i have been thinking a lot lately about the vocabulary used to describe abuse. in reading up on emotional and psychological abuse, there were many questionnaires i came across that were created to better help womonfolk be able to identify an abusive relationship or situation. first of all, if a womon has found herself even asking or pondering the question, am i abused? something is clearly wrong. second of all, though most of these questionnaires are invaluably helpful (they have certainly helped me), they tend to stick to broad generalizations and the usage of terms that have not clearly been defined. for example, asking the question does he threaten you? was a question i found problematic, because i got hung up on the term "threatened". my former partner never said do ___ or else i'll _____. because of this, it took me some time and reflection to recognize that my partner did indeed threaten me, and regularly - it was just that his choice of vocabulary to make threats was not as direct. i recall having one conversation with him in which he said that, if our relationship were to ever end, he would move back out east and quite likely never see me again. this was during an emotional conversation in which we were discussing changes to our relationship. he told me that the only reason he lived in this city was because of our relationship, and that if the relationship ended he would leave. saying it the way he did, with the emotional charge and aggression behind it, this was absolutely a threat. because he did not say it in explicit and obviously threatening words, i did not recognize it as a threat until i had sat with his words, uncomfortable and turning them over in my mind, for days. i finally recognized that i was feeling the force of his threat - that if we ended our relationship, which i had been considering doing, i would never see him again. i desperately did not want that, so naturally i did not end our relationship at that time. this kind of a threat - subtle, emotional, aggressive - happened all throughout our relationship.
this is just one example of vocabulary affecting my ability to recognize abuse. other words or phrases such as name-calling, manipulation, control, demands, forced sexual contact, verbal abuse, guilt trips, etc have been difficult for me as i put a great deal of weight into the definition of the word and what is meant by it. for example, i did not recognize the relationship i had with my former partner was sexually abusive until i began to read more about the many different forms and kinds of sexual abuse. i perceived the phrase forced sexual contact as his pinning me down or physically using force to keep me from moving; that was just my interpretation of the phrase at the time. in reality, forced sexual contact can be any kind of touching or groping of a person in which they are not consenting and are unable to remove themselves from the situation (which absolutely happened multiple times with my former partner). there are many words or phrases that, early on in my journey to explore the possibility that i was in an abusive relationship, i would dismiss - no, he never called me a bitch; no, he never told me i wasn't allowed to leave the house. however, simply because he never called me a bitch did not mean that there was not verbal abuse - his constant suggestions that i was having a psychotic episode or an anxiety attack, as said to me and to others, constitutes a form of verbal abuse. simply because he never told me i was not allowed to leave the house does not mean he was not attempting to control my behaviour - as i have said in previous entries, he pushed and demanded a great deal of my time to be spent with him and around him, making it difficult for me to do things independently. he used crying, shouting, threats, withholding intimacy, and manipulation to enact these forms of control.
another reason that the vocabulary used when describing abuse is problematic has to do with the perception of abusers. there are abusers who try to be accountable for their actions, either voluntarily or due to pushing from others or a court order. when looking at resources for abusers online, a lot of the similar questions are asked, such as do you ever threaten her? again it depends on how one interprets the term "threaten" - the abuser reading may say to himself that no, of course he does not make threats, because he never says things like do _____ or else i'll _____. that direct vocabulary is the only thing he is able to perceive as a threat; and since that is not the kind of threat he makes (as is very common in the situations of emotional abuse - emotional abusers are often very charismatic individuals) the abuser is able to dismiss the issue and ameliorate himself. i'm not abusive because i do not make threats. meanwhile the threats he has made go entirely unidentified and unaddressed, he is further able to remain in denial about being abusive, and the victim continues to doubt herself and her perceptions of the abuse.
i fear this is the case with my former partner. at a time when i felt he was more receptive, he spent time reading through links i had sent him for abusers... these once again involved lists of questions or descriptions of personality characteristics of abusers, and asked the person reading them to honestly reflect upon what was written. when later chatting with him about this, my former partner chose to latch onto the things on these lists he did not do, as opposed to being able to recognize and be accountable for the things he did do. for example, he informed me that he did not pull my hair, as pulling hair was listed as an abusive behaviour. he never pulled my hair, no. that, however, was not the point - the point was all of the other many things on the list that he did do, none of which did he mention or address. i also fear he is choosing not to recognize his abusive behaviour because of the vocabulary used around the issue and his own personal definitions of the words used to describe abuse and abusers. i fear this is the case for the majority of abusers out there.
i don't have any suggestions or solutions on how to address these issues. a lot of the information out there is helpful specifically because it is broad and general, and many womonfolk are able to see themselves and their abusive relationships clearly described and are able to then seek help. generalities exist because of how common the experiences of abuse are, and how systematic and predictable the cycle of abuse is.
what helped me was isolating each word in the questionnaires and trying to define it for my self. actually looking up words in the dictionary can be helpful in getting a literal point at which to leap from in exploring how one defines a word for themselves. sitting and reflecting on interactions that i had with my former partner which left me feeling mistreated, and then trying to label and recognize specifically what made me think and feel i was being mistreated, helped me target the kinds of abuse i was experiencing. once i started doing this and discussing the treatment i received with others to get help with defining and describing the abuse, everything began to stand out more clearly and be less subtle to me - it was like unravelling a ball of yarn. it helped immensely to just tell a friend the story of an incident or conversation with my former partner (in some cases getting them to read emails) without my adding any qualifiers and judgments, and then getting their feedback... not to mention hearing my self speak the experience aloud; hearing in my own words the description of the experience, i have had so many ah-ha! moments where the abuse suddenly becomes undeniably obvious to my self and to whomever i'm speaking with. just saying it all aloud is immensely liberating and therapeutic in and of itself.
i want to share an absolutely excellent link that describes types of emotional abuse in a more thorough and definitive manner. it is not perfect, but i do think it offers a lot of clarity on what is meant by emotional abuse and further explains emotionally abusive behaviours. reviewing this list, i feel a sense of strength and empowerment flow through me, as i recognize my former partner in the words. i am able to take a moment and be proud of my self for finally recognizing it and leaving and not having to put up with the abuse any longer. it is never easy, but it is always worth it. i am worth it. you are worth it. we all are.
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