one thing i appreciate about this book is that it immediately clarifies what is meant by verbal abuse and defines some of the vocabulary used in describing abuse. as i discussed in my last blog post, this is an issue of great importance to me. my concept of verbal abuse has always been that the abuser yells, shouts, or uses name calling to intimidate the victim. this is, most certainly, a form of verbal abuse - it is absolutely not the only form though. the book details how difficult it can be to recognize verbal abuse because of its many insidious forms. it gives these four primary reasons as to why verbal abuse can be so very difficult to recognize:
1. Mostly, verbal abuse is secretive. Usually only the partner of the abuser hears it.
2. Verbal abuse becomes more intense over time. The partner becomes used to and adapted to it.
3. Verbal abuse takes many forms and disguises.
4. Verbal abuse consistently discounts the partner's perception of the abuse.
all of these things ring very true for me and my experiences of abuse. a lot of what i have read so far deals with explaining how often times, the abuser and the partner of the abuser are living in different realities. this is often why the abuser does not perceive himself as abusive - in his reality, his behaviour is appropriate and reasonable. meanwhile, in reality, his treatment is abusive. his reality prevents him from being able to accept, admit, or acknowledge this, and to then subsequently seek help. this is the reason given for why so few men readily admit to being verbally abusive and why so few independently seek treatment or help for it.
one of the most useful phrases i have found in the book so far is the term called "crazymaking", which is a word first used in another book by other authors about abuse. here is what is said about this word and this phenomena in the book:
Covert verbal abuse is subversive because of its indirect quality. It is a covert attack or coercion. This kind of abuse has been described as "crazymaking". It is "a form of interpersonal interaction that results from the repression of intense aggression and which seriously impairs its victim's capacity to recognize and deal with the interpersonal reality."
and:
All verbal abuse is dominating and controlling. Verbal abuse used to control the partner without the partner's knowledge is called "crazymaking".
Crazymaking is described as a large reason why so many womonfolk have such great difficulty in being able to recognize abuse, and why it is so hard for womonfolk to leave abusive relationships. The book goes on to list 17 symptoms of crazymaking as experienced by the victim of the abuse. a few of them are:
Feeling temporarily thrown off balance and momentarily unable to right oneself.
Feeling lost, not knowing where to turn, searching aimlessly.
Receiving double messages but somehow unable or fearful to ask for clarification, or asking for clarification but not getting it.
Feeling totally unprepared for a broken promise or unfulfilled expectation.
A strong wish to get away, yet feeling unable to move, as if frozen.
Feeling that one's subjective world has become chaotic.
these are all things i resonate with in my own crazymaking experience. what has been most notable to me is how all of these experiences have drastically decreased if not entirely evaporated now that my former partner is no longer in my life. the sensation of being off balance, of feeling lost, of perceiving my world as chaotic - these sensations have been gradually melting every day that passes. the longer i am away from the abuse, the more clear my mind becomes. it is truly astonishing in some ways... especially since, initially, i experienced such levels of self-doubt when it came to my own perceptions of the abuse. now i feel the space and time away has helped me quite literally detoxify from the toxic environment i was in. i am seeing everything more clearly and feeling more fully my self.
for so long i had been searching for the source of my instability. the last year of my life has been full of emotional turmoil, depression, and anxiety. i was desperately searching for the cause of this while conveniently avoiding looking at my partnership as a potential issue... i was not ready or willing to admit to the abuse. i was so deep in denial that i needed to find some other reason for my emotional state; any other reason. i explored the idea that i was still entrenched in deep grief, as a beloved friend had been murdered in 2009, and i subsequently started grief counselling; i explored the idea that i had been triggered into recalling my experiences of assault and rape and had not sufficiently healed from those experiences; i explored the idea that my medication dosages were too low or incorrect; i explored the idea that i was not getting enough counselling or mental health support; i explored the idea that i was not eating well or exercising enough... i exhausted my self searching for a reason, any reason, for why i was feeling so sincerely fucked-up. nothing i looked into offered up any clues or help. it was only when i finally hit that point where i simply broke - where a deep part of me so long ignored and buried and hidden came roaring to my surface - it was only then that everything began to shift. i demanded my abuser leave my house. i informed him that i would not have any form of communication with him for a minimum of six months. it is true that every day is full of emotional ups and downs, and that i have a great deal of healing yet to do - however the change in my own mental health and sense of self is immediate and startling. i am already watching my self transform into a happier and healthier person. freedom from abuse has caused me to experience my body differently, the way i breathe and move around my home. it is these improvements i focus on in the hard moments: these concrete physical improvements help me move through and process the emotional and mental trauma. slowly, i am becoming my whole self once again. slowly i am breaking free.
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