being a survivor

first and foremost, i am a survivor. being a survivor has become my life, as not too long ago being a victim had been my life - consumed it entirely. pieces are beginning to come back, slow and stilted. my life is recovery now. every waking moment i struggle with this recovery, with regaining my health and well-being, with banishing self-doubt. i am reading, listening, talking, stretching and growing. i am coming to new realizations about the nature of the abuse i endured almost daily - remembering small pieces, feeling the rage, feeling the sadness. separating my identity from the identity of my abuser. i am separate. i am learning more about my own process as it relates to the process of all womonfolk everywhere who have suffered abuse and have put the necessary energy and time into recovery. i am learning about what goes on in the hearts and minds of abusers. this information comforts me, offers validation and support. everyday i wake up and do deep breathing exercises to remind my self that my body is my own, that my abuser is gone, that i can reclaim my life and my space. i take deep breaths to remove myself from the panic mode i had been living in for so long - afraid of my former partner's anger, irrationality, judgment, mood swings, abuse. i am trying to reprogram my body into understanding that i am now safe. i am not currently at risk of daily verbal and sexual abuse. i can breathe deeper now, i can sleep deeper. this is what i am trying to tell my body as it rages against the change. i am still struggling with being able to relax, to sleep, to let my guard down and feel safe. my days are full of ups and downs, appointments with counsellors, reading, trying to engage in deep self-care. trying to make sense of this situation. helping me make sense of it is the reality that abuse is irrational - no sense can be made of it. i have been reading about the different realities that abusers live in… within their realities, they are not abusers, they are victims of abuse. they do not see their own actions as abuse and instead blame those they abuse as being the perpetrators. abusers commit acts of abuse in the process of denying that they are abusive. it is all absurd and surreal to me. this is a reality that makes no sense, based on self-deception and the shirking of accountability. i don't understand. i do understand. i think of how well i had managed to deceive my own self and the people in my life into believing i had a regular functioning relationship. i had to deceive my self and others in my life to preserve my own sanity… or so it felt at the time. i suppose we all have to face the truth sooner or later.

i have been absent from this blog lately because my healing journey turned into a deep and intensely personal process for a little while. i have a feeling i will be moving between that need to have my self to my self, and the need to share and be heard. everyday is different than the day before. i feel i have experienced every emotion imaginable to every degree imaginable. i am filled with profound respect for all of the womonfolk who have walked this path of recovery - it is not easy and it is not fun. it is, however, necessary. and it is a gift to my self, because i deserve wellness and freedom from abuse.

i don't know what else to share in this moment. thank you so much to all those of you who read this blog and offer me support and compassion - it truly means the world to me.