'Blame the victim' mentality

I have been thinking a great deal lately about the pervasive blame the victim mentality that exists within this culture (and many other cultures, too).  The above link describes this mentality:
                                                                                                                       Victim-blaming attitudes only work to marginalize the victim and make it harder for her to come forward and report the abuse. If she knows that you or society blames her for the abuse, she will not feel safe or comfortable coming forward and talking to you.

Victim-blaming attitudes also reinforce what her abuser has been saying all along; that it is her fault this is happening to her. It is NOT her fault or her responsibility to fix the situation; it is the abuser’s choice. By engaging in victim-blaming attitudes, society allows the abuser to perpetrate violence against his partner while avoiding accountability for his actions.

One of the reasons I have been thinking about this mentality lately is due to its pervasiveness even within so-called feminist or radical communities. This mentality can also be called the "it takes two to tango" mentality, since so many people see abuse as a relationship issue - something that requires full conscious participation and perpetuation by two parties. This mentality is extremely dangerous and further perpetuates the "she deserved it" or "she asked for it" mentality that is held by many when it comes to issues of sexual assault, coercion, or abuse. 

Within activist communities, exploitation and oppression are generally discussed as systemic issues within this civilization. I have heard many anarchists refer to the government and this civilization as abusive - both literally and metaphorically (and I agree with this analysis). In addressing issues of colonization, racism, and sexism as systemic to governmental structures, no anarchist or activist I know would dream of stating or insinuating that colonization, racism, or sexism were somehow caused by Indigenous peoples or people of colour or by womonfolk; no anarchist or activist I know would dream of implying "it takes two to tango" and that within the context of a relationship (as held by the people and the state), both parties were responsible for the abuse that was being perpetuated. It sounds absolutely ludicrous, doesn't it? One clearly has a dominant amount of power over the other. And yet these same activists do not seem to skip a beat in failing to apply this same analysis to interpersonal relationships in which abuse is being perpetuated - a situation in which the abuser has a dominant amount of power over the victim. Time and again, the survivor of the abuse is re-victimized by being told she was somehow a part of the cause of the abuse, and told that if only she had (pick one): behaved differently, acted differently, spoken differently, made different choices, had better boundaries, gotten help sooner, been more personable, been more transparent, stood her ground, been more flexible, been stronger, etc ad nauseum, the abuse would not have occurred. All of a sudden a behaviour that was perpetrated on her and against her without her permission is her fault.

Example of Victim-Blaming Attitude: “There are possibilities for a happy relationship if both parties are willing to change.”

Reality: This statement assumes that the victim is equally to blame for the abuse, when in reality, abuse is a conscious choice made by the abuser. Abusers have a choice in how they react to their partner’s actions. Options beside abuse include: walking away, talking in the moment, respectfully explaining why an action is frustrating, breaking up,  etc.

Additionally, abuse is not about individual actions that incite the abuser to hurt his partner, but rather about the abuser’s feelings of entitlement and desire to control his partner.

When friends and family remain neutral about the abuse and say that both people need to change, they are colluding with and supporting the abusive partner and making it less likely that the survivor will seek support.

[Disclaimer: I feel wary to describe explicit details of the conversation I discuss below, out of a desire to keep from exposing this womon's story without her explicit permission to do so. It's tricky, because I feel the need to speak of my own reactions to the words she shared with me and the affect they've had on me, while I simultaneously recognize her every right to privacy. For that reason, I will be sharing certain specific statements she made, but will change details of a story she shared with me. I will certainly not be using or giving out her name.]

Not long ago I had a conversation with a member of the community that I found distressing. I confronted her after recognizing that she had been ignoring me, as she had gone so far as to turn and walk away when I waved and said hello. In this conversation, she very kindly let me know that, since I had a mental illness, it might alter my perceptions of what I thought was abuse. She defended the behaviour of the man who abused me. Since she had spoken with him and believed what he had shared with her, she felt she had an understanding of what had gone on within the relationship. She told me I had not been transparent enough. I still am unclear as to what that statement means or implies. She shared a personal story with me about her experiences of both receiving and witnessing abuse. My blood ran cold when she described her belief that a womon she had known was using her bruises to gain sympathy. She described the womon as being equally as abusive as the man in the situation, and that when he beat her she would use her bruises to garner sympathy. The phrase "used her bruises" has been ringing in my head ever since.

After this conversation, I discussed what was said with a few close friends and expressed my distress over her perception of abuse. I felt totally bewildered and unable to understand why she believed that a womon brave enough to expose the bruises of her beatings, and to seek out help through this exposure, would be thought to be using the very real physical evidence of abuse. This conversation really brought home to me the fact that there is no 'right' way for an abused womon to behave. Whatever her response to the abuse is, it will be criticized. For example, if she speaks up and out about the abuse, she will be accused of gossiping or making "too big of a deal" out of a situation, or "trying to get sympathy". If she does not speak out at all, she will be accused of not actually having been abused, or told that "it couldn't have been that bad", or accused of being too weak or too passive. If she attempts to hold her abuser accountable, she will be called aggressive or angry or a man-hater. If she accepts her abusers treatment and defers to him publicly despite the abuse, she will be accused of encouraging it or not being assertive enough. On and on and on. The survivor is condemned simply for being abused, regardless of her chosen path of coping.

So why do people blame the victim of abuse? One reason I find compelling and believable is described at the above-mentioned link:

One reason people blame a victim is to distance themselves from an unpleasant occurrence and thereby confirm their own invulnerability to the risk. By labeling or accusing the victim, others can see her as different from themselves.  People reassure themselves by thinking, "Because I am not like her, because I do not do that, this would never happen to me."

I believe this is an issue that I have seen played out amidst womonfolk in particular. I have been a believer of it at one point too, though I am ashamed to admit it. All too often, if  a womon comes forward about a man that has abused her, many times I think as womonfolk in a patriarchal culture, we attempt to feel less vulnerable by entertaining beliefs such as: believing that we would never let that happen to us; believing that even if it is the same man that was abusive, it was to other womon, and he could never possibly do that to me; believing that since he is so nice and sensitive and kind, she must have been truly horrendous to him in order to cause him to treat her that way. In a sense, these beliefs can keep us feeling safe or insulated, and we can continue to believe that bad things only happen to bad people, and if we are good people bad things will not happen to us. I'm not trying to say we all consciously think this - I believe it is an extremely automatic and unconscious belief system that we would be hard-pressed to admit even to believing in.

Another good link, though brief, on this topic can be found on the Sanctuary for the Abused website. I'm going to finish this entry with a quote from the link:

WOMEN ARE NOT GUILTY FOR VIOLENCE & ABUSE COMMITTED BY MEN ON OUR BODY, IN OUR MIND, AND SPIRIT. THIS VIOLENCE HAPPENS BECAUSE OF MEN'S GREATER POWER AND THEIR MISUSE OF THAT POWER.