Friday, August 12, 2011

Psychological Abuse

Today I wanted to share a link to a great article that discusses psychological abuse: Why Women and Society Miss the Cues of Psychological Abuse. I recommend taking the time to read the whole thing, but I'll add some excerpts of note here.


Instead of being able to name their partner’s behaviours as ‘power and control’ or ‘abuse’, lots of  women can only think of their partner’s actions as ‘puzzling’ in its early stages. Then ‘odd’, ‘weird’, and ‘bizarre’ as it escalates. As power and control is exerted, women become more and more confused, and self doubt causes women to blame themselves and desperately rummage through their own behaviours for clues how to please their partners and make the problem go away.
They may simply feel that what they are experiencing isn’t right, just or fair but will search for answers within themselves and their own psyches. What am I doing wrong that he is angry with me? What’s changed in our relationship that he belittles me? Why can’t I see my friends? Why can’t I use the car?
I still remember the lack of vocabulary I experienced when I needed to talk about what was happening with my abuser. When trying to open up and share with friends, all I could do was describe his behaviour as "weird" and explain how uncomfortable it made me feel, while floundering to find the right words. My previous experiences of abuse had led me to think of abuse as much more direct and physical. Many womonfolk in psychological, emotional, and/or verbally abusive situations experience this inability to clearly name the behaviour that is so damaging to them. This often leads us to question ourselves and our perceptions of our abuser, and assume that the problem is somehow our own.
Psychological abuse is either hidden or is considered less important than physical violence. This could be because of the imminent life-threatening nature of physical violence and the visible bruises and broken bones that some women experience. The media sensationalises physical violence and it’s extremely rare to read of a critical analysis of the perpetrator’s use of non-physical control tactics.
I think a lot of people unfortunately choose not to believe womonfolk who come forward and call out their abusers when their is no "evidence" - ie, bruises or broken bones. This further perpetuates the cycle, as a womon may choose not to call out her abuser out of a fear that she will not be believed, supported, or validated. I know this is part of why I stayed in my partnership for as long as I did... I was afraid that people would not believe me that he was abusive, and that being disbelieved would be more harmful to my psyche than the abuse I was sustaining.
The lack of awareness about psychological abuse causes women to assume they are experiencing “normal” relationship problems. This makes women extremely vulnerable to developing mental or physical illnesses and to experiencing more and more abuse. This is because women often have no knowledge of how the pattern of power and control forms over time.
I think one of the best and most important things we can do, all of us, is learn about these patterns of power and control,  and educate others about them. In this context, knowledge gives us strength, and the ability to name - to stand back and say "That is abusive behaviour, and I will not accept it." Isolation can occur within our own minds when we do not have the words needed to talk about what we are experiencing. Breaking the silence involves learning to name and call-out abuse. If we were all able to do this, think of the countless ways in which we would be able to combat and stop the further perpetuation of (physical and psychological) violence. It would be revolutionary.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Moving Through

I've been thinking lately about what survivors of abuse need in order to heal... Survivors in general, and me in particular. I think it's an important thing to figure out - what sort of support we need, from others as well as from ourselves.

I've experienced a lot of healing through counselling, being able to talk each week about my emotions and my process. A lot of people who have either not experienced abuse or who have not yet healed from abuse may think counselling is a form of "dwelling" on the issue... I was reflecting on this as last week I received an anonymous message encouraging me to "move on" and "stop writing about my abuser and the abuse". It was interesting to reflect on this message, because I am sure some people would see this as sage and reasonable advice... While most counsellors and womonfolk involved in helping heal survivors of abuse would be quick to discourage such mentality. Repression of our experiences, denial of their impact on ourselves and our lives, pushes them deeper down into our unconcious. It is not healing to run away and never think of or reflect upon the abusive experience ever again. It's healing to break the silence, to speak of what happened - to speak the words we have never before spoken, to explore the myriad ways the abuse has impacted our lives, to talk and write and scream it out of ourselves. I've likened it to expelling a demon. So much of what my abuser said and did to me was trapped in my body, festering. I've needed to release all of his actions and words to release myself from their negative impact.

Shortly after officially leaving my abuser, I went to see my naturopathic doctor. I was a mess - sobbing, unable to sleep at night, barely able to leave my house, terrified of both my abuser and the impact of emotionally confronting what he put me through... I sat in a lump of tears in her office and let her know how hard things were. She smiled faintly and said that, though I probably didn't want to hear it, she was really happy to see me in such a state... She said it meant I was processing, fully confronting what I had been through and the emotions it evoked in me, and that I needed to do this in order to heal. She said she would have been most worried about me if I had bounced into the office, all smiles, and brushed off the topic of leaving my abuser - which would have been an act of denial and repression. I've thought many times of that conversation, and it has helped me on days when I feel emotionally messy... I remind myself that the mess is part of the journey, and that I'm processing and healing the most in my messiest moments.

I think there is a big difference between "moving on" and "moving through". When I examine the phrase "move on", I see it as being dismissive and based in denial... When I think of "moving through" I see a dark tunnel with a light at the end... Knowing that I have to go through miles and miles of dark, gritty, possibly terrifying lengths of tunnel in order to get to that bright glowing light can be hard knowledge some days. Mostly though, it helps me recognize that the full exploration of how the abuse impacted me is how I am going to heal through it, move through it, and find peace and forgiveness inside of myself (as opposed to guilt or self-blame). When I look at where I am today, and see the ways I have grown and the positive ways my life has changed, I attribute that largely to my dedication to move through - to the countless hours of counselling, of talking, of reading, of writing... It has been a cathartic process. It is ongoing, and it is a journey I can say that I embark upon joyfully, knowing that I am worth it.