay in bed waiting for sleep.

lately it has been hard for me to settle on a topic for a blog entry, hard to share the emotions that i am processing and coping with. i have decided to create a gentle goal for my self, inspired partially by my roommate... i want to update this blog everyday, even if it is just a sentence. my motivation in creating this blog was twofold: i wanted and needed a space that was public to share my pain and my experiences, i needed to be heard and listened to and respected and supported, i needed a space specifically created to explore what i am currently going through and healing from, i wanted to be able to write my way through this journey. the second part is the desire to inform other womonfolk of what resources are out there - to offer links, ideas, feedback, suggestions, support, to create community to hold one another up through the onslaught of patriarchal conditioning, to be witnessed and bare witness, to refuse to be silent and encourage other womonfolk to speak up as well. i want to always keep in mind my purposes and motivations for creating this blog and continuing to write in it.

my intention is to heal. my motivation is to inform. i want to keep sharing my story to help my own self first and foremost, and to help the womonfolk in my community and all womonfolk everywhere. we need to talk about these issues, we need to talk about them more actively and openly and honestly. i am still reeling with the recognitions and realizations that have come most especially since i have begun really opening up and sharing stories of what i have experienced. in order to recognize that i was indeed being abused, i needed to be honest about what was going on with my former partner and how it was making me feel. for a long time i kept so much pain to my self and made so many excuses as to why i did not reach out and tell others about the abuse. i am done with excuses, i am done with any desire to protect my former partner from public opinion. i am devastated that i kept my self silent for so long.

everyday i learn to speak up, to share more, to reach out, to be honest in my process, my emotions, my experiences, the things that happened between my former partner and my self. this process is not always easy or pretty or fun. often it is painful and frightening, and i am still struggling with what my own boundaries are with others as i recover from abuse. it is not an easy time. however, and this is the most important thing: this is my healing journey and things are only going to get better from here on in. my former partner is out of my life and therefore so is the abuse. i can now focus on my healing and joyfully watch my progress as the days pass. as scary and overwhelming and painful as the journey is, it can never be said that it isn't at least exciting, too.