I've been thinking lately about what survivors of abuse need in order to heal... Survivors in general, and me in particular. I think it's an important thing to figure out - what sort of support we need, from others as well as from ourselves.
I've experienced a lot of healing through counselling, being able to talk each week about my emotions and my process. A lot of people who have either not experienced abuse or who have not yet healed from abuse may think counselling is a form of "dwelling" on the issue... I was reflecting on this as last week I received an anonymous message encouraging me to "move on" and "stop writing about my abuser and the abuse". It was interesting to reflect on this message, because I am sure some people would see this as sage and reasonable advice... While most counsellors and womonfolk involved in helping heal survivors of abuse would be quick to discourage such mentality. Repression of our experiences, denial of their impact on ourselves and our lives, pushes them deeper down into our unconcious. It is not healing to run away and never think of or reflect upon the abusive experience ever again. It's healing to break the silence, to speak of what happened - to speak the words we have never before spoken, to explore the myriad ways the abuse has impacted our lives, to talk and write and scream it out of ourselves. I've likened it to expelling a demon. So much of what my abuser said and did to me was trapped in my body, festering. I've needed to release all of his actions and words to release myself from their negative impact.
Shortly after officially leaving my abuser, I went to see my naturopathic doctor. I was a mess - sobbing, unable to sleep at night, barely able to leave my house, terrified of both my abuser and the impact of emotionally confronting what he put me through... I sat in a lump of tears in her office and let her know how hard things were. She smiled faintly and said that, though I probably didn't want to hear it, she was really happy to see me in such a state... She said it meant I was processing, fully confronting what I had been through and the emotions it evoked in me, and that I needed to do this in order to heal. She said she would have been most worried about me if I had bounced into the office, all smiles, and brushed off the topic of leaving my abuser - which would have been an act of denial and repression. I've thought many times of that conversation, and it has helped me on days when I feel emotionally messy... I remind myself that the mess is part of the journey, and that I'm processing and healing the most in my messiest moments.
I think there is a big difference between "moving on" and "moving through". When I examine the phrase "move on", I see it as being dismissive and based in denial... When I think of "moving through" I see a dark tunnel with a light at the end... Knowing that I have to go through miles and miles of dark, gritty, possibly terrifying lengths of tunnel in order to get to that bright glowing light can be hard knowledge some days. Mostly though, it helps me recognize that the full exploration of how the abuse impacted me is how I am going to heal through it, move through it, and find peace and forgiveness inside of myself (as opposed to guilt or self-blame). When I look at where I am today, and see the ways I have grown and the positive ways my life has changed, I attribute that largely to my dedication to move through - to the countless hours of counselling, of talking, of reading, of writing... It has been a cathartic process. It is ongoing, and it is a journey I can say that I embark upon joyfully, knowing that I am worth it.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
The importance of celebration!
I've been working on another entry which I still plan on posting. However, I realized that I needed to post something very important: On July 11th I was able to celebrate a full six months since officially leaving my abuser! I had not been deliberately keeping track of time passing, though something in me recognized the importance of July 11th. I had to take space for myself to smile, to glow, to feel strong and proud of myself for having made such a big decision... and most importantly, sticking to it.
The sad reality is that many womonfolk trapped in abusive relationships feel unable or incapable of leaving. If they do leave, they often return due to many differing factors, some of which are discussed in this article, Why Do Women Return to Abusive Relationships? Prior to officially leaving my abuser on the 11th of January by telling him I didn't want him in my life anymore, I'd tried multiple times to end our relationship. Every single time, I was persuaded by him out of making this decision. Some of the reasons I stayed are mentioned in the above article: my self-esteem was so damaged from the abuse, I was not confident I could maintain independence from my abuser; I was afraid that family and friends might take his side or disbelieve that he was abusive and therefore not offer me the support I most needed; I felt sorry for my abuser, as he often cried and lamented to me that I was his only real friend and source of support; my abuser would promise to change and work on his problems and treat me better in the future. The article also cites a statistic I have read in many other places, that it takes a womon on average leaving seven times before she is able to do so permanently.
This is why I celebrate. I did it, I finally left him and was able to break free. We need to celebrate these steps we take... Every step, small or large. If you are in an abusive relationship, be proud of yourself and celebrate the fact that you're reading literature about abuse online and beginning to address the problem within yourself. That is a huge first step. If you are out of an abusive relationship, applaud yourself everyday for having the strength and courage to leave. So much joy and celebration are sucked out of our lives due to abuse, and part of reclaiming our lives involves also reclaiming our joy and our right to celebration. I know that every time I felt joyful, excited, or celebratory about something, my abuser seemed to go out of his way to point out things that were wrong and why I ought not to feel as good as I did. It was so draining, and soon joy was muted in myself, knowing that celebrating it would simply lead my abuser to strike it down. I coped by simply not allowing myself to feel joy - that way, there was nothing he could take away from me... Which of course was not true.
I haven't found many, not nearly enough, articles online to help abused womon get back in touch and reclaim their joy. Celebrating each tiny victory is a way of doing this. If you know of any links, I'd love to see them. And I'll leave you with a question, to answer for yourself or to me if you'd like - How do you celebrate your successes? Do you take the time to be proud of yourself for the strong and courageous things you've done?
The sad reality is that many womonfolk trapped in abusive relationships feel unable or incapable of leaving. If they do leave, they often return due to many differing factors, some of which are discussed in this article, Why Do Women Return to Abusive Relationships? Prior to officially leaving my abuser on the 11th of January by telling him I didn't want him in my life anymore, I'd tried multiple times to end our relationship. Every single time, I was persuaded by him out of making this decision. Some of the reasons I stayed are mentioned in the above article: my self-esteem was so damaged from the abuse, I was not confident I could maintain independence from my abuser; I was afraid that family and friends might take his side or disbelieve that he was abusive and therefore not offer me the support I most needed; I felt sorry for my abuser, as he often cried and lamented to me that I was his only real friend and source of support; my abuser would promise to change and work on his problems and treat me better in the future. The article also cites a statistic I have read in many other places, that it takes a womon on average leaving seven times before she is able to do so permanently.
This is why I celebrate. I did it, I finally left him and was able to break free. We need to celebrate these steps we take... Every step, small or large. If you are in an abusive relationship, be proud of yourself and celebrate the fact that you're reading literature about abuse online and beginning to address the problem within yourself. That is a huge first step. If you are out of an abusive relationship, applaud yourself everyday for having the strength and courage to leave. So much joy and celebration are sucked out of our lives due to abuse, and part of reclaiming our lives involves also reclaiming our joy and our right to celebration. I know that every time I felt joyful, excited, or celebratory about something, my abuser seemed to go out of his way to point out things that were wrong and why I ought not to feel as good as I did. It was so draining, and soon joy was muted in myself, knowing that celebrating it would simply lead my abuser to strike it down. I coped by simply not allowing myself to feel joy - that way, there was nothing he could take away from me... Which of course was not true.
I haven't found many, not nearly enough, articles online to help abused womon get back in touch and reclaim their joy. Celebrating each tiny victory is a way of doing this. If you know of any links, I'd love to see them. And I'll leave you with a question, to answer for yourself or to me if you'd like - How do you celebrate your successes? Do you take the time to be proud of yourself for the strong and courageous things you've done?
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