2012 Update

I felt an update was long-since due, and despite my lack of clarity on what specifically I want to say and share, I at least wanted to attempt it.

Though I haven't posted since November 2011, I still feel this blog is "active", at the least in my heart. I think of it often, because the healing experience of writing through my experiences, and the reception of support through friends and strangers alike, has been incredible for me.

Pondering how to update it, I re-read my very first entry posted over a year and a half ago. The words I wrote then are equally as true for me now, and I was proud to read the strength I espoused in that first timid entry. I've needed to revisit that strength plenty of times on my healing journey, through the many ups and downs.

I celebrated one year free of my abusive partner in January this year. It felt like a major milestone for me - and it is. On my good days, I see the incredible and healthy life changes I've made in the time since leaving him, and I'm ecstatic with the joy I've been able to reclaim. On my bad days, it doesn't feel like so much time has elapsed, and I feel just as vulnerable as I did when first finally breaking free of the abuse.

I have started seeing a trauma counsellor weekly, and that's been invaluable to me. I see her for free through my local Women's Sexual Assault Centre. Being able to describe what went on and release my emotions and memories, to be validated and reassured, has been so enlightening for me. I'm processing the shame and guilt that is too often an inherent part of being a victim of abuse, and I am doing so with professional support that reminds me I am a survivor and that my responses, emotions, and processes are rational and all a part of healing.

I'm also a student now, something I never had the energy or encouragement to do while with my abuser. In fact, I'm maintaining an A+ average and won an endowment in the spring. Some days this major life change feels surreal to me. It's something that's taken me a lot of work and I'm quite proud of it!

I intend to return to this blog eventually with more regular updates, particularly links to incredible stories or sites that I have found meaningful to my understanding of abuse. However, I have no idea how that is going to look in terms of regular updating or what shape this blog will take as I continue my healing. I needed to take a break for a while, to hold my experiences as private and sacred and most importantly my own. It's a balance that I'm wanting to learn - the sharing, which is empowering; and the privacy, which is also empowering. I'm learning to recognize that I don't owe anyone anything in terms of information on what the abuse was like; however, I'm learning that sharing is powerful and not only helps me heal, but it helps other survivors, too.

Thanks all for reading and being a part of this journey with me. It's never-ending and I'm glad I'm well on my way to wellness.